
Read on for our guy vs. girl advice!
His blanket advice, however, is to soothe the burn of love gone wrong with the ointment that is making out with strangers. He recommends "wild, public, drunken kissing," and I wholeheartedly agree with him. There is nothing better than celebrating brand new singlehood in the back of the bar around 2 a.m. -- but DeVore and I agree, keep it at the bar.
However (and isn't there always a "however"?), I've seen plenty of friends use "getting over someone" as their excuse to slut it up for two full years or never be able to be in a relationship with someone else. A few weeks ago, a friend told me, "Well, you know it's hard for me to date, I really got my heart broken when I was high school." This person was 30. So how do you actually get over someone? I divide it into three steps: wallow, learn and move on.
Wallowing happens right after the breakup. You're in mourning, so give yourself a grieving period. This can be a time of two days to two weeks to really wallow in your emotions, like a pig in mud. Circle the end date on your calendar. Force yourself to mourn that entire time -- soak it all in, write bad poetry, cry, Facebook-stalk your ex, eat cookie dough. This is your glorious time to be a hot mess, so use it.
I like DeVore's idea of having a Viking Funeral for an ex by burning their things and very tangibly ridding yourself of a person. Pay your respects and acknowledge that things have changed. When the deadline of your wallowing period ends, be grateful for it, and for the husked-out feeling you have now. The next step is learning, both about yourself and about the relationship that just ended. This is where the making out comes in. (Just so we're on the same page, we've decided that hooking up means having sex, and making out is not having sex.) Don't move to Whore Island permanently, but for a few weeks, kiss everyone, get something pierced, take jewelry-making classes, go see the types of movies your ex hated, go to the zoo, etc.
Part of what's lame about being in relationships is how everything is a compromise. You don't have to do that anymore, so don't. Somewhere during this period, start thinking back on the relationship that just ended, and take an inventory. What worked? What didn't? What part did you play in how it didn't work? Every breakup, even one that happens to you, is an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself. Not blame yourself, but to learn what to be aware of in yourself and others for the future.
Now we come to moving on. I hate to bust on my fellow ladies, but we sometimes have issues with "immediate boyfriend replacement." It can be so much easier just to find a new person to experience romance with rather than taking the time to get comfortable with being single again.
Volunteer at an animal shelter or a hospital to get a sense of the world that's going on outside of your own drama, and try dating yourself for a while. Do all the stuff that new couples do -- ask yourself deep questions, pamper yourself, get to know your own likes and dislikes. The more time you spend getting comfortable doing things alone, and on your terms, the more badass you will be for the next guy who comes along. So to answer your question, yup, being intimate with a new person is a part of getting over an ex. It's just not the only part.
What do you think? Have you ever hooked up with someone to get over an ex? How do you get over people? We want to hear from you!
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Saturday 06 February
By shelly
Time is the only thing that will heal a broken heart. It is good to take a period of time to get him or her out of your system.. I am between boyfriends right now. My ex was perfect or so I thought! We were together 3 years He did not live that close to me so we were together every weekend. However when he was not with me, he was with another!.. We always blame ourselves! We were not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough etc! The real deal is ... It is them! Some people are unable to commit.. Simple as that! Better to be alone then with a person that lies and cheats on you! I miss love a lot! However it will be back another day.. With the right person!
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Saturday 06 February
By christina
my man just broke up with me ,telling me hehad been cheating on me for 3 months and now she is pregant with his baby! this is while i have been battleing cancer with radiation every day after getting chemo and surgery.he runs a busines and was telling me alot of sat nights he was to tired to see me jhad to do laundry haha not that i believed him but i wanted to sooo bad. now he says he is going to mary this girl, i am so hurt i dont know how i will ever get over this and be able to trust again.i had been seeing hin over 1 year/ any suggustions>
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Saturday 06 February
By oneyearmonk.typepad.com
This is totally "advice for hot people." There are a lot of folks out there who have a really hard time finding someone to make out with at the bar. God, this might work for 5% of the human population.
At the heart of it: quit cold turkey, distract yourself (maybe by making out, maybe by working out, playing sports, your job) and steel yourself not to fall so deep next time.
What good is love?
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Monday 08 February
By Lindsey
I also agree with the Cold Turkey Method. I delete all emails and pictures, trash notes, cards or gifts I can live without, throw meaningful jewelry in a river, etc. I also usually delete his friends from my Facebook page... though I would NOT recommend that. I ended up getting back together with someone and now I'm the one having to send out apologies to people I deleted. It's annoying and humiliating!
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Friday 12 February
By Melissa
I agree that time heals wounds, but I have to say I have been in three serious relationships and it took me a good 4 years to get over my first ex, he was my first true love and he didn't cheat on me or anything, but we could not make it due to his extreme control of me, his jealousy and mistrust. We were together three years and most of the time it was good, Unfortunately love is not enough to keep people together. My second relationship was a rebound from my first and he was the "perfect man" for me, loyal, honest, caring, sweet, inspirational, and great looking. Because of my lack of trust in relationships from being burned by my first, I pushed him away and he was always so patient and good with me until his pride would not allow him to come back. I have missed him so much since we broke up and have not been able to find a man like him since then. The last guy I was with and broke up with back in October he was a bad apple from the beginning, yeah so he had money and a stable job, and was a family man but he also was a liar, cheater, and abusive with his words, I kept telling myself....Melissa this is your karma, you pushed Wil away and now look what you have to deal with.....I had never had a man be so incredibly sweet one minute and so vial, and mean the next. I kept hoping he would change......but in all the time we spent together he hadn't so I let him go....BUT he hasn't let me go. Its really humorous how someone wants you to forgive them and go back to them when they screw up but if it was you they would say....screw you I can do better. I keep hoping one day I will find my "perfect man" again. I am afraid though that I already had my once in a lifetime and I let him slip away.
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Friday 12 February
By BeenThereToo
I was with the same man eight bumpy years before I decided nothing was going to change. He cheated on his first wife, so I was foolish to think he wouldn't do it to me. He did...and the relationship was never the same after that. He was even cheating on me while tryng to get back with me after breakups! Even calling me on his way home from dates with other women, thinking I didn't know. What a guy. The moral of the story....don't believe for a second that he will treat you any differently than he did his last gf/wife. There are always two sides to a breakup, findout his ex's side and learn from that. Good luck.
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Saturday 13 February
By Ms. X
Get over the heartbreak with great graphics from dirtybandits.com
the X-Boyfriend series...
bitter thoughts made beautiful...
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Sunday 14 February
By myopinion
Hooking up is never the answer. I think it creates more emotional conflict. The best thing to do is step back, allow yourself some time to grieve, get angry, accept the situation and then move on. .... Until you have given yourself time to return to a healthy emotional state, your feelings are too raw and sensitive. You can't be fully into another person or relationship because you haven't dealt with old baggage.... It's also best to sever all contact with your ex at least until you are okay with the relationship ending. No phone calls, no texting, no emails... Get rid of anything that is an emotional tie or trigger to the past. If you cant bring yourself to throw it away, put it in a box and store it at a friends house. .... Then get to work on feeling good about "you". Positive energy attracts positive energy and that is a great starting point for your next relationship.
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Thursday 25 February
By Erica Galloway
so ive been reading everybodys comments and trying to figure out how to handle a break up im only 16 and i meet a guy when i moved in with my dad. i moved in with me dad bc my mom was verably and mentaly abusive and i couldnt take it anymore so i ran away and was gone for 5 days after running away i went back to my moms and she was out with her boyfriend when i got home and when she got home i fliped on her and she told me to go live with my dad thank god so i moved in with my dad and messed around with guys and got hurt like an idiot then meat this tyler kid who in the begging dumped me then went out with this other girl not even 24 hours later and after he couldnt take her anymore he started talking to me agin like an idiot i fell for it so we talked and started dateing we dated for 8 monethes and went throught ALOT with my family bc i still have family promblems even with my dad my dad came and went in and out of my life when i was little and tyler has been there for mewhen i fight with tham and when they treat me like carp so a while later me and tyler started haveing issues we broke up and deside to be friends it wasnt that bad of a break up at first bc i expect it he broke up w me 7 times in our relashionship and i still went back to him well were broken up now and im trying my hardest to fix things idk why but i am i no im only 16 but i dont no wat to do he can be so mean to me he calls me a bitch all the time he gets mad at me for other guys when were broken up i wanted to stay his friend and even try to work things out but he keeps playing with me first he tells me he love me and the next min he doesnt want to be my friens anymore and i dont no what to do i just need help someone to talk to someone to give me advise my parents just say get over him but im starting to pop pills to the point were im almost over doesing i dont want to go on with out him but i dont want to act like this or think like this i have such a bad past my mom has always cheated and ive been around it she was married with like 3 other boyfriend she has 5 kids by 3 different guys i dont want to be like her one min i can be strong the next i break down i dont no wat to do anymore
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Monday 19 April
By K
today I want to fall out of love with a guy I've been seeing for almost 2 years .He couldn't go cold turkey getting over His X wife because they have kids . She left Him but has not found anyone else so she calls him all the time about the kids about news on tv, or shows that they watched together when they were together basically anytime that she's board or lonely.They talk about how they love each other but just can't live together..........It makes Him an emotional mess............. it makes Me an emotional Mess. I wish sometimes that they would try to live together again so that then I could just get mad and then get over Him
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Friday 30 April
By Danica
I actually found the best way to get over someone completely was separation.. You can't always have it work this way, but when I was a sophomore in high school, I was completely nuts about a friend I'd made my freshman year, when he'd been a senior. It wasn't date-the-guy-who'll-get-you-to-prom type of thing; I thought all the guys my age were ridiculously childish. I chased him for his entire gap year and even a bit when he went to college several hours away in the fall. But after a few months? You don't im or facebook message each other so much anymore. You aren't hanging out with the same groups of people, you don't have the same schedules, so you gradually stop talking. And it really works well..
It's not necessarily a good system for if you live in the same city or campus - but I'd say that giving yourself a bit of alone time is a good tactic. Everyone says "we can still be friends", and it never seems to work out, right? If your breakup was simply because someone moved on (not involving messy details and other people), and if you're both mature, intelligent people, you CAN be friends afterward.. But only after you allow yourself enough time to learn to live completely without them first. "We can still be friends" is perfectly valid, just raincheck the friendship for a couple weeks or months so you can get used to what your new single life is going to be like.
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Saturday 07 August
By trixie
i just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. i found out he was seeing anoher woman. i rode by the woman's house and he was there so i banged on the door & he didn't come out. i got angry, picked up a statue threw it and crashed his back windshield. then he came running out of the house.
i know this was not the right thing to do but i just lost it. now, i'm trying to get on with my life but i find myself still riding by his house at nite & i still ride by her house to see if he's there. i need help. don't know how to stop taking those late nite drives. it's making me nuts....
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Tuesday 04 January
By mgardener
I am JUST barely getting over a 4 month "relationship" that hit me like a ton of bricks. It was doomed from the beginning but I pursued it - dumb! Never again will I chase a boy!
So I went rock-bottom, but I learned so much about myself. Feelings from a previous 5 year relationship came back, yes, I became a hot mess, a basket case. I tried the hook-up, felt so dirty, and tried being comfortable being single. Yes, it's possible, just need to open your mind, enjoy yourself alone, work on yourself, and yup- you'll be better for the next person.
I agree with cutting off all contact, it's saner and you won't look like the psycho. I also deleted him and his friends from Facebook, don't care what they think of me, I simply felt hostage in my little online world full of my friends. I decided to value those people who value me, and guess what, it didn't include them, never did.
I am now restructuring my life for the better, I can see clearly (bit more at least), it was a huge withdrawl from the "ex" but worth it. I felt like he was a drug. I believe cutting contact and letting time do it's work was the best for me-good luck!
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Tuesday 08 March
By Kellie
I have a good question for you. How do you get over a relationship that ended almost nine years ago if you still haven't gotten over it? Don't get me wrong... I have tried to date other guys, was in a relationship with someone else for 3 years and I still can't forget the one that ended 9 years ago. I go through periods that I think it will be okay that someday I will find someone that will make me as happy as the one I had along time ago (or maybe even happier), but it hasn't happened yet. I even have times were I don't think about him much, maybe even for a whole month at a time. Then he will just pop into my head and I will then be miserable for days. I have also had a lot of happiness since him, but he is always a lingering thought. I know I caused a lot of this pain to myself. When I met him he was married but, I didn't stay away from him and he didn't stay away from me. So, maybe I deserve this? To have met my soul mate like this and never be able to be with him. I can tell you I do believe is it true that there is one person out there who is the "one", but it doesn't mean you will end up with that person.
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