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At some point in your life, you've probably liked someone you shouldn't.

Someone married, someone engaged, someone dating a close friend.

You try very hard to feel different, but the harder you try, the less you can. It doesn't matter whether they like you back, or flirt with you, or do nothing at all. Taboo interest of this stripe has a sordid momentum all its own, reciprocated or not.

I know, because it's happened to me. I've found myself unable to stop thinking about someone who was with someone else. And without anywhere to put these feelings I had, the emotion fed on itself until I found I was unable to be around her. Liking someone you're not supposed to like is deliciously poisonous, but soon the hemlock emotions can kill you from the inside.

From a purely fantastical standpoint, thinking about being with somebody else's significant other is sexy. It's so illicit! It's so taboo! The Bible's so against it! Ultimately, however, unless you're willing to break up a marriage (or at least try), end a friendship, change the way everyone you know thinks about you, unless you're truly, impossibly in love with this person (it helps if they're secretly in love with you, too), you need to stop. You need to pull yourself out of this sickening orbit of longing and lies.

Here's how.

Keep a Stiff Upper Lip, Soldier
First thing you're going to want to do is get a goddamn grip. Look, your feelings don't make you evil or f*cked up, but quit believing that you and the Spoken For are meant to be, and stop looking at your friend who's dating this person as In The Way.

True, some lasting, loving relationships start out this way. It can happen, but it's not the ideal way to start a union because people get really hurt. So, for now, let's assume the person you're not supposed to like but do is not the Love Of Your Life.

Then what?

For starters, relax. Half of what drives us so batty is wanting something we can't have. If I could drink pale ale and eat funnel cake all day long, I would, but I can't. You assign mythical status to this person because he's (or, in my case, she's) taken, is probably on pretty good-to-best behavior around you, and is with someone who you know doesn't "get" him. So the first thing to do is remind yourself this person isn't All That, even if, deep down, you get the sneaking suspicion he is. He's a flawed and fallible human, just like you. And his spouse/girlfriend might "get" him just fine. Maybe it's you who doesn't really get him.

Demystify, Demystify, Demystify
Are you relaxed? Good. So you've stopped idealizing the object of your desire's more attractive points. The next step is zeroing in on some of his unattractive qualities. Maybe he's embittered when he's alone with his significant other, maybe he snores and is obnoxious to waiters, or mean to his mom. There's a ton of info you can pick up just in casual conversation with the friend of yours he's dating. You need to chip away at his sexy armor chink by chink.

Next, limit the time you hang out with just your friend and the object of your verboten longings. Doing so is a recipe for disaster. I can recall being in this position several times.

I am at my most charming around wives and girlfriends. Why? As I've said before, there's no pressure. I've essentially taken my penis out of the equation, and then my brain -- no longer enslaved by that idiot in my pants -- can do its thing. Next thing I know, I'm giggling with the wife while my friend is watching TV and then I realize, Oh no, I'm doing it again. This is why it's good to have more people around. Despite wanting nothing more than to be alone with him, you need to fill the space between you and your object of desire like a film director putting a dozen extras between Will Smith and the backpack bomb he has to defuse with only the power of his megawatt smile.

If the going's getting really rough, and you start to think, Oh sh**, I like this person a lot, then try to figure out what it is about him you like, and go try to find that for yourself -- but in the form of someone not dating/married to one of your friends. Now, if you start to think, Oh noooooo, I'm in love with this person! well, then that's a whole different situation.

The Doomsday Scenario
Look, if you really, truly think you're in love with your friend's significant other, the only reason on EARTH to broach this subject is if you think (preferably, if you know) that said Other is also in love with you. In this scenario, you owe it to your friend to come clean -- otherwise, she's living a lie with someone who doesn't love her. If you don't know what the Desired thinks, and you just have to find out, well it's a gamble-and-a-half, but fine. Talk to him, express your feelings and your desire not to seriously mess up anything up for him. I'm telling you, this is all dangerous ground.

You would be wiser to do nothing and just let your unrequited love rot you from the inside until you either A) get over it, or B) die alone. The only reason to bring this into the light of day is if the love's mutual ... and real.

What happened to me and my feelings for that Taken Girl? Well, time passed, and it got easier to deal with. I think about her still, of course. What could have been. Part of life is regret, is sadness, is longing. But sometimes you just have to accept things as they are, put your own desires aside, and move on.

Besides, they can always live on in your nighttime fantasies.


[Redacted] Guy is the resident Single Guy writer for Lemondrop. He enjoys cooking, Werner Herzog films, and making wayward romantics straighten up and fly right. You can send him hate mail and love letters here, and follow him on Twitter.


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