Asylum.com talked one of their writers into getting a "man makeover." Now, we know there are plenty of guys who really enjoy getting ready -- the fauxhawks, the dragon-stenciled button-downs, the GTL routine. Heck, some of us even like the pretty boys. But as much as we enjoy seeing a man personally experience getting his eyebrows done, we're not digging Alan's new style. See his "before" and "after" shots, below.
In Alan's "before" picture, he looks like a sexy adjunct professor that we would have wanted to sleep with as a college girl. In the second picture, he looks like a guy who just might drug and rape that college girl. We have a rule when it comes to men and eyeliner: It's exclusively for Robert Smith and the Mexican teens who love him. Thankfully, Alan agrees (be sure to go read what he thought of his new look.)
But even given that, Alan's Sexy Me is a new low. In fact, the "after" Alan -- eyeliner, mascara, collagen and all -- looks a bit like Pete Wentz's sad-sack uncle the family would desperately like to disown. If he had one.
The good news? With all due respect to his girlfriend, Carley, we'd totally do the "before" Alan -- despite the fact that he fits more than a few profiles on our "10 Guys Not to Do" list. Memo to the fashion and beauty industries: Let the men be! We like them hairy, disheveled and untouched by stylists with names like Reiynne.
Ben Stone (Seth Rogen), "Knocked Up." A beautiful woman with an unbelievable job hops right into bed with an out-of-work Canadian stoner, under the cinematic pretext of "beer goggles." Please let us know what she was drinking so we can buy stock.
Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack), "Say Anything." Oh, Lloyd Dobler. Now that we know that kickboxing was not, indeed, the sport of the future, following gorgeous, smart Diane Court to college in England without a job or prospects of his own just seems kinda pathetic.
Andy Stitzer (Steve Carell), "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." Steve Carell's hairy manchild had neither a driver's license nor a lick of sexual experience, but landed small-business owner and hot single mom Catherine Keener. You know, 'cause he was so nice.
Chuck (Adam Sandler), "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry." A homophobic firefighter so broke that he agrees to marry his male co-worker for domestic-partner benefits lies to Jessica Biel about his sexual history. She falls madly in love with him. Who wouldn't?!
Troy (Ethan Hawke), "Reality Bites." Unemployed musician makes romantic pronouncements about smoking Camel Wides and bitches at Winona Ryder even as he crashes on her couch and hits her up for free pizza. The love story of our time.
Seth (Jonah Hill), "Superbad." Aside from a rather impressive collection of obscene drawings, this paunchy, raunchy dork seems to have little to offer the cute, funny girl he gets.
John Beckwith (Owen Wilson), "Wedding Crashers." A gorgeous, altruistic treasury secretary's daughter falls for a "professional mediator" who spends his spare time lying his way into parties and bridesmaids' underpants. Obvs.
Ben Wrightman (Jimmy Fallon), "Fever Pitch." Boston baseball superfan and crap boyfriend constantly ditches his beautiful, successful girlfriend because the Red Sox "need" him. How adorable!
20th Century Fox
Dante (Brian O'Halloran), "Clerks" & "Clerks II." A chubby dude with a creepstache and a series of crap jobs that he loves to whine about. Catnip to women like Rosario Dawson.
Michael (Zach Braff), "The Last Kiss." A mopey man-boy cheats on his lovely, pregnant girlfriend with a college student, and she takes him back. In the movies, he's "conflicted." In real life, we call that "sleazebaggy."
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