Lemondrop

If only every Hollywood star would publish an entire book about what they think about love at the same time their relationship went belly-up -- as Jennifer Love Hewitt's year-long romance with Jamie Kennedy reportedly did yesterday.

Sure, we feel for her, but we also commend her: Now it will be a lot easier for the tabloids to sort between truth and fiction. Because they care about that. In fact, based solely on what she told us in "The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I'm a Love-aholic," we guarantee we can answer anything you want to know about J. Love's current emotional state. That's because the book includes her feelings on everything from first kisses to breakup tips, including "Vagazzle your hoo-ha with Swarovski crystals." But let's start at the top, shall we?

1. Jennifer never was, has been or will be a serial dater -- or a "cereal dater" for that matter. Says J. Love in Chapter One, which is somewhat inexplicably titled "Cereal Dater," "Serial dater -- it's like a bad KICK ME sign on my back. It's a nickname given to me at least a thousand times in major magazines, television shows and articles that are supposed to be talking about my work. What does it mean? That I date men and kill them?" We're not sure. Maybe just that she feeds them too much Captain Crunch?

2. She wishes she'd met her soul mate in the fourth grade.
"Yes, I have dated a lot, not on purpose by the way. I would have loved to have met my soul mate in fourth grade and never looked back. Not my fate obviously." Obviously. Not many of ours either.

3. She prefers there be two sets of balls in a relationship.
Jennifer actually prefers having two sets of cojones in any one love. And we quote: "Why can't there be four balls in a relationship and two of them be mine?" We're not sure. Last we heard, Los Angeles was teeming with able-bodied plastic surgeons.

4. No, it's not that she's too picky.
As evidenced by this selection of a quote by Sam Keen, which separates two "chapters":

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."

Apparently Jamie Kennedy was too imperfectly imperfect, but we can't say how because he didn't publish a book.

5. She does judge a guy on what he drinks.
The first cocktail can speak volumes, says Hewitt. "If he has eight [cocktails], bad sign. If he has a Cosmo and you have a Scotch, it could also be a bad sign." However, if he "can give great conversation, gets fun or sexy with alcohol, or wants to tell you how beautiful you are," she would go for date two. That is, as long as you both have balls and drink Cosmos.

6. She's a big fan of the "horizontal lambada."
It "can change any bad day into a good one, end fights and move people into the next phase," in which, presumably, you hand-feed each other Lucky Charms while sharing cocktails.

7. She really, really loves to spoon.
And she's not coy on this point: "I'm a spooner, I love to spoon!" she enthuses. "Like a Velcro monkey, I will suck to the back of my cuddle partner, creating the ultimate spoon."

8. Her favorite gift she's ever given? "His and her" toiletry kits.
Because there's nothing that melts a guy's heart like being presented with his own set of pore strips. Though Jennifer has since learned her lesson: "OMG, let me just embarrass myself right now. I spent three hours once making his and her toiletry kits. One for my house and one for his. At the time I thought it was the most romantic gift. When I presented them I thought I would receive the Greatest Romantic Award." (Which we take to be kind of like a love-related Oscar.) Anyway, she (sniff) never saw the guy again. Now she's a big believer in his and hers overnight bags.

9. Her ultimate breakup remedy: "Vagazzaling Your Hoo-Ha."
For some, a new haircut might be enough. But not for a self-professed love-aholic. In the throes of a previous breakup, the first person J. Love reached out to was Angelique, a professional aesthetician who came over to save her life by way of spray tan: "That's right, soon I would be a walking caramel macchiato ... and with every layer of color my confidence grew!" enthuses Jennifer. So happy to be newly coffee-colored, she then let Angelique talk her into the latest beauty trend: "It would not only change my outer appearance, but how I felt on the inside," she rationalizes. The procedure? "She wanted to put Swarovski crystals on my hoo-ha. I called it 'VAGAZZALING.'" (And this isn't the first time she's gone public with that news.) She should go for it, J. Love decided, "for her own viewing pleasure," and it should look, she decreed, like her "favorite denim jacket from the eighties." The results, she reports, were nothing short of amazing: "For the next week I had this uncontrollable urge to show everyone my crystal delight." Luckily, she refrained.

10. But she also believes there are Twenty Other Things You Should Do After a Breakup, in this order:
20. Know you won't die (you have to stick around so he can see what a mistake he made.)
19. Take it one day at a time (we all have to take it one day at a time, that's how it works.)
18. Don't go to the old "we" spots.
17. Do something extreme (that you normally wouldn't do).
16. Don't go to see romantic comedies.
15. Don't have regrets.
14. Delete him from Facebook.
13. Stop driving by his house (it's not "Fatal Attraction.")
12. Call that guy you have always thought about.
11. Get a new hairdo.
10. Get a new outfit.
9. Make out with a stranger (he must be gorgeous or you'll feel worse.)
8. Change your number.
7. Delete his number.
6. Go to yoga.
5. Talk about something else.
4. Get out of the house (remember, your friends still have to know you, so shower.)
3. Get out of bed, preferably within seventy-two hours.
2. Eat chocolate but only for forty-eight hours.
1. Listen to "Jagged Little Pill."

We're sure that since she wrote a whole novella on the subject, J. Love Who Doesn't Cereal Date and Her Newly Sparkly Hoo-Ha will emerge from this chapter just fine, but just in case, here's our handy guide to surviving heartbreak -- and we guarantee it doesn't involve stick-on crystals anywhere near your nethers.