Just what is it that makes us decide there will be no date two? Or, more importantly, date three, with a particular guy? Turns out Ellen Rakieten, a former producer for Oprah, and Anne Coyle, a copywriter -- along with help from dozens of unsuspecting men -- may have the answers. All 311 of them.
The authors of the new book, "Undateable
," gave men citations for a lot of things that had us giggling in recognition (like "sunglasses indoors").
"Who wears these?" they quip, quoting Larry David. "Blind people and assholes."
So true. Though it should be noted we have no beef with the former. Also on the list: guylights (men with highlights ... or lowlights), makeup (we couldn't agree more
), big bad boxy polyester tops, mullets, sleeveless T-shirts, gold chains, fauxhawks, walking shoes and knee socks. Theirs is a fairly exhaustive list, but, having a rich dating history of our own, it wasn't hard to jot down 10 more
things men do that eliminate the need for chastity belts. Read on, then, please, and by all means add your own. The men of America need guidance.Speedos:
OK, this also made "Undateable"'s list, but we feel the need to reiterate, as it was the first Tourette's-like exclamation out of our mouths. Even if you're European. With a god-like body. You can't get away with wearing the bottom half of a bikini on a beach. The same effects it has on your man sack, boys, the Speedo has on a girl's libido.
Mr. Have You Met My Chest?
In other words, the guy who stubbornly (and regretfully) refuses to ever button his two top buttons. The fact remains: However smooth or hairy, bare chests are tacky. You're not in GQ, and nobody wants to see those curlicues God gave you -- especially at a restaurant.
Super-Dirty Baseball Caps:
Yeah, we get that it's your lucky hat. All we're saying is, hose it down every once in a while. Otherwise, we assume your head smells. And you can imagine where we go from there. Besides, all you have to do is stick the stinking thing in the dishwasher. (You're welcome.)
We solemnly swear it's impossible to swoon when a guy doesn't know the difference between "definitely" and "defiantly." In fact, when one of our former dates said he was "defiantly" looking forward to seeing us on the night that would have been date three, he didn't so much as get to first base.
Guess what? The same way 90 percent of communication is nonverbal, 90 percent of how far we're going to go with you has already been decided by the time we arrive at a date, and a lot of that
depends on your ability to communicate. Listen: Use words. If u text us 2 meet up 2 nite, we'll assume you're in eighth grade, and, dude, that ain't legal.
Guys Who Order Salads:
Thing is, we're having the ribs -- and if you have no appetite at dinner, we can only imagine what you'll be like in bed.
Guys Who Wear Rings:
Class ring, my-ass ring. This is just not attractive. In fact, a dude with brass knuckles would come closer to depantsing us than any guy who adorns any of his digits with anything but a wedding ring. Though those have occasionally been known to get us hot
Guys Who Can't Grow a Mustache:
Just give it up. It's the rare man who can pull off facial hair to begin with, and being in the running means you have to be able to grow it in the first place. Besides, that patchy little thing above your upper lip looks like a Chia Pet that didn't take. Just not hot
Shiny, Pointy Shoes:
The Wicked Witch of the West called: She wants her footwear back! This we plain can't figure out. Do dudes in these shoes think they're Don Corleone? Or that we'll think they're high rollers? Thing is, we're girls -- we know what feet are shaped like, and that silhouette isn't doing you, or our inner lust-o-meter, any favors.
Men Who Don't Like Animals:
C'mon, a brine shrimp? How about a lizard? You must like something. But the bottom line is, if you're not feeling the love for something as undyingly loyal as a dog, we flat-out don't trust you.
More Fun Stuff on the Web:
We're not just haters -- We love chubby, stubbly geeks (and these other secret-crush types), too.
We also have crushes we're not very proud of ... on guys like David Koresh and, um, George W.
Ready all about Alex (left) and Luke's Excellent Adventure...and find out how you can be a part of it
Knock, knock...Orange you glad you're not one of these bridesmaids?
The 2010 Douchebag Brackets: 4 Categories (Entertainment, Politics, Sports, Business), 64 Contestants -- What's Your Pick?