Sex in public! Have you tried to have it? It's kind of my favorite thing to do, and when I date a guy who likes to have sex in public (and can
-- you gotta be tough, fellas), I feel like I've hit the jackpot. The ass jackpot. And you will too.
Hi, I'm Julieanne, public-sex haver and Lemondrop's resident skank.
Please bear in mind that some of this is illegal, so neither I -- nor this site, nor anybody associated with it/me -- bear any responsibility if you should choose to try anything out. (Although I guess my mom probably feels pretty responsible for having me.)
Here's what you need to get started.
-- a fundamental lack of decency and shame
-- bail money
-- loose hamstrings
-- an adventurous, short-to-average-size partner. (Really tall guys are hot, good for reaching food on the top shelf, but not great for stuffing into small spaces and screwing. Congrats, little dudes -- public sex is your time to shine.)
So without further ado, here's where -- and how -- you should do it.
For the uninitiated, this is a great place to start. It's so easy, even a 17-year-old could do it! I know, from personal experience. (I was 18! Please don't take me to jail.) This usually happens pretty spontaneously, but if you can, try to pick a bar you know has locking, unisex bathrooms, preferably ones at the end of a hallway or down a basement and not in view of the whole bar. It's best to use one with some kind of a counter -- putting one foot on a toilet or those rails used to hoist up handicapped people are kind of boner-killers. And watch out for free-standing dive-bar sinks! You do not want to have your skirt around your ribcage when that sucker pops off the wall and starts spraying everywhere.Applebee's.
Why have sex in an Applebee's? A lot of them have "family bathrooms" where you can lock the door and work off those southwestern eggrolls. Plus, then when your friends are like, "Hey, what'd you do this weekend?" You can go, "Oh, you know, sat around the house, watched 'Empire Records,' had sex AT APPLEBEE'S." Important: Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to leverage yourself on one of those Koala Care changing tables. The horror, the horror ...
The Movies. I love this one. Seriously. You and your guy will make Alanis Morissette jokes and then you'll both get all scared and then you'll deliriously suck the Sourpatch Kids out of each other's teeth while you have dirty, nervous public sex. I like to choose a movie theater with one of those upper balconies, because sometimes people don't know about them. (Sorry, projectionist at the Regal Cinemas Union Square!) For best results, see a movie on a workday afternoon and wait until 20 or so minutes into the film so you won't have any late walk-ins. The trick is to pick a movie that will be a) mostly empty and b) not violent or otherwise unsexy. Here's a good rule of thumb: Is Steve Zahn in a leading role? You're good to go.
A Road Trip. One of the most romantic things a dude ever said to me was in the middle of a cross-country drive in my old, aptly named Explorer. I think we were in Oklahoma, and it was around sunset. We passed a used-car dealership and the dude turned to me and said, "Let's pull in and pretend we're for sale." It was awesome. Anyhow -- having sex in your car isn't much of a challenge, unless say, you're at a Sonic. The key is to do it someplace exciting, which brings me to ...
A Notable Monument or Landmark. Dudes, this is why people get so psyched about staying in the Lincoln Bedroom. You should definitely do it someplace significant, like a famous building (the Empire State Building has bathrooms on both observation decks) or someplace with grounds, like Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's house. Just be respectful. People died at Gettysburg to protect the union, guys.
A Friend's Place. Not technically public and not terribly exotic, but SO GOOD! Seriously, even though you're just in a house or somebody's apartment, it really feels like you're getting away with murder. Obviously, this is easiest to do at a crowded rager, but it's the most fun to do at a small gathering or dinner party. The bathroom is an obvious spot, sure, but it's really even better if you can do it someplace verboten, like the pantry. Then, months later, when your friend is like, "You really hurt my feelings when you made fun of me for liking 'Notting Hill,'" you can be like, "I had sex on all your jars." See? Friendship over, problem solved.
An Airplane. If you've seen "Up in the Air," you know that airplane sex is nigh-on impossible. I haven't actually done it myself, but I've been told a couple of tricks. (The one time I was on a plane with a dude adventurous enough to give this a whirl, I was stymied by the fact that he was about 6-foot-4. See: "Tall Guys, Problems With.") You can either choose a night flight, wait for the cabin lights to dim, and go with some good old-fashioned Third Base under the blankets, or you can do what I like to call the Ted Bundy trick. One of you fakes an injury -- like having your arm in a sling -- and fakes the need for "assistance." Just try not to look horny on your way.
An Amusement Park. Not just for obsessive boyfriends in 1990s movies, getting fingerblasted on a roller coaster is awwwwwwesome. Any orgasm where you can get a funnel cake after is the very best kind. It's hard to have sex sex on a roller coaster, what with the straps and restraints (although straps and restraints never stopped Bea Arthur, I hear), so you may have to settle for some handjay action unless you're in one of those Tunnels of Love, in which case, thank you for inventing time travel and, incidentally, how are the '30s? Quite possibly the best place to have sex: Disneyland. That place is full of dark corners and creaky old people movers. But watch out for security cameras / children / Figment.
Let me know if I missed any, and feel free to tell me the craziest place you've ever had sex. (Go ahead -- say "in the butt." I'll still laugh.)