INT. BAR -- NEW YORK CITY

Scene opens with Benson and Stabler entering a bar. The bartender's drying some mugs. They are all talking, but the bartender's being difficult.

BENSON
Don't give me that bartender-patron confidentiality bullsh**. Let me make this simple for you: If [Redacted] met a girl he's planning on taking out a few times, fine, we walk. But if this was another one-night stand, we gotta know about it.

BARTENDER
Why?

STABLER
What part of One-Night Stand Unit are you unclear about?

BARTENDER
What's the name again?

BENSON
[Redacted]. He's about yea tall.
(holds up hand)
Hoodie, blue eyes, big hair. Drinker. Now, we know he left here
with a lady. Tell us about her.


The bartender acts put off by all the questions, like being questioned by two detectives from the One-Night Stand Unit was the most normal thing in the world.

BARTENDER
Yeah, I guess he was in.

BENSON
Look whose memory just improved. Stop with the guesses
and get to the facts, Beer Gut.

STABLER
(to Benson)
Easy, Olivia.
(to Bartender)
I want to see a receipt, now.

The bartender finishes drying a mug and takes out some credit card receipts. He finds [Redacted]'s.

BARTENDER
There's a bunch of mango vodka tonics and bourbons on here.

Stabler shakes his head. Benson punches the bar, scaring both men.

BENSON
The bastard! This has one-night stand written all over it.

Stabler leaves. Benson gives the bartender a lasting glance, just to let him know she might be back.

INT. [REDACTED]'S APARTMENT -- DAY

Benson and Stabler nose around. [Redacted]'s apartment has books and magazines and beer bottles all over the place. Stabler picks up a Ray Bradbury story collection.

STABLER
Think he reads all this crap, or just does it to get laid?

BENSON
On what planet does a Ray Bradbury story collection get you
laid? Up, here we go.

Benson picks up a scrunchie off the ground.

STABLER
Well well well, looks like we have a Leave-Behind. Why do
women do this when it's obviously on purpose? "Oh, sorry,
I seem to have left behind my scrunchie." I mean, give me
a break.

Benson gives Stabler a look like he's the plainest ass in all the land.

BENSON
Eliot. This thing costs 99 cents.
(holds up scrunchie)
She ain't coming back for this. She just forgot it. Besides,
it's [Redacted] who wants her back. Look in the kitchen.

They walk into the kitchen, where it's clear [Redacted] had made breakfast for two -- only someone didn't like their eggs.

STABLER
Guy can't fry an egg very well. Look at that pan.

The pan is covered with blackened eggs. Benson is inspecting the lip marks on the rim of a wine glass.

BENSON
Seems [Redacted] opened his wine for the lady.

STABLER
Hmm ... [Redacted] only breaks out his wine when he really
likes the girl, right?

BENSON
Hmm ...

Stabler and Benson walk into the bedroom. The sheets are all over the place, a pillow's on the floor, and there's a condom wrapper on the bedside table.

STABLER
(into walkie-talkie)
Forensics, we've got a rubber.

BENSON
Goddamn him! He's using those gross condoms they hand
out for free in the subway. Cheap bastard!

Benson puts on some plastic gloves and picks up the condom wrapper. It's not just a wrapper -- the condom is still in it, unused.

BENSON
Eliot ... what the?

She holds up the unused condom. Stabler makes a face, like, "Get that away from me."

STABLER
Performance anxiety?

BENSON
Nah. I think our girl got wise, left.

STABLER
You're forgetting the eggs.

Benson notices [Redacted]'s laptop on the coffee table. She presses a button on it and it alights, opened to his Gmail.

BENSON
Well well well, what do we have here?

Stabler takes a seat at the table and brings up [Redacted]'s sent emails.

STABLER
You don't think the poor bastard ...

BENSON
He's done it before.

Stabler's eyes get huge.

STABLER
Sweet Jesus.

Benson squints, Stabler clicks on an outgoing email, from 4 in the morning the night before, to a "Melissa." The subject line is "where did you go?"

BENSON
(reading email)
Um, Melissa? I went in the bathroom to get a condom and
when I came out you were gone? I thought maybe you were
just having a smoke outside, but then I went downstairs and
you weren't there! I hope you're okay? Was it something I
said? Call me!

STABLER
My God.

BENSON
He's out of control. I'm going to book the hell out of him. One-
night stand, late-night email to someone clearly not
interested, cheap condoms, Bradbury story collections. This
has to stop, Eliot.

STABLER
(into cell phone)
Fin? Yup, it's a go. Take him out.

[Redacted] Guy is the resident Single Guy writer for Lemondrop. He refers to his penis as "The Special Victims Unit." He likes sci-fi and lives in New York.

You can send him hate mail and love letters
here, and follow him on Twitter.