Lemondrop

When I read a Reuters trend piece on the phenomenon of "flitting," I was glad I'd spent most of my teenage years perfecting the elusive "audible eye-roll." What's "flitting"? Surprise! It's just a dumb name for flirting and dating facilitated by Twitter.

Appaaaaaaarently, while most flitting is done informally, a Canadian-based online dating company is holding Flitter meet-ups.

Instead of meeting face-to-face, singles wear numbered tags and stay glued to their iPhones and Blackberries (this is while everyone's in the same room, btw), tweeting which "numbers" they find attractive or RTing participants they find particularly intriguing. (Sample tweet: "#129, you're so fine, but #152, you're hot too. Man oh man, what will #72 do?" Really, humanity?)

OK, I can kind of see a point here -- get timid Internet geeks in the same room with the opposite sex, without the sheer inhuman terror of eye contact. But seriously? It'll probably all just end in stuttering and excruciating conversational slapstick violence anyhow. Punk, I defy you to ask me how I know.


You Looked Taller on the Internet
Real Talk: I've met people who follow me on Twitter in real life -- on purpose and by accident (the world is small). And on the whole? I think they read Gilda's tweets, and they wake up with me.

I primarily use Twitter to write stupid jokes, and I've gotten more than one direct message from a dude who's like, "Hey, I ALSO live in Brooklyn and am wildly funny! Who wants to get drinks?" Cut to me peeling at the label of my Lagunitas like a nervous raccoon while he stares at me like I'm suddenly going to start physically spitting out jokes like the fortune-telling machine in "Big." I don't speak in one liners! This is awkward!

Flitters Never Win
On paper, picking up somebody through Twitter is slightly less creepy than using other social media platforms on a purely superficial level. The point of Twitter for most people is to broadcast information and let strangers sign up for more if they like what they hear. Besides, potential stalkers have only a small avatar to stare at as opposed to multiple photo sets to wank to.

And for sheer expediency's sake, it seems like a great idea to distill your dating personality in 140 characters ("We have similar taste in music, but I'm a gross kisser and I have crippling mommy issues.") But in reality, after "Hey, I like your Twitter," what can you say to somebody?

But Don't Take My Word for It, Levar
Look, team: Just because I'm awkward and disappointing IRL doesn't mean everybody is. Chicago Now's RedEye column recently profiled multiple couples who moved cross-country to be together after falling for each other via the microsonnet. If people are meeting via Facebook and "World of Warcraft," it only make sense that creepy, low-interaction Twitter meet-ups should follow.

And who better to aid the super-shy in their quest for love than programmers? (Take Raderoo, an app that helps you determine whether or not a Twitter user is single, just another step to help circumvent rejection.) I guess when you throw together a bunch of dorks, bloggers and other social morons like yours truly, you can bet they'll try to have nervous, sweaty sex with each other.

Julieanne is Lemondrop's story editor. She hopes Google Buzz will come up with a "flitting" equivalent, because it will give her the opportunity to make lots of vibrator jokes. You can follow her on Twitter here.