sips and giggles
Condomania
, the store that made you embarrassed to go to the mall with your grandma, has (FINALLY) released its archival information of geographical penis-size rankings. Now we know how Sean Connery felt when he finally got to see the Grail in "Last Crusade"!

The data comes from years of research using the shop's patented "FitKit" measuring system, which helps customers find the proper hat size (of the jimmy variety). Condomania says its rankings -- by state and major city -- are based on the wangs of 27,000 red-blooded American wieners.

The results? Well, not only can New Hampshire lay claim to the most aggro state motto ever ("Live Free or Die" -- tell us how you really feel, New Hampsh!), they're also packing the most heat. The state with the dinkiest wangs? Wyoming. Sorry guys. At least you still have ... natural hot springs? And, um, Annie Proulx?

For the complete list (and our thoughts on each city's endowments), read on.

The Biggest and Smallest Major U.S. Cities by Penis Size

The Top Fiveflickr, tannersjackson
5. Phoenix
Great band, troubled acting dynasty, wiener capital of the Southwest.

4. New York City

Alec Baldwin does, in fact, live here. And we guess the Meatpacking District lives up to its name.

3. San Diego
San Diego! Come for the whale watching, stay for the Moby-size DILFs?

2. Washington, D.C.
If we were uncles instead of ladies, we'd gin up some kind of email forward involving "huge pricks" and "Congress." But again: ladies.

1. New Orleans
The Big Easy has had it rough, but it also has the highest proportion of citizens packing 10"-plus. Superdome, indeed! Women of New Orleans, we salute you.

The Bottom Five
5. Denver
Maybe there are special altitude directions. You know. Like on the back of cake mix.

4. Los Angeles
Home of the Dodger Dog. And cruel irony. [Sad emoticon]

3. Detroit
Apparently the recession let the air out of more than the Motor City's tires. This makes us want to drive around blasting "Wouldn't It Be Nice."

2. Philadelphia
Ha, and you thought they were mad because they were drunk all the time.

1. Dallas/Fort Worth
We feel bad for you if you live in Dallas/Fort Worth. Oh, and also, your penises are small.