Lemondrop

Valentine's Day. The big 1-4. Every year, we inevitably stress over what exactly to get the men in our lives because, let's face it, V-Day is all about gifts for chicks. Well, I have one word for you: teledildonics.

That's the techie term for toys that play nice with computers -- gadgets like the Virtual Sex Machine. The sleek red and black number, which kind of resembles a kinky telescope, is the latest in video game accessories for guys.

Simply slide the Sex Machine on your guy's joystick (yes, that joystick), pick a video from Virtual Reality Innovations' extensive library, and hit play. He can choose from among the women he'd like to have virtually pleasure him -- including a team called, subtly, the Oral Goddesses.

This sprocket was even featured on the History Channel's Modern Marvels. It changes speed in response to screen action, simulates sensations like "tongue lashing," and (so long, Playboy!) your guy feels whatever is going on onscreen.

My favorite selling point? "The machine NEVER gets tired."

All you need is a PC, a credit card (the complete set costs $439, plus shipping and handling, of course), and a big red bow. Are you game?

Liz Ozaist is an editor and writer in Brooklyn, N.Y., who is obsessed with her two brilliant dachshunds, Balthazar and Felix, but occasionally leaves them at home to attend important talks on teledildonics.