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Amy Spencer is a dating expert and the author of "Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match" (Running Press). We ask her the dating questions that continue to baffle us.Lemondrop asks: What do you do if the guy you're dating stops calling?
Amy answers: Over the early course of a relationship, it's natural for five calls a day to taper off a bit. But any abrupt change -- where you suddenly can't get a hold of him or he doesn't call you back -- is cause for concern.
Every guy stops calling for different reasons. Maybe he's too busy with work or likes someone else or is packing for a long trip. But every answer leads to the same bad news: Whatever he's doing is more important than calling you.
Greg Behrendt, the co-author of "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Guide to Understanding Guys," said it best: "If he's not calling you, he's just not that into you." Guys know that if they just stop calling, it (you, the relationship) will go away.
It may be a coward's way of ending it, but it's a pretty clear sign. As much as you might not like that answer, look at it as a Get Out of a Lame Guy's Life card.
What do you do from there? Kick him to the mental curb. Pity the fool for not realizing what a catch you are. Move on, put your chin up and your smile on, and get ready for the guy who can't get enough of you.
About Amy: Amy Spencer has written for Glamour, New York, Harper's Bazaar, Page Six magazine and Match.com among other publications. She is the former host of the relationship call-in radio show "Sex Files" on Sirius satellite radio's Maxim channel, and also created and writes for The Dating Optimist.com.
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Friday 29 January
By ~S
I'm getting tired of hearing "he's just not that into you". Not saying that he isn't but we really have to realize other conclusions than he's just not that into you. Some people just have issues and are not worth dealing with. Whatever his distractions are just know you are worth it. The truth is don't take any guy seriously or wait for his phone calls. I'm tired of reading articles about him not calling. How about who cares if he calls? Don't expect him to call and just live your life and pick up whenever you are available and if he stops calling then oh well because you never put him as #1 anyway to wait for his phone call or any other reason.
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Monday 01 February
By sunnydupree
yep thats the way to do it
Sunday 31 January
By sadie
I dont know how often this sort of thing happens to most girls, but not getting called by a guy doesn't happen to me frequently (just stating the facts, not being conceited). When it does, I go nuts. And so begins the cycle of wishing and hoping, and plotting, for the day the guy realizes how stupid he was. Being rejected sucks, but what I've finally accepted is that the guy who isnt calling me (or who only calls me drunk at 1am) doesn't like me, but he will take what he can get from me. I guess my post is a little off topic, but I for one have the problem of wanting to forgive him when I do get that long awaited phone call--scratch that, it's usually a text message. I suppose my point is that "he's just not that into you" is something most of us have to accept. I think we can all say that we are "just not that into" some guys.
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Monday 01 February
By ralphgmiami
Sadie, some people just want the high of the thrill of the chase. Also some guys are just dogs as they want to get as many phone numbers as they can(if they do they may have too many women to call. If he opens his wallet and you see a photo of an attractive woman, it's not his sister as no guy has a photo of his sister in his wallet). Here is advice. If you like someone from a scale from 1 to 10, always treat them like a 7. This rule should also go for any guy trying to win a woman over. Also this guy may have had expectations of you having a certain type of personality. It's like when movie stars marry, they then divorce after 3 years because they thought they had a certain type of personality. It was all in their mind as they didn't get to know that person. Also you need to also not cut yourself off from your friends(also go out with your friends in public a lot). If you do cut yourself off from your friends, then you'll sound needy. Also take your time as you don't know what class and culture is until you're in your mid20s. I went out with and thankfully didn't stay with women who had an IQ of 70s and wanted to stay that way. I don't want to sound like a snob but they do get turned off by you reading a book, watching news, or a newspaper you'll know what I mean. Be an all around well rounded person. I hope this helps.
Sunday 31 January
By Shirin
I've been out with this guy whom I met online. We've been on 2 dates. During this time he was very responsive and was almost always sending a text msg with jokes etc. Then after the last date he just became silent. The occasional sms giving me an update on what's been going on and how he fell ill and how busy he truly is. Well, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and thought to myself, if he wasn't interested he would've even contacted me right? Anyways, a week later I decided to ask him out for a movie night to see if he was still interested. He said yes. Meanwhile, he still hasn't been very responsive via sms...replies sometimes but not always. I don't know what to make of it? Any feedback anyone?
Cheers/S
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Sunday 31 January
By sadie
It sounds like you have a pretty strong gut feeling that the way he is acting is out of the ordinary, although it could be possible that he is busy/sick/etc. Wasn't he busy when you first started dating? If you really like the guy, I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt for one more date and see how it goes. That being said, don't forget the saying "Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me." If he thinks he can ignore you and then have you whenever he feels like calling you up, you're unlikely to ever have his respect. It's always better to come out with your dignity intact.
Monday 01 February
By K
sorry to tell you, but I feel he is seeing someone else. kick him to the curb...NEXT!!!
Monday 01 February
By asmartas
you are I'm sure a very nice person , but , if he is not
being what you want a man you want to be to you from the start.
Come on hon move on . good people find good people
Monday 01 February
By Kimberly
Here is some feedback for you... forget the "forgiveness" and drop him off in the trash like a moldy loaf of bread, you are better off without him. If he was interested in you he would respond to every text, call, sms, whatever and do it with a smile on his face. Remember, you have only had two dates and if he is this clueless or casual about how he is/should be treating you then think how it will be three months down the line if you actually do date. If you don't warrant his attention now you certainly will not be number one on his list three months from now... and why should you be waiting around for his call, text, sms, etc., cancel your date with him, tell him you'll call him to reschedule (but don't) and move on (and up) in the world with a more attentive man who makes you feel great about yourself!
Monday 01 February
By michelle marie
Shirin,
I would leave him alone. He doesn't seem that interested. Sounds just like a guy I had dated... then one day I called and he never called back... worked out to my advantage because I stopped wasting my time on him. LOL Don't waste your energy on someone who isn't willing to put energy onto you. I don't care how busy he is if he really likes you he would have made the date by now. I'm sorry to be so blunt... :( But that's just my opinion... maybe im wrong.
Sunday 31 January
By Neil
The response of not calling when you're no longer interested comes directly from the female behavior of not responding to emails from a guy. As a guy, I've had many women totally ignore my emails (why'd you give it to me in the first place). So, when I lose interest, you get the same behavior back. Childish -- no, no different from the behavior females exhibit. What's good for one is good for both.
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Sunday 31 January
By Denice
Neil,
If I go out with a guy and want to get to know him more after the first date, he will get my email AND I will reply to his. And if there is a reason why I cant communicate as much as usual, like work or something coming up at home - I will, out of courtesy, drop my guy a short email explaining why - I dont like not knowing, so why should he be any different..Maybe I am unique and consider communication a large part of any relationship, be it friendship or more.
Monday 08 February
By jason
Amen to that. I think it's funny that you don't really hear guys complaining too much about the no response treatment......ha. Maybe, sometimes, it's a lack of interest. And maybe, some guys' lives were busy before we met a girl, and we had important things going on, and just because a guy doesn't respond right away, or dote on every single text message, might just mean that hey, it's not all about YOU, we STILL, have a life of our own, and we don't need to be harrassed thirty times a day with mostly meaningless texts. This sense of entitlement is annoying. Maybe I'm just a self centered asshole, but hey, personally, I'm a busy guy. I've had some crazy relationships. They come and go. Only a few really mattered, and none were EVER, worth worrying about the response time on a friggin text or missed call. Kinda makes me miss the days without cell phones, ha. Shrug.
Monday 01 February
By S
Pity you haven't had the best of luck in the past with regards to responsiveness from women. Personally, can't say that would apply to me though. Am a strong believer in communication and this applies not only to personal life. It is interesting what you said. I guess its a vicious cycle of sorts. Hope ya meet someone who changes your view.
Monday 01 February
By S
Hey Neil. Pity you haven't had the best of luck in the past with regards to
responsiveness from women. Personally, can't say that would apply to
me though. Am a strong believer in communication and this applies not
only to personal life. It is interesting what you said. I guess its a
vicious cycle of sorts. Hope ya meet someone who changes your view.
Monday 01 February
By marc
Dear ~S:
I find your somments shallow and self serving. Maybe your attitude is the reason he quit calling you. People looking for a relationship want to feel wanted and connected. It's a two way street, sometimes we call and never get return calls ....... Such is life.
Oh well, to each his own.
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Sunday 31 January
By fgr732
Sometimes the girl gets too pushy too fast and pulling back on calls is a way of pacing a relationship--why didn't she mention that---I'l tell you why---because it's ALWAYS the guys fault in the eyes of these women.
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Monday 01 February
By brandonmil3
Well the man has to plan and pay for everything many times. He is responsible for "pursuing" the relationship. THEN if it don't work out HE usually gets the blame, SO he has to be sure if he is going to get in that deep...I got dumped and hurt because on the 10th date I said to her "Maybe sometime you'll let me stay overnight?"..that was like 45 minutes after she french kissed me. I'm really about done even trying to date cause I don't want hurt any more.
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Monday 01 February
By Bob
Geesh! For cryin out loud.....r u serious? Listen....dudes don't call chicks they're not into ...AND ( call me Mr. obvious) chicks don't call dudes they're not into either. There is a difference however, and that difference is men don't go on and on and on about it, writing books about the syndrome, and feature articles giving advice about the matter....get over urself..ur not the center of the universe.
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Monday 01 February
By purplighthouse48
I had been with this guy for 11 months and I always drove to his house which was 2 hrs one way and I had fallen in love with him. I spent alot of time at his house wks at a time. We were exchanging wkends then he quit coming to my house and I was doing all the traveling. Which I don't think was fair. Well anyway I had offered to move down that way so we could be closer together and he suggested that wasn't a good idea. And he never told me he loved me . When I asked him one time he told me no that was when it was about 8 months so I thought well maybe it was to early in the relationship. So I left it go and it has been 11 months and still nothing. I quit going down and only talk to him in the evening before bed. What should I do?
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