Is there anything you can do to keep your kids from having sex? Or at least, having sex with the wrong people?After one dad wrote in to the Daily Mail's advice columnist asking how to keep his 16-year-old from having sex before she was ready, we kicked around the question of whether our parents influenced our formative sexual experiences -- when we had them, and with whom.
The next logical step? Poll a bunch of Former Teenage Girls (aka older, wiser women) about their experiences: Was there anything we wish our parents had (or hadn't) said about sex? Was there anything they could have said that would have meant we didn't have it?
We don't know if there's anything you can do to keep teenagers from being teenagers, but our Grown Women Panel definitely had some interesting takes on the topic. (Names have been changed to protect the no-longer innocent.)
Janie, 31: "I wish my parents had said to 16-year-old me, 'The feelings you have now are impermanent. Just remember that that guy in that super-cool band is going to seem really ridiculous and lame in five or 10 years.' Just have some perspective."
Annie, 26: "I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian environment and made to feel really guilty about sex and sexuality. So when I was raped when I was 13 by a friend's boyfriend, I felt like I'd done something wrong and didn't tell my parents. The unresolved feelings and trauma of that incident made my resulting adolescent and young-adult sex life (until therapy) a big effed-up mess, to put it mildly. I wish my parents had created open channels of communication about sex so that I could have gotten the help I needed before banging a bunch of dudes who didn't like me very much."
Jill, 26: "My dad and I straight-up did not talk about sex. I think it's harder for fathers. I think the best you can do is instill girls with enough self-confidence so that they can say no when they mean it. So much of negative experiences that young women have are because they're scared or ashamed. We need to teach them to be strong and smart about everything, and the sex part will naturally follow."
Elena, 28: "I think that more than anything, my parents instilled in me a true horror of getting pregnant. They were always really vocal about all the cool things you could do before you had kids and couldn't do after them -- college in cool cities, travel, etc. -- versus how much my life would suck if I had to live at home and go to school nearby and work. It was always less about the actual sex than the possible consequences."

Eleanor, 27: "I don't think it's an age thing. I didn't have sex until my 20s, but still ended up doing things I regret. I think if I were to advise teenagers, it's that when you're older, you may think back on a lot of the people you've slept with and end up smacking yourself in the forehead in crowded places because of the shame, and then a lot of people stare at you and you feel like an idiot. This conversation would be illustrated with pictures printed off the Internet of herpes and genital warts outbreaks."
Frederika, 26: "My mom and I were pretty open about sex, but only as a far-off event that might require birth control and a tearful but moving chat. (Like, 'When you fall in love with a guy, we'll have a talk.') But I wish she and I had a more general talk. My loss of virginity itself was totally normal and healthy, but I got pressured into blowing a prized asshole of a dude when I was way too young to even know what a 'blowjob' was. My mom never said, 'Hey, when you start getting to the age where some 15-year-old sack of shit will whine about blueballs, let's have that talk.'"
Colleen, 32: "My mom found out I was having sex after she picked up my homecoming pictures at the drug store, unbeknownst to me, and realized the hotel room in the photos definitely wasn't the house party I'd said we were at. Oops. I was 15 and she was Catholic, so that goes a little ways in explaining her reaction. But I do wish it hadn't been: "You little slut. You're going to ruin your life." I didn't. I used two forms of birth control and wound up dating the guy for five years. So maybe her reverse logic worked? Either that, or her God intervened."
Melissa, 33: "I think this would be a serious deterrent: Listen, sweetie, there's no way to tell if a guy is carrying HPV -- and there's no way to protect yourself from it. Catching it means a lifetime of colposcopies, where they peer deep into your uterus, every six months."












Comments:
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Wednesday 07 April
By Ro
Um, HPV isn't going to buy you a q-6 month colonoscopy (camera up your colon). Frequent Pap smears? Yes. A possible COLPOSCOPY (looking at your cervix with or without a biopsy), yes.
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Tuesday 13 April
By brie
um, you didnt read before you posted, did you?
Wednesday 09 June
By rach
that's what it says
Wednesday 07 April
By CorrinneL
Ro, I was going to say the SAME thing. Unless maybe you have HPV warts in your anus from anal sex?
I unfortunately had HPV a few years ago (like it says, there is no way for a guy to know). Luckily, no warts but I did have to have frequent pap smears and a couple COLPOSCOPYs. Please fix it! lol And yeah, Colposcopys SUCK.
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Wednesday 07 April
By Corrinne
Yes... I believe is it Colposcopy, not a colonoscopy =). I unfortunately had to go through it and never had anyone up my rear. But plenty of painful colposcopys.
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Sunday 11 April
By mcleangirl923
Just saying... it says colposcopy...
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Monday 12 April
By Theda
Yeah, it does say colposcopy. I don't know what you guys are correcting.
To quote, "Catching it means a lifetime of colposcopies".
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Monday 12 April
By Ro
They changed it from "colonoscopy" to "colposcopy" after the comments pointed it out.
AND, while we're here, a COLPOSCOPY doesn't peer "deep into your uterus", it looks at your cervix, the OPENING to your uterus.
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Tuesday 13 April
By Jennifer
I have to say I am 100% agreeing with Eleanor, 27: Her parents sounded just like mine and I am 24 and I can still hear my mom saying what I would miss out on and how my life would be and wouldn't be.
I honestly have to admit that if it were not for my mom and her telling me everything I would miss out on... (the trips... spring breaks... the drinking, the dating and everything and anything in-between) I would be clueless.
I think it is important for parents to not only inform their kids about sex: what comes with it and all of that stuff,but I think it is EQUALLY important for our parents to inform us as to how your life will/ can change if you do not take sex serious. I applaud my mom for looking outside the box, for ways to inform me about sex and relationships as I was getting older! A different approach and a different outcome :)
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Thursday 03 June
By lisa
my parents didn't teach me about sex.. i learned it all on my own. i was having sex at the age of 12 and have enjoyed it ever since. now i'm 48 years old...
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Saturday 12 June
By kapulu
I agree with open communication with children is the best thing a parent can give. Hopefully the child knows about masturbation to relieve sexual tension. However, best thing is to let a child learn from their own actions and consequences. How will anyone be the person they are today without negative experiences in life?
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Tuesday 15 June
By missed out
I wish i didn't have listen to anything my parents told me. i wish i have had all the sex i wanted. i am living to regret it.
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Saturday 03 July
By kansol
In my country PNG, it is against our culture to speak to children about Sex, especially under the age of 16 but I totally agree with everything you all are saying. The main important thing is 'You' You have to have respect for your own body. Remember that if you keep your body healty then you will live longer.
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Monday 02 August
By Brandi
My mother tried to reason with me. I was 13 and knew it all. So no, teenagers don't cooperate no matter what. Hormones! Now years later that guy has my best friend pregnant and won't even get a job much less marry her. Turns out I didn't know anything just like teenagers now. I'm happily married, a mother and going through college.
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Friday 13 August
By I am beautiful, and honorable
Im 17 years of age now. I feel that parents need to start telling their children their beautiful, smart, and too prized for just anyone to get have them. They need to instill a sense of honor, and dignity in children. I wish I had a father in my life but you cant change that.. Wish my mom said I was beautiful more often, because hearing it from those guys especially the one twice my age, definitely made me feel like I was. My mom always said, "I always told men who talked to me, I am already in a relationship because what do they have for me, their not going to add anything to my life if I give them sex?" Or "What comes easy goes easy, meaning if you make your self easy, then he wont be sticking around", "Men are the best actors, they will entice you with their lovely stories, and I love yous, then once they have you, they are probably rumoring about how they had you, it relates in marriage also, if you give too much love to them, they will end up thinking you need them too much, and they can leave you easily, but if you show them they cant get you, then they want you, you want what you cant have, besides through all their love stories when there is a divorce, then you guys are like strangers". That's why my 24 year old sister is still a virgin, and my little sister of 16 also (gotta be careful, don worry I am with her). Somewhere along the lines my brother of 19 and I, missed what she said. I feel as though its because Im more emotional and have very low self esteem yet hide it. She didn't tell me I'm beautiful, first I heard it constantly it was from a 33 year old man, who got me to move in with him my mom got me back and so on. Point being, my mother had a sense of pride in herself and what she had and she didn't give it to any random dude who was handsome and she didn't shy from telling us. Although she had all the right direct approaches, she didn't have the right approach with me, because its based on INDIVIDUAL RESPONSE. I wish I had listened to her then than now. I was thinking oh she must be lying, she is so extreme in her words towards guys and how could the 33 year old, who treated me so grown up, and beautiful be that way, but she has some truth to it . Parents try different things, don't be too extreme in it btw, as words carry more meaning when said neither too little, nor too much. Be direct about what you are saying. Make your kids carry what they have, virginity, if not that, their vagina, (
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Friday 13 August
By I am beautiful, and honorable
Sorry it got cut off
their vagina, (
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Tuesday 24 August
By Tasha
What we wish we could say to our parents
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Friday 17 September
By lea
sex is such a beautiful thing but in our household it was a secret thing. i really wish my parents had been open to me about sex instead of making me feel like a W**** for being interested in guys. it only made me more curious. i am so glad i gave myself to the man i did. sex has brought me so much joy. i wish i had understood it better tho. i might not have been so quick to give it away if i had really understood the sacredness of it. i needed openness and truth, not secrecy and fear.
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