Don't believe what you read in magazines and Web sites for women. Well, except for this one. When it's me.
Publications for women love to make you feel sh**ty about yourself, particularly when it comes to aging -- as if it were a choice, and women who choose to let nature take its course are sad, harelipped bog creatures who are too busy listening to the wind whistle through their empty wombs to properly moisturize.
Actresses who were once young and vibrant and adorable undergo grotesque surgeries to defy the natural process of senescence and end up with strange facsimiles of their former faces. (Meg Ryan's mouth and Lara Flynn Boyle's mouth should go bowling at an alley that allows weird-looking mouths to bowl at discount prices.)
Well, I'm sort of sick of it. Yes, 20-something women can be vital and gorgeous, many of them with bodies at the nubile peak that our culture covets so much. It's not just the gorgeous groundstrokes that keep men watching women's tennis. And don't get me started on the grunting volley. But older women? They rule. For a ton of reasons. And they're sexy as all get out.
Let's call "older" women ladies who are 35 or older, even though 35 isn't really old at all. Here's what I love about older women.They Know What They're Doing
Practice makes perfect, and older women know what the hell they're doing in the bedroom and it's awesome
When I was 22 and had just moved to California, I met a 42-year old woman at this jazz bar with her friends. She looked like Susan Dey from "L.A. Law." (If you're old enough to get that reference, pat yourself on your sexy back -- I'm extolling your virtues right now.) I had a joint, and they all followed me into the parking lot to smoke it with me. Her friends left, she stayed. She took me home.
There were pictures of her children on her fridge. They were my age.
That night, she turned me inside out. She drove me home the next day, and I felt as if I were being dropped off at camp. Sex camp.
I had a lot to learn.
They 're Comfortable With Their Bodies
Sometimes younger women don't want you to go down on them. They're nervous about it, a bit insecure that they might smell or something. I enjoy the act of cunnilingus, and I try to explain that, but hey, if she doesn't want me down there, I certainly won't press the issue. An older woman, however, is happy as a clam to have you lick her clam. Older women are comfortable in their skin and cool with your lathing said skin with your tongue. And after sex, they're comfortable with a chat, with a laugh, with knowing that what just happened was natural and right.
They're Comfortable With Themselves
You don't need to bullsh** an older woman. Unlike most younger women, they don't run on the fuel of outsider validation. They're secure in their lives. If you find them sexy or beautiful, sure, they'll like to hear it -- they're human, after all. But they don't need your praise. This makes them even more attractive.
Younger, nubile women have asses you could bounce quarters off (and will probably let you), but there's something about the way older women carry themselves that's just so f**king sexy. They laugh easily, they exist inside their bodies comfortably, they're wise and kind and understand the folly of superficiality.
God, I love a strong woman. A woman who will say to me, "Hey, jackass, shut up for a second and let a grownup talk." Older women know things. They've seen things and done things. They're not quick to speak, they think first, they weigh things out, they cherish actual knowledge over knee-jerk reaction and the Whoever Can Talk The Loudest ass-speech that passes for conversation.
Pretty things grow old and ugly, but real beauty is an inner radiance, a mixture of kindness, confidence, and laughing eyes. These are traits that older women earn by virtue of their years on this planet, of experiencing and overcoming heartache and grief. Younger women simply don't have this -- by no fault of their own, of course.
Older women have had time to develop their senses of humor. They're hard to shock, they don't get offended easily and like to laugh at themselves. They're laid-back and wise from experience, and sometimes they can make kick-ass margaritas (no mix, just good tequila and a bit of lime juice) and look like they just handed Jimmy Smits his hat in a law meeting ("L.A. Law" ref again). They understand what's important in life and what can be laughed about. They're strong, sassy, and have bigger balls than most dudes I know.
Oh, and their blowjobs are, by and large, unbelievable.
[Redacted] Guy is the resident Single Guy writer for Lemondrop. He often writes emails to the producers of the "Mummy" films, like, "Hey, how come the Mummy has to be a dude? I mean, couldn't the Mummy be a lady? With lady mummy boobs? I bet she'd have a husky laugh, do her own taxes and would probably split checks without making the dude mummy feel guilty." He lives in New York.
You can send him hate mail and love letters here, and follow him on Twitter.