For less than the price of lunch, Bradley Laborman will break up with your boyfriend.
On his site, IDUMP4U.com
, you can pay him $10 to let down your significant other via telephone. He customizes the calls, then posts the audio on the site for your listening pleasure / horrified wincing. (For example, you can listen to Bradley dump a guy named Clark for his girlfriend Britney, because Britney says Clark plays too much Farmville.) For a slightly higher fee, Brad will call off your engagement ($25) or inform your spouse that you'd like a divorce ($100).
It seems harsh, but most of Bradley's clients are for a generation of us who are supposedly afraid to check our voicemail
, it may be the perfect passive-aggressive solution for when you don't care enough to break up in person.
Besides, Brad feels like he's doing a service. His philosophy: You probably don't want to be with somebody who'd break up with you via an Internet service anyway.
Cruel? Perhaps. But breakups are torture in general -- from the first time you realize you hate the sight of your ex's ironic T-shirts, to the moment you find one of them under the couch months after your protracted, angry breakup.
Thankfully, there are services like Bradley's to help you through the process from beginning to end. You don't have to rely on pinot grigio and sturdy black garbage bags anymore. Below, check out four more breakup services from creative, sympathetic professional breaker-uppers and relationship cleanup experts. Let the healing begin ... or just pay someone else to.Death Bear
This slightly creepy, very helpful free collection service is part of a project by the performance art group Club Animals. Clad in solemn black and sporting the head of a bear costume, "Death Bear" will visit your New York area home to collect the artifacts of your broken relationship. One simply schedules an appointment, and the 7-foot-tall breakup harbinger will arrive with a duffel bag to abscond with "things from you that trigger painful memories," to "stow them away in his cave where they will remain forever allowing you to move on with your life." Aww, sweet ol' Death Bear.
Dirty Rotten Flowers
This floral delivery service based in Los Angeles can send perfect floral arrangement from scornee to scorner -- the macabre flower shop specializes in bouquets of the dead and decapitated nature. Bitter individuals can choose from a bouquet of rotting flowers "for someone you might want out of your life." Try the Morticia -- a dozen decapitated roses -- perfect for the guy who broke your heart. Starting at $25, the bouquets can be delivered nationwide with a personalized, withering message.
Goodwill's "Dump Your Ex's Stuff"
One thrift shop wants your ex's stuff to go from "good riddance!" to good deed. A Colonial Park, Pa. Goodwill runs a donation drive geared toward ex-lovers. The store welcomes wedding dresses, picture frames, and sundry "Eternal Sunshine"–esque goods for contribution to the "graveyard of relics from relationships past" that can be shopped for charity. (One bewildered Goodwill customer even found a homemade porn video in a VCR he'd bought.) Beyond the stuff itself, however, the drive is about helping to spin avarice into altruism.
The Museum of Broken Relationships
One person's painful reminder of love lost is another person's art exhibit. At the Museum of Broken Relationships, check out the remains of defunct romances and read the anonymous stories behind them. The museum's Web site explains that "objects possess integrated fields -- 'holograms' of memories and emotions." Individuals can rid themselves of these, um, "holograms" by donating them to the museum. The items in the collection run the gamut from predictable (teddy bears, love letters) to bizarre (a prosthetic leg, a gall stone).
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