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Guy Voice: Michael Swaim
Well, that was a thorough and rousing exchange of ideas. The funny thing to me is that I think we agree on the basic dynamics at play here, yet the only feasible solution seems to be for men to stop approaching women or for women to nut up and hurt our feelings a little more. At the end of the day, rejection hurts. You may as well get the message across sooner rather than later.
I think we'd all be better off in the long run if women felt comfortable enough to just straight-up say, "Listen to me: I'm not interested. Thank you. Good night." But guys should do their part, too; we should recognize that that faraway look in your eyes might not be you imagining the two of us on a beach somewhere, but instead checking the room for escape routes.
I'd advise guys to go the "better safe than sorry" route and assume that if a girl seems uninterested, she means it. Move on. And ladies, if that means you end up alone for the evening because you played too hard to get, well, we can sort that out next time around. Guys have never had a problem taking "yes" for an answer.
Girl Voice: Emily Gordon
This cuts to the heart of several of the biggest stereotypes out there about men and women, so I think everyone's to blame. Michael immediately zeroed in on the man side of it, saying that men are taught to never give up because there's a chance we're playing hard to get. And that's slightly true. But what's also slightly true is that men are terrible at reading non-verbal communication. So whereas you think your crossed arms and avoidance of eye contact is speaking volumes, he is still thinking about when you'll have sex. Other proof of this: You can have a fight with a girlfriend in front of a man, and he will have no idea that anything went down.
What concerns me most is the long-standing tradition of women putting up with behavior we're not comfortable with out of an expectation to be "nice." If he's making moves you're not into, hinting ain't gonna cut it. You need to strike firmly and kindly, and you need to leave no doors open.
That said, what you've done so far isn't keeping him from hitting on you, so rethink the signals you're sending: Are you still sitting near him? Think about it -- being pursued feels good -- and it's our dirty little secret that sometimes, even though we're telling him no, we enjoy the attention. If you're really not into him, you need to tell him straight up to cut it, then follow through if he doesn't stop.
Now tell us yours: Have you ever had a stranger -- or a friend -- who refused to take no for an answer? Leave your comments below, and if you have a question you want both genders to take a shot at answering, then go over to Guyspeak and ask -- it might end up back here!
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Wednesday 24 March
By linemanron
Oh my god she couldn't been any more obvious if she was standing naked in the hallway eating a ten-inch kielbasa!
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Wednesday 24 March
By Ed
Everyone has just confused me. I thought the whole point was to get to know someone. How many times have I heard quotes from women about how the guys don't really see the real me and my mind? I'm sure we have all met someone, and the physical attraction is huge. It may or may not be mutual. If the attraction is mutual, either gender may wonder the next day, or soon, what they are doing with that numbskull. I see nothing wrong with starting as friends and finding out what you might have in common. You might find out that the friend is even more compatible in bed, and the immediate physical attraction turns out terrible in bed. I also think it is time to get rid of the sterotypes. I have known as many, if not more, women that are thinking about hopping into bed than men.
Finally, when one of you makes it clear that it is friendship only, there is a difference in giving a flower or doing something nice and taking every opportunity to grope the other.
I have known guys that I couldn't stand that became best friends. It works across gender lines also.
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Wednesday 24 March
By Dave D.
I like having women "friends" they introduce me to their "friends" and now I know a lot of gals. And really...You could get sick or catch something from these "Easy" women you can't get rid of. I take my time and count my blessings I don't have a lot of wierd horror stories.
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Saturday 27 March
By Andrew
I'm in this situation, my friend "Kim" recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 years. Although he stole from her, wrecked her vehicles, leached off of her for 6 years, she still thinks she loves him. In the time we've spent together, we've only argued once, have had a lot of fun even taken a trip together. We watch movies, go to the bar, do a lot of fun things and I always pay, always make sure I get the door, drive my truck, so she doesn't have to feel like she's got to carry me around. So here I am, this guy whose been trying to do everything right, and yet, I get told I'm not her type?? Ladies, WHO ARE YOUR TYPES? The losers that treat you like crap? The tools who take and never give? I don't understand it, and after reading a lot of these comments I'm wondering if I should cut down on how much I try to talk to her. Maybe stop offering to do things together?
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Saturday 28 August
By Susan
Andrew, I sympathize with your situation, but just as you wonder why a girl like that would be interested in a loser, why are you interested in a girl attracted to losers? Distance yourself, and focus your energy on someone who will appreciate your kindness and reciprocate.
Wednesday 24 March
By figured it out !
first off ...what guy wants women as "just" friends ,,,,,NONE . if you have a woman who is a friend , you want to have sex with them ......truth . but women say a guy cant take a hint ..... here is the hint . if you have money , she is interested no ifs ands, or buts about it . .....so if she doesnt want to carry it further than where its at ....walk away . she is not worth a 2 lb rat .
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Wednesday 24 March
By thelawman3026
why chase a girl? theres a million of them dont even waste your time on a maybe, not worth the effort,
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Wednesday 24 March
By michellewell
In these days and times, there isn't any GREAT answers. I watch true t.v., CSI and other such programming. Sometimes a weirdo psycho killer..stated..She was real rude and brushed me off from the beginning never giving me the chance, so i off ed her. Or another psycho, explaining that she lead me on for months, then told me she was not interested (she probably was just being nice, until she noticed he was becoming attached to her) WHAT is the most appropriate way to handle men..?? Go with your gut feeling..or what some call womans intuition, being led by the Holy Spirit. Point is, there is not a single way to handle ALL men.
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Wednesday 24 March
By kitana7383
Me, and all the ladies I know, when we say "I just want to be friends" is the same as "I will never have sex with you" because, we really would only be friends. I know there are unhealthy people out there, men AND women, but I always am upfront with that. There are a couple guys who still want to be friends even though I don't want to date them. One acts normal so we have a friendship, but the other is a bit obsessive, so I don't speak to him anymore. Each case is different.
spiffguy455, Unfortunately, you ended up with a psycho woman. That is very unhealthy behavior.
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Thursday 25 March
By Tringe
It's a conquering issue. Men are conquerers (or want to be) and do not like the sense of defeat. It's something leftover in our genes from our barbaric ancestry.
Throughout most of history men have almost completely dominatied women. In the olden days relationships were more often than not "arranged" without the female having too much if any at all say in the matter.
The phenomenom of the independant woman though many don't really think about it in our time, is actually a relatively new recent thing when compared with the time frame of mans existance.
It was very common 200 - 500 years ago (not that long past if you think about it) especially in war times would snatch up a woman and make her belong to him. I'm not talking about a one time thing, or rape, but she would be forced to be his whether she liked it or not.
Since society in general was much different, the woman submitted to his domination over her.
As much as females and some males like the idea of the "independant woman", there's still alot of things that have to change before we embrace it en masse.
My great grandmother's marriage was an arranged one. This occured right here in the good US of A not all that long ago if you think about it.
So don't take it too oddly if the men you want to dump don't take the hint all that easily. If at any time you have given them the idea that you are "theirs" they may not be able to let go as easily as you'd like them to. Not simply because they are jerks, but mere men.
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Sunday 28 March
By NYC
And what have you conquered lately? This message board?
Anyway, if you study anthropology and history a little more closely your men-as-conqueror theory weakens. Even where it holds, men conquered other men just as much as they conquered women (indentured servants, slave, and you male sex servants--look up 'tulak'). So don't bolster your lil' peacock feathers too much with drivel about male dominance.
Sunday 28 March
By Maebh
I was one of those girls who went out with a fellow just because he wouldn't stop bothering me.... Ladies, it isn't a good idea. Twice I went out with this fellow, twice I was sorely disappointed. He was childish, mean-spirited, and an absolute waste of valuable time and oxygen. The last date I went on with that fellow we'll call 'Sean' he told me what I could and could not order off of the menu, spoke to his ex for a solid twenty minutes while I waited in the car, and continually referred to me as 'Fiona'.(As I am Irish and he was a huge 'Burn Notice' fan) The first wasn't as bad as the last, but both were pretty horrible. I guess he thought that he'd won as he'd gotten a second date. Moral of the story, ladies, it is never too late to say 'You repulse me!' Ladies, there are fellows out there that are decent, don't settle for the 'Seans' of the world.
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Friday 03 September
By Nicolette
These situations are much more complex than people realize. What if you . . . just don't know the guy? I mean, I'm not always keen on agreeing to a date right away even if I am interested in that guy because being alone in a dark place is just not the way to begin for me. As terrible as it is, one bad situation leaves an impression on the mind forever, particularly if it included violence, aggression, or imposed frightening boundaries on the girl in question. Just because you happened to be suave when you talked me into a date, doesn't mean you aren't a lunatic. How would I know? I don't.
What am I supposed to say if I don't know how I feel about you? Why do people (guys in particular, but that is because I'm female, so this is only my side) want a snap-judgement right then and there? I'm screwed either way: If I give in, I'm still totally out of my comfort zone because you want me to decide if I like you / want you right then and there, and seriously, I should know? If I say I want to be friends or that I want to wait, it seems as if it's just not worth it for the guy.
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