Dem: Sexual Assaults Allow Military 'Culture To Continue'
'DWTS' Shakeup Ahead?
Read on for our guy vs. girl advice.
Wise-ass Cary McNeal is back to answer this query, and he has mixed feelings about it. Sure, 28 is too old to live at home, but he may have a good reason for staying in utero, so to speak. Maybe he's saving up, maybe housing is too expensive in your area, maybe his family just enjoys living together. The wise-ass thinks it's a good sign that he's paying rent and feels like he doesn't have enough info to properly advise this girl. McNeal implores her that "good guys are hard to find." If this guy is great in every other respect, he advises that she stay with him and see if he's cut any of those apron strings six months from now.
So basically, just ignore your concerns and hope for the magic of adulthood to come and sweep him away.
I must respectfully disagree with the advice of waiting it out. I've been in the dating pool long enough to recognize when a guy has an issue that doesn't directly affect the relationship but is so emotionally charged it ends up affecting the relationship anyway. My friends and I call them pink flags.
So whereas a drinking problem or an obsession with an ex is a clear a red flag, pink flags are the things you tell yourself to ignore because they aren't relevant, but slowly they end up consuming you. Pink flags are things like "He doesn't seem to be trying hard enough to get a job" or "He won't talk when we're out with my friends" or "He does everything his mom says."
Pink flags can make people stay in relationships that make them unhappy for far longer than necessary because they don't know how to fix the problem and nothing is out-and-out bad enough to force them to leave.
There are two factors to consider when you have a man with a pink flag. First, consider the actual issue. Is your man happy living at home? Is he working toward getting out, or does he seem complacent there? Is he striving to be a more independent person? That's crucial.
Then realize that the actual issue might be very separate from your feelings about it. Does your boyfriend realize how important his leaving the nest is to you? Because with pink flags, once we bring up whatever "the issue" is, we start assuming that if you're not moving to resolve "the issue" 24 hours a day, it's because you don't love us. So I will tell you this for sure: Your boyfriend is not refusing to leave his mom's house to upset you. Don't wait six months in silence. Separate his dwelling at mom's house from his feelings for you, and make his living at home an enemy that both you and your boyfriend are fighting as a team.
We want to hear from you! What "pink flags" have you encountered in relationships? Have you ever felt shallow for having reservations about a man who seemed perfect except for one little thing? What have you done about it?
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Monday 08 February
By Lauren
WOW! I totally had an a-ha moment when you were describing pink flags! The person I'm currently seeing is pink flagging left and right, for now his goods are outweighing the bads. But we'll see, maybe his pink-flags will put me over the edge one day, maybe not. For now I'm just along for the ride.
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Tuesday 09 February
By Andrea
I totally agree with what you say about pink flags. I stayed with someone for far too long because those pink flags weren't such a relevant issues.
Now, on the topic of still living with his parents: it could be a cultural thing. In many cultures, adult children stay with their parents until they're ready to get married and most recently, first generation children of immigrants stay until they're in a serious relationship.The poster says that he pays rent. Well, that's a good sign. Does he have a problem with living at home or do YOU have a problem with him living at home? Perhaps he has a good deal: he pays rents, utilities and had dinner with his parents once a week. Is that so bad? I think in this society, people are looked down upon for having such a close relationship with their parents. So he has cool landlords...who happen to be his parents. The bigger issue doesn't seem to be that he lives with his parents (because he pays rent and is "hard working"), the issue seems to be that YOU have a problem with him living with his parents. The fact that he "talks about moving out but hasn't" is because it implies that he's OK with the arrangement. Maybe its time you look at your self and ask: am I being judgmental, why do I really want him to move out, am I afraid of what people think of *me*?
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Wednesday 10 February
By Christine
Amen to that. I live in Asia and it's still the norm here to live with your parents until you get married or even after (usually the girl moving into her husband's family home). And given the economic slump, it's far more practical to be living at your family's place until you can score a job that pays better (as long as of course you help in paying your share of the expenses).
I guess it's different in other countries where they see this situation as "wrong" to be close to your folks. If anything it's a plus sign that he'd be as devoted to you and your family later on.
Wednesday 10 February
By Annie
There was a pink flag that sprang up with the guy that I'm currently dating where he always cracks jokes about me that used to get under my skin. He didn't really get why it upset me because I guess he just took for granted that I know he thinks the world of me and it's his sense of humor to crack jokes about everyone. I've developed a thicker skin and started to crack jokes back, and I also went into counseling recently to deal with my self esteem among other things, so I've developed a thicker skin and can laugh about it now.
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Wednesday 10 February
By Mint
I agree with the other posters. Why do some people in the U.S. have such bad views about living with your family? They love you, help you, look out for you and provide you with support. It doesn't mean that you're not independent, especially if you have a job and contribute to your family. I always thought it was great, because having a strong family tie, respecting your family and good relationship with parents and siblings always makes for a good future spouse. Just make sure you can tell the difference between that person and someone who mooches off their parents and is a loser.
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Friday 10 December
By Marcus
I know this is an old thread now, but as a guy in exactly the same situation as the original poster's boyfriend, I'm so pleased to hear that there are some understanding, non-judmental women out there after all!!
I'm 27, working in a decent job, and I live with my mother in the centre of London, a really expensive city that is experiencing a severe housing shortage. I don't pay rent, but I do pay all the household bills for her, which she would definitely struggle to keep up with without my help. I lived away from home for four years at university in another smaller UK city, and loved it, it was absolutely fine, but I can't afford to live in a nice place in London, as my job doesn't pay well enough yet. The issue for me is that by living at my mother's place, I can save money towards my future (hopefully buying my own home in the next few years instead of renting), I walk to work, thereby saving a considerable amount on transport money, and I can live in a nice part of town. If I lived on my own in London now, I'd only be able to afford a tiny bedsit or a small room in shared house, somewhere on the outskirts of town. However, these clearly logical reasons for living at home simply aren't good enough for most women I meet... as soon as they hear that I still live with my mother and siblings, they run for the hills, which is terrbily disheartening, because in most other respects I consider myself a pretty good catch, and because I've decided that with the way the economy is going, and with the housing situation in London, I won't be able to move out until I'm in a serious relationship and we both agree to share a one bedroom flat.
So, it's encoraging to know that some women are willing to consider the wider circumstances and reasons behind a 27 year old man's decision to keep living with his family... I think it simply doesn't conform to most people's world-views or expectations in the West, which is a bit narrow-minded and shallow in some ways.
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Monday 11 July
By Katie
I came across this feed and I just wanted to let you know that I have been in the same situation as you and wanted to let you know that you are wasting your time. My ex has a good job and sometimes gave money to his parents for repairs and things but he is 28 and has never moved out. He has had no reason to stay with his parents for this long. They werent sick or he wasnt having money problems, It was just out of sheer lazyness and lack of wanting to grow up. In the beginning, he lead me to believe that he was saving to buy a house as he didnt want to rent but this was just an excuse. He was spending all his money left and right on outings with me and his hobbies and getting himself an expensive SUV. I was with him for 7 months and never did he look for a place or looked like he was saving his money at all. When i finally confronted him at the 6 month mark, he said that he was wanting to pay off his debt before moving out. His mom did everything for him and that is the way he likes it. He worked and could spend all his money on what he likes to do rather than grow up and take on responsibilities. He talked about marriage with me but I said to him that that was out of the question until he learned to be self sufficient and be independent. He treated me great, he was respectful but he wasnt honest with me from the beginning pretending to me that this was a temporary thing when he had no intention to ever move out.
These guys want a relationship but are incapable of giving you one because eventually you will want to move forward but the relationship will never grow with his reluctance to want to grow up and move forward. They will promise marriage and promise that they will move out eventually but believe me they are empty promises and they are just saying that to keep you around as you have already put up with it up til now. I personally think its a waste of time to wait for these types of guys, First you want a man and he doesnt know the first thing about being a man and being on his own and you dont want him to treat you like his mother who in most cases has babied him his whole life. Its a no win in any case. He will not change for you and the reason he hasnt moved out is because his lifestyles suits him fine for what he wants. He is selfish, self-centered, spoiled and immature. I gave mine an ultimatum finally that it was time for him to do something if he wanted to continue with this relationship and he again gave me a big shpeel that it wasnt going to be until the end of the summer and blah blah until he paid off his debt, yet he was spending is money still left and right going on trips so I came to the conclusion that he wasnt serious enough and left him. He will never move out I wasted 7 months of my time on empty promises for nothing. You dont deserve to waste another minute on this loser either. Your time should be precious to you. Past actions or lack of speak for themselves in this case and this is not someone that you want to attach yourself to in the long run. You will wait for him for very little gain and you will be in the end very unhappy and disappointed in the choice you made to give him chance after chance. You deserve someone who shares the same goals as you and that you know can be there for you and take care of you and who can rise to being the man that you ultimately deserve as a life partner. Dont settle for a man child.
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