Breakups. In the moment, there are few things in life that feel more soul-shattering than getting thrown under the bus by the person you care most about most. In last week's GuySpeak/GirlSpeak, we asked: How do you deal with the heartache of losing the person who is your best friend, lover and big spoon all rolled up in one?
Here's what Lemondrop readers had to say about moving on from your ex.
1. Go cold turkey.
Dr. Castellanos says, "If you break up with someone that you have been with for awhile (at least several months), your body goes through an actual withdrawal phase. This is accompanied by a change in neurotransmitters in your brain and feels horrible. The best way to get over this is to stop your ex cold turkey -- don't look at pictures, don't listen to voicemail messages, don't keep around articles that have their scent or cologne. That will just set you back into painful territory."
"I also agree with the cold turkey method," says Lindsay. I delete all emails and pictures, trash notes, cards or gifts I can live without, throw meaningful jewelry in a river, etc."
2. Live the single life.
Nonymou advises us to get used to independence so that we can start fresh when the next guy sweeps us off our feet. After a six-year hiatus between boyfriends, she says, "I got so used to being alone that now that I am in a new relationship, its like starting over as a young'n."
3. However, spend quality time with friends and family -- not time in bed with strangers from the bar.
"Rebound hook ups aren't helpful for anyone," says Nicole. "After the deed is done you just feel worse about yourself. Break ups suck but you will eventually get over it. Spend time with your friends or family, that will make you feel better than hooking up with some random person you barely know. Just because someone isn't in your life anymore doesn't mean that you deserve to be unhappy."
4. Give yourself emotional strength by building physical strength. "I recommend weight lifting or anything that makes you feel literally strong -- you have to be strong to get through the breaking up process." -- Mariehelene
5. Let time do its thing. The expression is a cliché for a reason. As Shelly says, "It is good to take a period of time to get him or her out of your system. Time is the only thing that will heal a broken heart."
Tell us! Do you have a tried-and-true method of getting over your ex?
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Thursday 11 February
By olderwiser
In this throw away society, couples tend to break up because of one fight. What ever happened to working things through? Partners are hard to come by and as you get older, you realize that every relationship has bumps in the road. Make sure you really want to be an ex before you decide to follow the " getting over your ex rules" that anyone publishes. After all, you and your relationship are one of a kind.
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Thursday 11 February
By leolux10
Interesting theories, yet, I don't fully agree. A relationship is only as strong as EACH parties contribution. A couple can break-up, and leave only one party feeling the bite. Why fight for something that only YOU hold as dear as you do? Only when a relationship is equally important to BOTH parties, should it be worth fighting for. A woman can either be dumped, or do the dumping, and be over it within a matter of days. These notions don't have to be realized through an actual break-up, either. You should know the persons character well enough, by being in the relationship, and knowing that persons capacity to brush things off. The "I don't care" attitude is rampant in both men and women. Do you feel that's a relationship worth fighting for? I sure don't.
Ryan.
Thursday 11 February
By leolux10
Another thing (or few). It also depends on what that "one fight' was over. Sometimes one fight is all it takes. Time isn't a factor, either. Marriages fall apart after decades. When it's time to call it off, you simply do what you have to do! Relationships are similar to antiques. Once they break-up, they're not always repairable. When you do, they'll never be the same, nor will they retain the same value. Some people only realize they've made a mistake after the break-up. However, where there is no regret, there's no need for reconciliation. You'll most likely find yourself in the same position, the second time around. This article may very well come in handy for many people. Me, not being one of them, because 9-1/2 out of 10, I was the dumper. However, Lindsay pointed out some methods that could work for me, but I tend to keep certian pictures, texts, and other things for sentimental reasons. memories. They have no negative affect on me, whatsoever.
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Thursday 11 February
By Todd
Ryan/Leolux10, I like your comments, I type this as my "other" lies in bed, I want to be an EX he wants me to be his EX, but money and dogs get in the way. So we live hating each other every other day. Life is really suckin after 12 years being together, but I'm not sure about how to move on!!
Thursday 11 February
By m2cute4jerks
If you were the dumper, you CAN hold on to text, emails, etc.. because you were not the one strung along. Me? I tend to be the dumpee because I am chicken and never have the guts to be the dumper. I think about others feelings more so then my own.
Thursday 25 February
By Louise
Good points leolux10. Your comment on it only being as strong as you both are really put my last relationship into perspective.... I was the only one fighting for it. What a waste of energy!
Thursday 11 February
By atragon
What exactly is love? Is it a real thing or just a notion for Hallmark to sell more cards? How do you know? How do you build on it, keep it alive? What happens after the passion diminishes? Are you just friends? Is there a reason it is called 'falling' in love? I have no desire for marriage and have been single all my life. I wish I understood it better.
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Thursday 11 February
By Todd
Its stupid.....but "You will know when you find it" I did, know I know that i fell out of love, not that I dont care or love him like a brother, its just not the same kind of love, not everyone has to get married, I think marriage is shit to tell you the truth, who needs that piece of paper. Life is to short, but life can be hard by yourself too. For us "love" was growing up together (24-35 yo) helping each other, laughing at the same things, crying at the same things, understanding each other, these days i want to bash his head in with a hammer, i'm sure he wants to do the same.
Wednesday 17 March
By trACY DAVIS
You're not missing anything (kidding) but kidding can contain grains of truth: I don't think anyone can define love, which is one reason for discussions like these that go on everywhere and throughout history --and I think it baffles and confuses and hurts most of us at times so dont feel alone about not understanding it. It makes no sense its a mystery! Like a death> Some love is really an addiction, some is dangerous, some choose partners for all the wrong reasons that are impossible to know because it could be part of your bio chemistry, childhood, boundries when growing up, self-esteem I think we do know that men and women think very differently (HUGE generalization) but its important to really own that realization in order to be able to respond to your partner's needs while staying full in yourself. There are so many angles about falling in love versis love and true intimacy -- (I dont think this helped at all)
Monday 15 February
By Cindy Nave
It takes someone to get over someone.
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Thursday 11 February
By bosco
I sell all of their clothes and other stuff they left behind and buy myself something wonderful.
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Thursday 11 February
By Troyce
What about a husband who decides after 4 decades of marriage to have an affair with an old flame? This goes on for quite a few months. Then decides all of a sudden he doesn't want to hurt his wife and calls this person from a store he was shopping at instead of doing the deed at his home to tell her it was all over. This whatever it was over as quick as it started. This man not only hurt one person but two. I just wonder what type of man would do this to a person. I say one that doesn't have a conscience and doesn't take in account the feelings ot others. But I feel this man has his due coming and it won't be from any human source it will be from heaven above. Many people when doing things like this think there is no body watching. Well guess what there is someone always watching. God is and he will always pay a wrong no matter what. This man lied to both women until these lies were getting to him. I do not feel any sympathy for him but when things are in Gods hands which he does a good thing of taking of things better than we do.
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Thursday 11 February
By Lynn Fischer
Stop relying on the God or Gods. He mistreated you and is a cad. That said you may still want to live with him. However, he will most likely do it again. You can be hurt again and just wait it out until he's too old and tired to continute to cheat and that's your choice. I'd leave, take the funds, furniture, pets etc you can or want, wait out the court stuff (you'll win especially if it's in your name) and begin a new life. It takes about two years for the pain to go away and for the divorce and settlement. You might as well spend the two years doing something for your "long run sanity self," and leave the bastard.
Saturday 13 February
By Madeline wilson
Troyce, I totally agree with you. I was married 38 years and he left me for my cousin. There are many nights I still can't sleep for thinking of things he did to me and my 2 sons. Both sons are on medications and we all go to therpy.
I keep waiting to see what isgoing to happen to him, but nothing does. He prospers more everyday. HE THINKS HE HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG. It was all my fault.
What could I do to get these things off my mind?
Saturday 13 February
By van
My heavens. I suppose the only one with the answers would be after his death. I don't know all the circumstances but he doesn't sound like he'll pass go!
Thursday 11 February
By palmtree
Ihave a question - I had been dating a person for 2 years - last year on his birthday weekend he and his ex girlfriend went out to lunch together as "friends". so this year, i asked him if she had called and were they
going out this year for his birthday. He says they still email each other quite a bit and talk on the phone every now and then. He had a come apart! started accusing me of listening to his calls, tapping his computer, phone, all kinds of stuff. well, i got this awful feeling in my heart. I knew that meant there was something he didn't want me to know. I couldn't believe it. I honestly thought we had a relationship of you can tell me anythiing. and he turned to me (we were in the car) and said just as serious that what he did "was none of my business". I was just floored. I am broken hearted. and it is valentine weekend. that was 2 weeks ago. what is your take on his reponse?
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Thursday 11 February
By crystalangel7266
He is definately more than just friends with his "ex". Anyone who gets defensive when asked about someone they are seeing means that they are fooling around. I know from experience, hanging around with an ex is never a good idea. There are ususally still unresolved feelings.
Thursday 11 February
By Dana
Thank God you didn't marry him and second, intuition is God speaking to you! Always go with what your heart tells you - that's the best advice anyone could ever have!!
Thursday 11 February
By Karen
You are right. In your heart you know he had a fit for a bad reason. Don't doubt yourself. YOU are the only one you can trust here.
Thursday 11 February
By PJ
If you miss the human touch after a breakup, I have always found massage to help me get over that problem. Also the standard gift my friends and I would give each other was a vibrator, it worked both fo the saugh and the not picking up men from the bar!
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