Chatroulette, as you may or may not know (even if you're old!), is an addictive new site that randomly matches participants through video chat.

I'm not an addictive personality, per se, but I am a passionate and obsessive one. I clean when I'm stoned; I will listen to a song on repeat for weeks until I am done with it forever; and I ran my last relationship into the ground until I had no love left to give. I'm extreme.

Naturally, Chatroulette (pronounced in my world: sha-troo-layt), is now a regular part of my life.

You don't know who's going to show up live, via webcam, on your screen, and each partner has the ability to hit "Next" to get a new partner (if they so choose). Players come far and wide, ranging in age, race and intentions.

But it's not generally considered a haven for women -- 90 percent of the strangers are trying to see "UR T*TS." Another popular Chatroulette phenomenon? Unprovoked and unwarranted homophobia. Most popular, however, is constant male masturbation. In my professional estimation, I'd say roughly 1 out of 8 users is penis-in-hand.

Naturally, this is my favorite outcome on Chatroulette, because while most people 'Next' the offender, I want to find out just exactly what this person is looking for.

And mess with him. This, homegirls, is how to have fun on Chatroulette while also being female.

At first, I tried batting the old eyelashes, smiling sans teeth (because it's submissive and uncertain, just the way the masturbators like it), etc. Then I realized that these men are only showing their anonymous genitals and are getting off simply to people's faces. So I toyed with that shizz.

Yes, basically I am both mocking them and getting them off. And it's hilarious.


Exhibit A:


After continually ignoring his request to show him my "boobs" and take my shirt "of," I told some pasty, hairy dude to twirl his chest hair. And he did! My expression here is my way of trying to make my sexuality as disgusting to him as his was to me.

Exhibit B:


I told some white-bearded guy to slap both of his hairless thighs simultaneously. So at this point, he was masturbating to me with a dish rag on my head and my commanding of him to slap his thighs. And he did. LOL.

Exhibit C:


I felt bad about the third one because he was closer to my age -- a little younger, I think. Yikes! I'm young, too. I'm young, too! I couldn't take pretending anymore, so I was just being straight-up silly and this guy showed me his impressive dang-a-lang, and I was like, "Cool."

The most hilarious behavior combination is crying and masturbation, and essentially, this is what I'm trying to get the jackers-off to do.

Perhaps the thrill comes (heh) from the element of performance, or maybe it's tainting (lolz I'm srsly not doing this on purpose) the sexual experience of the perverts.

But I wanted to go beyond calling this person a pervert or a homophobe. I want to know just what happens beyond the instant Next-ing of The Penis. So rather than be horrified or disgusted or offended, I took the joy out of their wanking. And it turned out to be REALLY FUN. It's mean, but I don't care, because so is homophobia and misogyny. Take that, Chatroulette.