There's new news about what gets women turned on -- and what gets them off, which always piques our interest. There's no better person to explain these orgasmic breakthroughs than our special guest blogger Ian Kerner, author of "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman," out in paperback for the first time this week.
In fact, check back early and often -- during our countdown to Valentine's Day, that holiest of holy get-it-on holidays, the sex doctor will be in.
In fact, Kerner will be guest-blogging and offering his free advice -- including answers to your most pressing sex questions -- all week. For now, he shares four things that put the "Oh!" in orgasm.
1. Your brain needs to turn off for your orgasm to turn on. Researchers in the Netherlands found that the key to getting a woman to the heights of orgasmic bliss is a deep sense of relaxation -- and a lack of anxiety. All in the name of science, researchers at the University of Groningen scanned the brains of women and men while they were manually stimulated to orgasm by their partners. The scans showed that, for women, the parts of the brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion slowed down the more aroused they became, producing a trance-like state when they climaxed. Says Dr. Gert Holstege of women's sexual wiring: "What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm." Men's gray matter, on the other hand, showed far less change.
So, how you do turn off in order to turn on? More on that after the jump.
2. Try fantasizing about somebody other than the person you're sleeping with.
Sigmund Freud gave fantasy a bad name back in 1908 when he said, "A happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one." In a word, bunk. Research shows that people with active fantasy lives are more sexually satisfied, more sexually responsive and more adventurous about sex in general. And fantasy helps with the process of mental deactivation described above.
As neuroscientist Mark Solms, a leading expert in the field of sleep-research, explains, "Dreaming does for the brain what Saturday-morning cartoons do for the kids: It keeps them sufficiently entertained so that the serious players in the household can get needed recovery time." In my experience working with couples, I've found that women tend to fantasize during sex more than men and often worry because they're fantasizing about someone other the person they're sleeping with. But taboos are a natural part of fantasy, and sometimes the more off-limits a fantasy, the more within-limits an orgasm becomes.
3. They relieve pain. In fact, an orgasm may be more effective than Midol.
In the book "The Science of Orgasm," Beverly Whipple and her co-authors discuss the naturally occurring analgesic effects of orgasm and cite a study in which many American women claimed to masturbate as a way of avoiding menstrual cramps. And while orgasms may not be as effective as drugs when it comes to migraines, the effects of orgasm are more rapid. So next time you have a headache, you may want to hop on your vibrator instead of popping an aspirin.
But watch out:
4. You don't want to develop an "idiosyncratic masturbatory style."
Basically, this is a fairly new issue occurring due to the rise in porn-abuse by men: When guys take matters into their own hands, they get used to a type of manual friction and pressure that doesn't occur during real sex, then they experience all types of arousal and orgasm issues -- namely delayed ejaculation -- when they get with a girl. This is a new area of study, but it's possible that the whole idea of what we sex docs call "idiosyncratic masturbatory style" could also apply to women. For example, if you masturbate frequently with a vibrator and are now having a hard time experiencing orgasms during sex -- when it wasn't a previously a problem -- it may be time to give your Rabbit a rest.
Or it could just be:
Your guy is ill-cliterate.
Many men know more about what's under the hood of a car than the hood of a clitoris. You probably already knew this, but if your orgasm is increasingly elusive during sex, it could be time for him to get tutored in the ways of sexual cliteracy. For this, I recommend my book, "She Comes First," which is very guy-friendly and makes the case that sometimes the tongue is mightier than the sword. As Rhett Butler said to Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With the Wind," "You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how."




















Comments:
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Monday 08 February
By DrCastellanos
Women are so distractible! It's so paradoxical, but so true about needing to turn your brain off in order to have an orgasm (especially for women). So many people want to "make it happen" and don't realize that focusing on the physical sensation and quieting down your mind is the key. Kerner's book is already wildly successful and I hope that more people take the time to read his insights about orgasm.
http://ReclaimYourSexuality.blogspot.com
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Wednesday 10 February
By gordonhornlake
Another important ingredient for intense orgasms is for the woman to be assured by her lover that nothing is off limits -- she should be able to do whatever turns her own, and know that her lover wants her to show or tell him how to make the experience better for her, which automatically also will make it better for him.
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Friday 12 February
By Sandy
OH MY...the challenges I have had to TRY to learn to overcome to deal with how effective #2 can be. It can just feel like it's so disresctful to my lover...especially when he's doing everything right..but it is sometimes the only way I can manage to do #1 on the list.
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Friday 12 February
By Ryan
As a man who considers himself a hopeless romantic, loyal to a fault, and only finds satisfaction in being and doing whatever it takes to give his woman everything she needs to find satisfaction, number 2 on this list is world-crushingly depressing. The concept that no matter how wonderful I am, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, women will find more pleasure in fantasizing about someone else - well I guess it just makes me wonder: 'why bother?'. And seeing as I have no interest in men, where does that leave me? Alone, with my unrealistic fantasies of women who will find pleasure in thinking of me when we are as close as two human beings can be.
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Saturday 13 February
By bo
Don't worry sweetheart, it doesn't always work that way. It's addressing a large large section of the population and what is commonly considered human nature - even if there are only small percentages of women who are excluded from this, it would still add up to hundreds of thousands of actual women. Promise - it's not all or nothing.
Monday 15 February
By Linda
Oh Ryan - don't get so discouraged, or take it so personally. Fantasizing about someone else in bed isn't necessarily about not being attracted to the person you're in bed with. It can have to do with a whole variety of things. I mean, if every time a girl sleeps with someone she's thinking about that one ex that got away, she might have an issue - but if I'm sleeping with a guy - especially someone I've been with for a while - and I start thinking about Daniel Craig or someone equally delicious, it's not because I don't love the person I'm with, but because it's fun to fantasize about different people, different flavors. Like if I'm fantasizing about getting horizontal with Batman; it's an impossible dream, but a fun one! It doesn't even mean that I'd leave my lover for Daniel Craig or Batman if one came knocking at my door, but that doesnt' mean it's not exciting to think about. In the end, I always know who's giving me my orgasm.
Sunday 14 February
By ja
My husband could have wrote the book "She Comes First." He knows the clit and how to get the most out of it. But let me explain further: My husband is 76 years old. I'm 60. We got together two years ago. Experience is a plus but also sexual compatibility is the icing on the cake. No Viagara needed!
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Wednesday 17 February
By Lindsay
Personally I completely disagree with #2, and Ryan, I wouldn't worry that every girl will be thinking about someone else when you're in bed. I never think about having sex with someone else while I'm there doing it with my guy. Now I will admit, I may think about other things, like the errand I need to run, but not about doing it with someone else.
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Wednesday 17 February
By Bee
I was married for 53 yrs before I left him. Inconsiderate, clumsy, no romance, awkward, dirty. I had 1 climax aand he laughed at me. Never had another. Divorced and remarried to a romantic. We are both 78, and no problems. I still can't climax, but sex is a joy.
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Friday 19 March
By pkna
whats the limit of orgasms that a woman can have???
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Friday 19 March
By pkna
how many orgasms a woman can have? is there a limit for it that dosent affect your health?
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