Lemondrop

Last week, we ran the first half of answers you asked sex expert and author of "She Comes First" Ian Kerner, who's our on-call sex PhD. Last week, we talked about queefing. It's all uphill from here, ladies!

Click here for part one, and as always, leave your burning questions in the comments, and Ian may answer them, too.

Q: My relationship with my husband started off as a fling, and sex was a top priority for quite some time. Fast forward to years later, and we're constantly fighting because he can't keep up with my needs. Is it normal for married couples to engage in sex once a week or less? My expectations are stuck as they were years ago, and I don't see the problem with wanting it at least every other night. Also, could a large age gap be a contributing factor?

Ian Says: Sex ruts and mismatched libidos are common issues, and sex changes over the course of a relationship. People change. Relationships change. Why should sex stay the same? If he's substantially older than you, his age could definitely be part of the problem, as male desire wanes with age as testosterone levels lower. It's sort of like the male equivalent of menopause, except it's called andropause, and one of the main characteristics is a lowering of sexual desire. Is your husband eating well, staying in shape and exercising? As men age, studies have shown that men who lead healthy lives also have healthier sex lives.

Once a week isn't bad. Whenever a couple asks me what's normal in terms of sexual frequency, I always try to encourage a minimum of once a week. Sex begets sex and sex ruts beget sex ruts and once a week helps couples stay tuned in and turned on for the long haul.

In long-term relationships when the sex starts to wane, you need to remember that the brain is the biggest sex organ and that humans are novelty-seeking creatures. Are you using fantasy to initiate sex, or are you relying too heavily on physical response?

Finally, enjoy your own sexuality. Nothing wrong with masturbating to fill in those natural gaps in your respective libidos. This could be a good opportunity to introduce new erotic material into your fantasy life.

Q: How do I initiate sex with a new partner? I am shy and not aggressive, and so I don't get any sex unless somebody else goes in for the kill.

Ian Says: Nothing wrong with being shy, and there's no reason to feel like you need to be aggressive about sex. Sexual desire should be mutual, and if you're "not getting any" it's probably not because you're not being aggressive enough, (unless you just can't bring yourself to make a first move), but more likely because you're not creating the ideal pre-conditions for sex.

First off, there's no aphrodisiac better than lots of foreplay – mental and physical. Talking about sexy stuff together, kissing, expanding a relationship outside of a bedroom, etc. Foreplay releases a potent neurchemcical cocktail, which lowers inhibitions and feeds upon itself. So when you say you're not getting any sex, are you talking about the actual act of intercourse, but all the fun stuff (kissing, touching, tasting, etc.) that leads up to intercourse. Is your issue that foreplay isn't leading to intercourse, or that you're too shy to break the ice and make a first move? If it's the latter, you have to get past your shyness and get comfortable making that first move. If it's the former, you may need to work on your foreplay skills.

As a guy, I relate to your issue. Before I met my wife, I was always terribly shy, particularly with first kisses ice-breakers (such as asking a woman out on a date). Being shy can be an attractive trait, and luckily many women empathize with how hard it is to make a first move and make the process easier by signaling their receptivity. But shyness in the extreme can also be a real handicap, and if it's really getting in the way I think you should sit down with a therapist and discuss reasons behind your shyness and ways to get past it. A couple of shots of bourbon always helped me loosen up, but that's a personal choice.

Q: I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 40. When we have sex, he has these things he wants me to do, like going online to find guys to chat with while I masturbate, or only wants to watch me masturbate while he sits in another room and listens. Is this normal? Or is his way of making me satisfy myself? What's wrong with this?

Ian Says: Hmm, well, I think I've already addressed the desire-gap in my previous responses, particularly when an age-gap is also part of the issue, but your question brings up another issue – the role of fantasy in stimulating sexual arousal and what to do when a partner's fantasy pushes us out of our sexual comfort zone.

In my work as a sex therapist, I've observed two different sexual types: "thrill-seekers" and "comfort-creatures." Sexual thrill seekers generally need a higher degree of stimulation and novelty, get bored quickly, and seek out situations thatare accompanied by a sense of danger. Thrilling situations produce dopamine transmission in the brain, which enhances the sense of excitement and can even become addictive. Generally thrill-seekers get quickly habiutuated to one form of excitement and then want to try something different, even more daring, while comfort-creatures are perfectly content to just do it in a bed. Maybe your boyfriend is more of sexual a thrill-seeker than you are. In my experience, finding a common comfort-zone is one of the more daunting tasks for matched comfort-creatures who are in relationships with sexual thrill-seekers. It takes a lot of discussion and negotiation.

We all have a "love-map,"a term first coined in 1980 by the late Dr. John Money of Johns Hopkins University, which refers to "the sexual template expressed in every individual's erotic fantasies and practices." In other words, our "love maps" represent the blueprint of our erotic desires, shaped by previous positive and negative sexual experiences and explaining everything from why we gravitate to a particular physical type to what feeds our private fantasies and actual practices.

I personally believe that a healthy fantasy life is key to a healthy sex life, and the more comfortable we are sharing our fantasies with our partners the better. I also think that fantasies naturally touch on taboos, and that's part of what makes them fantasies. As Kaye Wellings, a respected British socio-biologist and author, explains in her book First Love, First Sex, "Fantasies perform a valuable function. Most of us, most of the time, behave conservatively, sexually and otherwise. Our erotic experiences represent only the tip of the iceberg in terms of possibilities. Many possibilities only see the light of day through fantasies or dreams, seldom as reality."

I never judge anyone by their fantasies, and I don't believe in classifying fantasies as normal or not normal, but I don't think that anyone should ever be pushed out of their comfort-zone and forced to do anything that makes them uncomfortable. As an example, I know plenty of people who get turned-on by the idea of a threesome, but then they go out and have one (usually to make their partner happy) and they really come to regret it. So there's nothing wrong with your boyfriend getting off on exhibitionistic fantasies, but you have to find a mutual comfort-zone for expressing them. Anytime a fantasy involves a third person (even if that person is online) it could lead to trouble. But luckily the brain is the biggest sex organ, and when it comes to fantasy, a little often goes a long way. So perhaps you can bring these fantasies back to the realm of talk, not action.


Ian Kerner is a clinical sexologist whose books on sexuality include "Sex Recharge," "Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man," and "She Comes First," now available in paperback.