Jesse James, what were you thinking? You were a filthy biker with a moderately amusing show on cable... Sandy B. made you legit. And you guys made us all believe that we weren't wasting all our time chasing bad boys
. Where did it all go wrong?
Who doesn't want to be that special girl who can turn a big, dumb, sexy, tattoo-covered biker into a domesticated Prince Charming? We all want to be that girl, but Sandra Bullock WAS that magical girl. Not only did WE all love her, but the biggest, baddest dude in the cable biker world fell at her adorably quirky feet, while she played loving stepmother to his adorable half-stripper children. It was the fractured fairy-tale version of the American Dream. We all wanted it to work.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, gracious, lovely, talented, Best Actress–award-winning dream girl Sandra Bullock moved out of the home that she shared with bad-boy-turned-loving-domestic-partner Jesse James. Turns out that Jesse had been cheating on her, having an 11-month affair with one Michelle "Bombshell" McGee
. To look at that girl is to see the living incarnation of regret. Everything about her -- from her hair to her bikini-clad boobs -- makes us weep for Sandy, and for ourselves.
AND proves the age-old warning that you can't change a bad boy into a good boy. Bad boys will always be bad. I'm the last one to admit that our mothers are all collectively right about this one, but they are. It wasn't long ago that a teary-eyed, tattooed Jesse James smiled lovingly up at Sandra as she gave her acceptance speech at the Academy Awards. A short while later it's all a big pile of poop. Honestly, go for the guy with the nice family and ex-girlfriends you can relate to. Bad boys are always bad news, big trouble and a pain in the ass.
Hey, Jesse James! When you were getting busy with Miss Big Boobs were you also thinking about how you can kiss your sweet hall pass goodbye? That's right! Welcome to the B-list. "Dancing With the Stars
," here you come! Watch the doors slam shut you silly, silly man. And thanks for teaching a generation of young girls that you can't put lipstick on a pig -- or you'll be the one burned on the spit.
I wonder if Jesse suffers from the same kind of sexual addiction that Tiger Woods suffers from. Will he now be whisked off to a clinic in Palm Springs to deal with his addiction to bonking scary biker chicks? Will we now see Bombshell and Jesse on next season's "Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew
"? What will become of our beloved Sandy? We're going to have to stay tuned in to this one.