The pussy pump: the sex toy you haven't triedOK, before you freak out and think I'm some kind of sex pervert (hi, Dad!), let me introduce you to the craziest sex toy I haven't used -- the Pussy Pump.

I recently the discovered the P-pump on AdultToy.com. (Where I was doing research. For a friend.) I like to think I've seen a marital aid or two in my day, but this one sort of boggles the mind.

What's a pussy pump, you ask? Well, you shameless nympho, it's a plastic cup that looks like something a fireman might use to give you oxygen, attached to an air-filled bulb. The purpose, ostensibly, is to make your downtown Detroit all engorged without having to use conventional methods, like getting turned on or having a midget punch you in the crotch (or, ideally, both).

What? Why? Even AdultToy.com, one of the retailers pushing the pump, seems a little mystified. "Why blow up your pussy?" asks the product description. Why indeed! "Some women report increased sensitivity, and men report increased tightness." The site also notes the inclusion of a "Free Demonstration DVD" to "show you how it's done, step by step." (Hey, anything's better than "Glee.")

Still mystified? I was too. So I asked Ian Kerner, sex and relationship counselor and author of "She Comes First," why pump?

"About five years ago the FDA approved a clitoral therapy device for women who suffer from inhibited arousal," Ian explained. "The whole topic in general (the medicalization of low female desire) is a controversial topic, but this therapy device was approved by the FDA and is basically a small vacuum pump that goes over the vulva and sucks air out, encouraging blood flow to the genitals. I would have to say that the idea of using a vacuum pump to encourage blood flow to the female genitals is nothing new, but sexual-science research has shown that female desire is much more complex than merely facilitating blood flow to the pelvis."

Yeahhhh, I don't know about most of you, but if I see genitals that look unnaturally inflamed, that's my cue to roll up my tarp and fake an early squash game. Anybody out there tried this thing?