Lemondrop

Usually we're the first to genuflect before the handmade emporium that is Etsy, sequins and bric-a-brac having the same effect on us as tequila. In fact, watch our new Crafts category closely because, in coming weeks, we'll be back with fun, step-by-step offerings that make you want to call three scrappy friends and uncork at least one bottle of Syrah before noon on a Saturday.

Just consider this a reminder that imaginations can go into overdrive: When a co-worker sent us a link to these "adorable" bears at left -- more on them below -- we were reminded that there is also a Craft Hell, where select iffy Etsy offerings should be sent to burn. Luckily, none of what we turned up was made of hair. Or roadkill. Just the sh** that gets stuck in your belly button! Seriously, we know times are tough, but have these folks never heard of Michael's?

Belly Button–Lint Bears
Giving new meaning to navel gazing and, apparently, excavating, "these charming, tiny bears are made of lint and even have eyes and a nose!" raves seller bettyraecase. They come in a 2.5-inch glass jar with a cork and label, as well as a black satin satchel in case you want to ... take your lint bear with you? "Never fails to start a conversation!" she says. Especially if you reveal its origins -- a great way to end a bad date.

Hand-Knit Blue Balls
"Give a boyfriend or husband the only pair of blue balls they will ever want!" says aptly named seller holeymoley. We're pretty sure men crave these about as much as Soap on a Rope, but if you do know a frustrated dude who'd be charmed to receive a fuzzy reminder of that fact, these little orbs are nicely hung. "Hang them on a rearview mirror and watch them dangle and sway," urges the seller. Or don't.
Handsculpted Gas Mask Pendant
Does it work via voodoo, evil-eye style? Protect your nostril of choice in the event of a dirty bomb? Says seller Severedstars12, it's intricately detailed, and "varnished for added strength and protection." From what, we're not sure, but it's just what we want in a miniature polymer clay gas mask pendant. Sold on a 24-inch gunmetal ball chain.
The Lovely "Teeny Bones"
"These are little bones from some small animal," specifies seller duneempress. "They are about 1/2 inch and can be used for anything you can think of from earrings to necklaces to place in those little jars." Now we know where Jeffrey Dahmer got his inspiration.


Plaster Children Crosses
We're not sure what's best about this: the creepy doll faces, the glued-on beer toy "guns," or the fact that it's all artfully affixed to a 6-lb. plaster cross? Or maybe it's, as seller Hellray77 sees it, "eye candy." And Jesus wept.