Every week, the gentlemen over at GuySpeak
answer women's relationship questions in guy style. Then they handpick some of their favorites and send them over to us here at Lemondrop to answer (read: fix) them in girl style. We call it GuySpeak/GirlSpeak
. This week -- is hooking up the best way to get over someone?
Read on for our guy vs. girl advice!
Reformed player Jon DeVore answers this week's question
, which seems about right. Hooking up as a way of getting over someone is not something he would recommend, because "sex has a way of amplifying emotional states." Very true. DeVore expounds on the many different ways he's gotten over women, from crying to burning love letters, and insists that every breakup and every person should be handled differently.
His blanket advice, however, is to soothe the burn of love gone wrong with the ointment that is making out with strangers. He recommends "wild, public, drunken kissing," and I wholeheartedly agree with him. There is nothing better than celebrating brand new singlehood in the back of the bar around 2 a.m. -- but DeVore and I agree, keep it at the bar.
However (and isn't there always a "however"?), I've seen plenty of friends use "getting over someone" as their excuse to slut it up for two full years or never be able to be in a relationship with someone else. A few weeks ago, a friend told me, "Well, you know it's hard for me to date, I really got my heart broken when I was high school." This person was 30. So how do you actually get over someone? I divide it into three steps: wallow, learn and move on.
Wallowing happens right after the breakup. You're in mourning, so give yourself a grieving period. This can be a time of two days to two weeks to really wallow in your emotions, like a pig in mud. Circle the end date on your calendar. Force yourself to mourn that entire time -- soak it all in, write bad poetry, cry, Facebook-stalk your ex, eat cookie dough. This is your glorious time to be a hot mess, so use it.
I like DeVore's idea of having a Viking Funeral for an ex by burning their things and very tangibly ridding yourself of a person. Pay your respects and acknowledge that things have changed. When the deadline of your wallowing period ends, be grateful for it, and for the husked-out feeling you have now.
The next step is learning, both about yourself and about the relationship that just ended. This is where the making out comes in. (Just so we're on the same page, we've decided that hooking up means having sex, and making out is not having sex.) Don't move to Whore Island permanently, but for a few weeks, kiss everyone, get something pierced, take jewelry-making classes, go see the types of movies your ex hated, go to the zoo, etc.
Part of what's lame about being in relationships is how everything is a compromise. You don't have to do that anymore, so don't. Somewhere during this period, start thinking back on the relationship that just ended, and take an inventory. What worked? What didn't? What part did you play in how it didn't work? Every breakup, even one that happens to you, is an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself. Not blame
yourself, but to learn what to be aware of in yourself and others for the future.
Now we come to moving on. I hate to bust on my fellow ladies, but we sometimes have issues with "immediate boyfriend replacement." It can be so much easier just to find a new person to experience romance with rather than taking the time to get comfortable with being single again.
Volunteer at an animal shelter or a hospital to get a sense of the world that's going on outside of your own drama, and try dating yourself for a while. Do all the stuff that new couples do -- ask yourself deep questions, pamper yourself, get to know your own likes and dislikes. The more time you spend getting comfortable doing things alone, and on your terms, the more badass you will be for the next guy who comes along. So to answer your question, yup, being intimate with a new person is a part of getting over an ex. It's just not the only part.
What do you think? Have you ever hooked up with someone to get over an ex? How do you get over people? We want to hear from you!
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