
Read on for our guy vs. girl advice!
His blanket advice, however, is to soothe the burn of love gone wrong with the ointment that is making out with strangers. He recommends "wild, public, drunken kissing," and I wholeheartedly agree with him. There is nothing better than celebrating brand new singlehood in the back of the bar around 2 a.m. -- but DeVore and I agree, keep it at the bar.
However (and isn't there always a "however"?), I've seen plenty of friends use "getting over someone" as their excuse to slut it up for two full years or never be able to be in a relationship with someone else. A few weeks ago, a friend told me, "Well, you know it's hard for me to date, I really got my heart broken when I was high school." This person was 30. So how do you actually get over someone? I divide it into three steps: wallow, learn and move on.
Wallowing happens right after the breakup. You're in mourning, so give yourself a grieving period. This can be a time of two days to two weeks to really wallow in your emotions, like a pig in mud. Circle the end date on your calendar. Force yourself to mourn that entire time -- soak it all in, write bad poetry, cry, Facebook-stalk your ex, eat cookie dough. This is your glorious time to be a hot mess, so use it.
I like DeVore's idea of having a Viking Funeral for an ex by burning their things and very tangibly ridding yourself of a person. Pay your respects and acknowledge that things have changed. When the deadline of your wallowing period ends, be grateful for it, and for the husked-out feeling you have now. The next step is learning, both about yourself and about the relationship that just ended. This is where the making out comes in. (Just so we're on the same page, we've decided that hooking up means having sex, and making out is not having sex.) Don't move to Whore Island permanently, but for a few weeks, kiss everyone, get something pierced, take jewelry-making classes, go see the types of movies your ex hated, go to the zoo, etc.
Part of what's lame about being in relationships is how everything is a compromise. You don't have to do that anymore, so don't. Somewhere during this period, start thinking back on the relationship that just ended, and take an inventory. What worked? What didn't? What part did you play in how it didn't work? Every breakup, even one that happens to you, is an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself. Not blame yourself, but to learn what to be aware of in yourself and others for the future.
Now we come to moving on. I hate to bust on my fellow ladies, but we sometimes have issues with "immediate boyfriend replacement." It can be so much easier just to find a new person to experience romance with rather than taking the time to get comfortable with being single again.
Volunteer at an animal shelter or a hospital to get a sense of the world that's going on outside of your own drama, and try dating yourself for a while. Do all the stuff that new couples do -- ask yourself deep questions, pamper yourself, get to know your own likes and dislikes. The more time you spend getting comfortable doing things alone, and on your terms, the more badass you will be for the next guy who comes along. So to answer your question, yup, being intimate with a new person is a part of getting over an ex. It's just not the only part.
What do you think? Have you ever hooked up with someone to get over an ex? How do you get over people? We want to hear from you!
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Tuesday 02 February
By DrCastellanos
If you break up with someone that you have been with for awhile (at least several months), your body goes through an actual withdrawal phase. This is accompanied by a change in neurotransmitters in your brain and feels horrible.
The best way to get over this is to stop your ex cold turkey - don't look at pictures (even facebook), don't listen to voicemail messages, don't keep around articles that have their scent or cologne. That will just set you back into painful territory. It takes about a good 6-8 weeks for your brain to get adjusted. In the meantime, increase your natural endorphins by doing aerobic exercise at least 20 minutes a day. This also helps keep the integrity of your sleep and appetite. Once those 6-8 weeks have passed, you will actually think more clearly and make better decisions for yourself. (I didn't say it would be easy.)
http://ReclaimYourSexuality.blogspot.com
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Thursday 04 February
By Nicole
Rebound hook ups aren't helpful for anyone. After the deed is done you just feel worse about yourself. Break ups suck but you will eventually get over it. Spend time with your friends or family, that will make you feel better than hooking up with some random person you barely know. Just because someone isn't in your life anymore doesn't mean that you deserve to be unhappy.
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Wednesday 03 February
By FEISTYGRL328
i have to say that i think its the "type" of ex u are getting over not saying ANY break up is good it hurts it sucks, but u do slowly in time grow diffrent feelings a catogories for him like that ex u just hate and regret, the ex who wasnt really a "boyfriend" just friend type of relationship, the ones u couldn't careless about now. and the WORST getting over your ex first love ! and those i hate to say u never really get over 100% however u do move on ....in time but b/c someone remains in your heart and mind u cant help that and cant be blamed or controlled...what do u think?
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Wednesday 03 February
By haley
breaking up is a hard entity for anyone to overcome, there are so many emotions,so much history, good and bad times, positives and negatives, what really heals does any one individual know? what one needs males or females is absolute closure. time is absolutely needed for grieving, when all is said and done go out have fun you will know when mr. or mrs. right is for you. your heart leads the way....
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Wednesday 03 February
By samantha
Each and everyone deals with a break-up in their own way. Does anyone really know the answear for overcoming the pain? What he or she needs is complete closure. Your heart will tell you he or she is mr. or mrs. right. Time is an important role in the healing process. Everyone grieves in their own way. Everyone is different, there are so many variables to overcome. The pain will go away when the timing is right. there is someone for everyone! Age is important that we all realize too young too old the right age only you will know. i am confident that all break- ups we learn valuable lessons we move on we grow from it, your man your woman you will will find mr or mrs. perfect!
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Monday 28 June
By Ron
My problem is not getting over an EX. It is getting over a woman, my soul mate, my love of my life, my best friend who passed away in 2008 at age 53. It will be our anniversary on Friday, the 5th. That is our 33rd. Everyone says: "It will get better with time". Well it is worse now than that morning I had to sit and wait and watch her die in the hospital. I am still numb and I know I will NEVER get over the loss. I need someone so bad to touch, to hold and who would touch and hold me back. I need someone who would gaze into my eyes with loving affection who really means the feelings from that gaze. I need someone who wants me and loves me and who adores me and who needs me to do the same to her. I need that woman who would tell me I am her "precious treasure" and that our whole lives together, she loved only me.
That woman is in Heaven and is waiting for me at the south gate as she told me in our last anniversary card before her passing.
Is there someone out there who would be this way? Does God give you two soul mates in life? I don't know but I don't feel like lookiing at this point in my life. Jesus has my heart that has a missing part. The Holy Spirit lives in my life and directs me.
Please, dear Lord, take away some of the pain.Thank you God for Debbie for the 31 years. Amen! "Happy Anniversary", my love, on Friday.
Ron
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Wednesday 03 February
By r smith
You write from the heart and YES I do believe that G...does give us, sometimes more than one soul mate. We all know what the ultimte destiny is in life, so, we are entitled to all have more than one chance ,if life takes an unexpected turn for us in the wrong direction.You sound like someone so special and sensitive that I cannot believe any woman would be blessed to have you in her life. I am always matchmaking and I have made so many matches that people have actually gotten married. That is a rewarding feeling since my entire purpose in life is to give back and bring happiness into this somewhat troubled world that we live in... I would like to speak to you...
Friday 05 February
By Kim
Debbie loves you and I am certain she wants you to find another soul mate. People who truly love you want to see you happy, and if I was Debbie I would be upset if you found someone while we were together but thrilled to tears if I had passed away and left you behind.
We fall in love by chance
We stay in love through work
We fall out of love by choice
Friday 05 February
By sheila
Dear Ron, I was interested in the comments of "How to get over a Ex" and I ran across your touching response and I felt horrible for wasting energy and tears over a guy who treated me poorly and didn't have a idea of what love is really about. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so beautiful to have experienced a love that you and your wife shared. Most of us spend a lifetime trying to find what God blessed you with. Also, you questioned if God has more than one soulmate for us. I would like to share this story with you my uncle had a loving and healthy marriage for 36 years when he loss my aunt to cancer. We were all worried about him, when three years later he met Ms.Francis and gradually he begin to smile and enjoy life once again. I have no idea if this is God's plans for you but, I hope this offers some hope. Sheila
Saturday 06 February
By PAT
God Bless you
Tuesday 09 February
By JJoco
Ron,
If you believe in life after death, you'll be together, in spirit, FOREVER.
But maybe God has a different plan for you. Could He possibly be letting you know to pass that LOVE on to another that needs to be loved, just like you needed her?
Now that you have had a beautiful experience with "TRUE LOVE" it must be shared. You will know when your ready, all the doors will open for you, just keep your faith and know you not alone.
: ) : ) : )
Sunday 05 September
By vicki
I am so glad to hear how much you loved this woman. I would love to meet a man who knows how to love this much.
I think there are more than one soul mates. I think their are twin souls, soul pods and many possibilities of qualities that can match up.
Vicki
Wednesday 03 February
By Tyler
It feels good reading this. For me personally my ex ended a 4 year relationship that I tried to save. I think I did everything I could, paid more attention to her and all she could do is call me baby and play off ou 4 years then change her mind. That was after I would take her out and buy her things. Her mind seemed offbalance so all i know is i cried got over it now im starting all over. Thanks for the article.
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Friday 05 February
By Alicia Thompson
love to f@#K
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Friday 05 February
By kim
I fell in love but after two years of him mentioning and wanting marriage and me moving cross country for him I decided TOO LONG, so I left and moved back to my mansion. I have only had 3 relationships 16years, 2yrs, 2 yrs, so i decided to change my sex is bad unless married idea and slept with the hottest surfer I knew, WOW am I over my ex, and the hot surfer well, we love hanging out, i had no idea what I was missing...If they do not appreciate you, find someone who does, many men out there, I will only take my match and nothing less:) PS-after a dead for 4minute episode and being paralyzed for a year it is easier for me to move on-Life could end tomorrow
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Friday 05 February
By Meliss
I wake up every morning with the thought that I will be okay.After marrying a guy that I was crazy about,for the 1st time at 52.Believe me I had my share of boyfriends and break ups,but this one was the hardest,most hurtful and most unbelieveable,
Yes it will take time,but I wish it would come now!!!! Yes,It has given me the opportunity to see myself in a different light and see that I was in a bad,bad relationship that would not improved with time.I loved reading everyone's imput,and I made me feel that I wasn't alone with this anchor of heartache.
At least....it can be a do-over right?????
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Saturday 06 February
By Paty Cakes
I came home from a bad 4 year break up and ripped apart his drawing, decapitated the stuffed animals he gave me, Deleted all the pic, and Then destroyed the expensive book he let me borrow.... Was that too much? Am I crazy?
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Saturday 06 February
By NoNyMOU
I agree that hooking up is not the greatest idea.
However, I would like to zero in on the "be single, be alone" bit. I had a large amount of time between actual boyfriends: 6 years. A bit much, eh? But, I got so used to being alone, that now that I am in a new relationship, its like starting over as a young'in. I'm like, set in my routine, and he is "messing it up"!! So, yes, its good to be empowered (and lets face it, I was very focused on my school work all through college not worrying over some guy, etc), but... what happens when you start becoming the Crazy Cat Lady because youve been alone so long?
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Friday 25 June
By mel
what does someone do if the person they have been in love with has been gone since January 2010 and is still gone to this day, when they tell that person and most of his co-workers that he will only be 6 weeks. i'm helpless cause really don't where he could be, and don't know if he'll be back. i've never been happy in my life til i met him, even though i made a mistake of having a kid w/ someone else b/c i thought he wasn't coming back, and now he left again.I don't want to change anything til i see him again, i would feel scared that i won't see him again, i don't have ways of getting over him like other people do. i'm 35, and have never been with anyone else til him. iIll never see the other one again, but what do i do from now on? i don't even have anyone else just my son. i still live at my moms and have no way to go anywhere else. its just a long story no time 4. i'm realistic so ther is no way i could find anyone else esp.since all i do is go to work then i stay at the house.
Saturday 06 February
By Mariehelene
I agree with both of you that hooking up is not a really good way to get over a broken love affair. If you are mourning the loss of an intimate relationship, all a soulless hookup will do is remind you of what you have lost and how rare and priceless your real relationship was. On the other hand, allowing yourself to be stirred up may be a good thing that helps you get all your feelings out and grieve. I have a terrible time getting over people but I have learned a few things: 1)Remember to grieve for what you loved about the guy. Revisit the best times. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Much more healing than hating on the guy, although anger has to be dealt with too. 2)No phone calls, no emails, no pursuit of your ex. No matter how small, any connection with your ex will set back your progress . 3)You really have to sit down with yourself and face the fact that you are single, and get into being single. 4)I recommend weight lifting, anything that makes you feel literally strong because you have to be strong to get through the breaking up process.
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