The Gender Paradox In India
Rabbi Ben Greenberg: A Responsible Solution To The Jewish Divorce…
One of the best parts of having a platonic guy friend is having a go-to for the male perspective. And now I'm going to share my guy friend, Peter, with the world -- by answering your questions and then getting his take.My last boyfriend and I had amazing, mind-blowing sex all the time for two years but had the most dysfunctional relationship. We broke up, and I have met the most amazing man in the world. He has everything I want, except in the bedroom. We've had sex three times and all three were the worst experiences of my life. I'm not kidding.
He seems so nervous that it's almost uncomfortable, whereas I'm not shy in any way. I really want to give this guy a shot and make it better. How do I approach the situation without hurting his feelings or making him feel like less of a man for it? I'm really at a cross road ... Help! -- Stacey, 29
Kristen: I hate to break it to you, but sex in the beginning of a relationship does suck, most of the time at least. You lucked out if you had mind-blowing sex with your ex right off the bat. That said, don't be so hard on the guy because the reason he "seems so nervous" is probably because he is!
Peter: And at least this is a problem that can be fixed over time. If this guy really has the whole package and means that much to you, I would wait it out and bite your tongue. If you say something about his performance being subpar, not only are you going to make him feel more insecure, but he's gonna think he has some sort of expectation to live up to. And that's the worst because that's when guys start thinking about their girls' pasts -- Why am I not good enough? What kind of crazy stuff was she doing with her ex?-type thoughts.
Kristen: And that's another thing: You can't compare your new relationship with your past one because you'll never be able to move forward. Sure the sex might have been great, but the relationship sucked, so can you imagine how amazing your future sex is going to be with this new guy if he's the total package?
If you want him to feel more comfortable and open in the bedroom, try holding off on sex for a little while. Spend more time fooling around and let him initiate the next step in his own time. When he does want things to go further, it'll be because he wants it, not because he feels pressured to perform a certain way. And once that's the case, odds are he'll let his guard down.
Peter: Think positive -- this is something can be changed. It's about growing with a person, and hey, you might be able to train him into the best thing you've ever had!
Tell Us: Do you have any advice for Stacey? Have you experienced sucky sex in the beginning stages of your relationships? Did things change for the better, or did you ditch the guy for someone who turned out to rock your world?
Kristen Rollins blogs about relationships for Lemondrop and Peter Fertiguena runs Academy Printwear. Leave your questions for Kristen and Peter in the comments!
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Tuesday 02 February
By slick50
You horny hotties should get yourselves a big dildo. If the chemistry is not there, why even try to force it. Quit playing and get real. And remember, you started it!
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Tuesday 02 February
By lee
Here's my experience: I'm an attractive, healthy, educated, athletic woman in my prime (37) and have been dating a nice 44 year old man for over a year. He, like me, works out. looks good, and cares about his appearance. We both have no trouble meeting people of the opposite sex, but neither of us has ever been married (I've been close, but have spent a lot of time traveling and am only recently ready to "settle down."
We only dated a month before having sex (both of us are pretty experienced, but rather conservative - I'm more conservative in behavior [I don't drink or smoke] but "Jeff" is more conservative in politics and religion). He only lasted a minute or two before climaxing that first encounter, and I figured it was because he was nervous. He initiated it the first time, but after that it was I who initiated it, because I had been left unsatisfied and wanted so much for it to feel good for me too. Jeff was a generous, talented man, and I didn't want to give up on him. But he was not generous in bed. NO foreplay of any kinds. After a couple months of frustration I told him that I needed more - more sex, more oral sex, more genital touching, kissing, foreplay. Soon our 6 month anniversary arrived and I was STILL not having orgasms with this man. We only had sex about 1x/wk, no matter if I was at his place every night or not, and no matter how enthusiastic I was. I gave him great oral sex frequently, I dressed up, wore a wig, high heels, spoke spanish to him, bought oils, massaged him, sent him sexy texts, everything I could think of. But Jeff barely looked at me, barely touched me sexually. I asked him if it was because of his faith and he said no.
Jeff could get erections but they weren't as firm as some younger guys... and he had no trouble climaxing - usually within 3 or 4 minutes of intercourse. I stayed because he did other things - he cooked for me, held me all night, shared his life with me, was my sports buddy, and he seemed open and honest with good values.
I tried not to fake it, but I wanted to reward him when he DID TRY (like giving me 1 or 2 minutes of oral sex when I begged). I gave up masturbation so I would be extra sensitive for him. I left books and articles around for him to read about female anatomy and orgasm - no luck. I'd walk across the living room buck naked and he wouldn't even look up. I asked him what I could do - shower more, talk less, whatever. Finally I broke down in an argument and told him that he SUCKED in bed. I even had sex once with another man.... I was shocked and sad; I had never cheated on anyone, and hated myself for it. My boyfriend and I are still together a year later, but I'm STILL wanting more sexually.
I thought he might be gay, or have autism, since he didn't seem to enjoy touching or looking at me. Or Aspergers, or alexithymia, conditions I researched online. I talked to him, I asked him. We went to counseling but the counselor after 4 sessions seemed only to encourage us to break up because of our differences (sex, politics, religion). I just needed to know IT WASN'T ME. Finally I spoke with one of his ex girlfriends (he has several who are still his friends) and she told me the same things. It was such a relief to have my concerns validated! But she also told me that he was a classic NARCISSIST - unable to express empathy. I understood this, since he had lost his mother at a very early age and was raised by his father & older brother. Also, she told me that he'd gotten his last 3 girlfriends pregnant. Two had abortions, one miscarried. Around the time I heard that, I found out I was pregnant too (I had been on & off the pill, which made me bleed irregularly, and was using the "calendar"). I know exactly when it happened. I was on top, and Jeff couldn't stop himself from climaxing... but I wasn't done yet. I said, "I'm not done yet!" And I stayed on... and finally had an orgasm. I know because I had begun writing each act of sex on my calendar, and wrote it in BLOCK letters when/if it was good for me.
Jeff and I fought terribly about what to do. I felt it was a gift at my age, and thought Jeff would be a gentle and patient father. But he panicked. Only when I walked out of the abortion clinic a third time, hysterical, did he agree to help me "have" the baby... well, I ended up miscarrying too - at 10 weeks. So now I have invested over a year with this man, have been through hell, but am scared to move on. I know we ALL have baggage - especially those of us who are in our late 30's and 40's and still single for some reason. He shares many good things with me. On the plus side, he doesn't pressure me for sex when I'm tired, and I doubt he'd ever cheat on me... but I can't help but notice what's lacking. Just HOW MUCH ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COMPROMISE?
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Friday 19 February
By Nancy
Sweetie, my heart goes out to you. You sound so miserable. Please move on and go out there and find a partner, a real partner who will love you AND be your best friend. You deserve more, and you know it! What are you doing with this guy? Seriously? You are just too scared to move on. You need to stand up and move on, this guy sounds like a total loser! I am blessed with a double edge sword. My conflict, if anyone is reading.... PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.... my husband and I separated and I met and feel like I feel in love with another man who has given me the most incredible sex and I am so totally attracted to him just thinking about him drives me crazy... but he is shy, quiet, doesn't talk to much. He is totally head over heels in love with me, he wants nothing more than to just be with me, but when we are out, he will sit and wait for me, not talk to anyone, he is fine with this but I am really outgoing and fun and all of my friends say he isn't the right guy for me. When we are together just him and I, he is cute and affectionate and sweet, he clearly thinks I walk on water which is great to have a guy really into you. Here is the other problem, I can't stop thinking about my husband of 15 years, who is ALSO TOTALLY in love with me, drives by my house, buys me presents, he is sweet, cooks for me, he is really totally MY BEST FRIEND - sex with my husband is good because he is so attentivce to my needs, he kisses me and hugs me and compliments me BUT I AM NOTATTRACTED TO HIM ANYMORE SINCE I've BEEN WITH THIS NEW GUY. I told them both I can't figure out what I want, when I'm with one I'm thinking of the other. I HAVE NOT BEEN SLEEPING WITH THEM BOTH. I broke up with the new guy because I miss the companionship of my husband, who talks with me, laughs with me and has quit gambling, that was our problem, he has never helped financially, he has been helping with all of the bills though and it will be months before I take him back if I do because I need real solid proof that he is not gambling, he is getting help and has been here for me in every way BUT I AM NO LONGER ATTEACTED TO HIM, he is working out and trying to lose weight but he will never be like the guy I was dating who is tall and trim and HUGE down south, with an awesome body and my husband is shorter, chubby, smaller package. The guy I was seeing drives me crazy. They both want to be with me. I am a grown woman with two children, 21 and 14. I wish that I could keep them both, even joked about moving to UTAH. LOL CanI have 2 husbands there? Just Kidding. Please help. I am so turned off by my husband body and the way he kisses me and he is a sexual guy, he could do it every day, twice a day. If I stop talking to my guy friend and manage to stop thinking about him... will I be attacted to my husband again? Do I need to grow up? Can'[t have my cake and eat it too, right? ANy advice?
Friday 19 March
By Spicegirl
Nancy, you need to forget about the "new/other" guy, for awhile. The attraction is probably from the newness of that new relationship. You probably felt the same way with your husband, in the beginning too. Focus on your husband, give it a second chance. I'm from a divorce family and it's affected my abilities in my long-term relationships. So, at least try, for your kids sake. And if your husband loves you as much as you say he does, and he can stay away from the Gambling, you have "everything" with him. How many people can say that their husband loves them, they're best friends and sex is great!?! I believe, once you stop thinking about the other guy, your chances of seeing and feeling attraction in your husband will return! It may even be better! Good Luck!
Stacy, I too had amazing sex with my ex (and other past boyfriends) and the sex was good from the beginning. However, my first time with my, now husband, was very disappointing! But, now sex is amazing with him! He doesn't have a huge sex drive, but when I get it, it's worth it. I wouldn't trade sex with my husband for anything else.
Thursday 04 February
By tommy
Sounds like you have more experience with good sex than he has. You are going to have to take control and be the director for a while until he catches on. You MUST communicate what you like and what you dont. Do this at dinner, not in the bedroom. The biggest problem you may encounter is a difference of libido. If your libido is much higher than his, this can and will be a problem.
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Friday 12 February
By yabbi
My first husband was nervous in bed. Later he explained he was gay and his parents had put him up to marrying me. It's not normal for a man to be uncomfortable in bed unless he doesnt want to be there.
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Friday 12 February
By Hugh
Ya don't suppose the reason your new "really great guy" is having problems is because you probably let him know what "mind blowing sex" you had with the last guy, do ya?? huh?? huh?? Gee.... NO PRESSURE!!!
See... the problem with women like you who confuse "mind blowing sex" with LOVE is... you always confuse "mind blowing sex" with love. You have the "mind blowing sex" FIRST.... and then don't cultivate love....thus having your toxic relationship... INSTEAD of letting LOVE cultivate first which then can PROGRESS to the "mind blowing sex" through TIME....
Your major problem is... despite what those great male friends of yours say is... You've actually become a MAN in your thoughts and physical nature.
A REAL man actually cares what you THINK.... which is why your current man is having problems....
It wouldn't surprise me if the "mind blowing sex" guy never cared what you thought outside of the mind blowing sex...
FUNNY HOW YOU'VE BECOME JUST LIKE YOUR EX!!
Let the new guy go so he can actually find a better woman who cares more about him than the mind blowing sex...
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Friday 12 February
By melissa
I, for one, know how it is to go from a two year dysfunctional relationship of mind blowing sex, to a relationship that has lasted seven years and going...but, sex is not the greatest. But, I have come to the conclusion, that sex with anyone else is going to be mediocre. compared to my previous. We had the type of chemistry, that most do not experience. It was much like a drug. But, due to the fact that I had children with the dysfunctional one, I knew that raising children...I needed to be with a solid person.
I do not think you completely get over craving mind blowing sex, after you have had it. But, at the end of the day, I had to have somebody honest, hard working, and stable. The sex after seven years has improved, it has required a lot of coaching and patience. I have placed value on what I get on the trade off. Somebody that is really there for my children and me. Somebody that really cares and loves me. I have found the person that I will grow old with. Sex, is wonderful...but it is far from everything. I have actually grown as a person, I believe. I have been able to move away from the superficial. I am thankful for that, as well.
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Friday 12 February
By Louise
My guy of 7yrs was a very passionate, tactile, slowhand kind of lover and did wonderful things with his hands and mouth, and was a great guy overall, however, the guy was not well indowed and it usually took alot of effort to get him hard enough to have intercourse. He had a big belly and 99% of the time I was on bottom....while he put little to no effort into it. When he was performing oral sex he had to lay on his side due to his gut, which he also had to due while kissing my breasts. OUr sexual positions were so limited it was depressing. I stayed with him bc he took care of my heart, but then he cheated and it made the breakup bearable. Lesson here is to realize it usually doesn't get better from the start, it just gets more frustrating and eventually it will become a big issue. It doesn't feel good to have to work so hard all the time for so little.
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Sunday 21 February
By jane
many macho guys are good in bed for a few years if you can withstand the abuse. woman are conquests and they usually have had many. many nice guys have not had many woman, respect them more so they are have performance anxiety. one rule that I feel woman should follow is not to sleep with someone right way, let the passion grow. Another is helping you partner learn Taoist sexuality.. this is bar none the way to mind blowing sex for the rest of your life. if more people understood what sex acually is, the whole paradigm of sex would change, and woman would not get caught in mind-blowing sexual relations that turn more often than not into abusive relationships.
the book I read on this is The Multi-Orgasmic Couple by Mantak Chia
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Tuesday 23 February
By Johnny Bravo
Let me clarify the essence of what you are saying.
Should I be with a guy who is controlling, self centered, and insensitive, but offers good sexual pleasure, or should I be with a guy who is sensitive, caring, and stable but who has so far been incompetent in bed?
By asking this question you demonstrate where your values lie. You value sexual pleasure above loving companionship. Thus, you should either go back to your ex or hire a jiggalo to fulfill your sexual needs.
If you do value caring companionship and are just somehow bad at framing advice questions, you both need to take a sexual education class together. It will show you exactly what you need to work on and will help him talk to you about what he desires and how you can work together to make sex enjoyable. Sex is entirely more psychological than most people believe it is, thus education will do miracles.
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Tuesday 23 February
By Marnise
Just got divorced after 30 years with a man that was great in bed but constantly verbally and mentally abused me. The divorce was not my idea. He had a girlfriend. I went through a phase where I went wild but now am with a guy who loves and respects me but has health issues that prevents him from having intercourse although he is more than willing to do anything else. I want to spend my life with this man but am concerned that I will not be satisfied down the road. I am scared and confused about what to do. I don't want to lose this "good man" because I am not satisfied. We are talking marriage and moving pretty fast. I need to make a decision on what is more important soon before it goes too far and I end up hurting this man. We are both in our 50s and he has never been married. I am wondering why but he says he never met the right woman until now. Looking at all of these responses, I'm afraid maybe women were scared off by the non-sex.
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Wednesday 24 February
By Tony Loscalzo
It's not the sex; it's something else. Maybe he thinks you are the type gal who might go on the Internet and tell strangers that he's a dud in bed.
You need to keep looking. He may have some unresolved issues with you.
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Monday 29 March
By lullabelle
I think we have all been there at one point in our lives. Relationship not so great and the sex mind blowing or the relationship great and the sex boring. But, I have to say when you find the right man, it will all come together for the two of you as you get more comfortable in your skin with each other. I was just fortunate that my husband and I have always had a terrific relationship (with the usual ups and down or course) and mind blowing sex, but the actual best sex has been since 35 I would say. We have both been pretty comfortable with our own bodies and sexual desires but after kids and the tubes being tied, it is mind blowing EVERY time. We are older and wiser and actually take the time to make each other happy in bed and that makes it so much more wonderful. Just wait, if he is the one, it will all be worth it in the long run. Good Luck and stay focused on the bigger long term picture of it all.
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Friday 19 March
By Rick
Bad sex, great guy, the answer is simple, dump him and get yourself an asshole that treats you like crap, but has a huge dong and satifies you. Are you retarded? Did it ever occur to you that you could talk to him and improve the sex. There are also toys that could help. I dont know if you ladies know it or not, but there are far and few between GOOD men out there. This coming from a man! I got a feeling you are one of these girls that like the BAD guy, and just need a reason to get rid of a good man because you cant handle being treated decent. I am one of the good ones, and I am great at sex, why, because I care! I care that the woman climaxes and not just myself. But you know what, I am single and have been for 6 years now. Because women find us good guys boring! I thought I had found the right one,but she left me for another man. The reason was because I cannot produce children, and she wanted kids bad. So did I, we talked about artificial insemination, adopting etc... Was not good enough for her though, she found someone who had good sperm, she is now married to him and they have 3 kids. I am very happy for her cause she deserves to be a Mom, I just wish it would have been with me. I have been single ever since. The saying is so true, nice guys finish last! So dump the man I am sure he is used to coming in 2nd!
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Friday 19 March
By e
i could realy tell u all of you about dysfuctional, relationships that you find yourself involved in and can't get out of cause in one way or another you are able to cope with these men/women to some degree and thats because were human for one and save those hungry puppys, kittiens, weak birds and soo-on , there will always be something missing , men and women have needs some men wan't sex and if ur the women who do the same then he's comming back, wreather he's good in bed, and or long in the pants thats ur pick, same for men she's our pick. when we get what we asked for some of us get rabbit [ we run]. i was 19 this woman was older than me i did a 16 our shift, came home took a bath went to bed and asleep i went, BOOOM' went the door and my woman at that time told me not to walk pass her with out touching her are somthing i came short yesterday and today she's getting hers. well ladies and gent's i came short that time again she was pissed my stamina was weak because i had not worked for a long while. but while i were home we had sex as a daily routine like couples should she told me that she was going to come back and i had better thought of something. so i did i let one out [ some of you fellas know ] when my lady came back she got her's and was happy. but it was now my turn!!!! [ after an experiance of learning a womens body and fluid flo you'll know if she's fakeing or not pay close attencion to her body response as well as her's..hint..hint.]... [she wanted her's and for me to give it up] she knew i weren't long dong king kong but my stamina and other things i did during sex she knew i was at least good at . my new lady now leave me hanging i've shown her what i like how to turn me on etc, she and i aren't sexually compatible we've been together for some years also. sometime men/women need something but its for the moment they fill like they do who know but don't keep it bottle up the whole week get it out now talk about it.
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Friday 19 March
By jenniferstewart
i had a guy who let's say this wasn't genecticl'y endowe'd in the pantalonie's department he told me get this my pussy was to big i looke'd no your too small and your awful in bed i can finish myself off thank you very much he told me i was being mean and insensitive too his need's i told him pick up your pant's and get the hell out
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Friday 19 March
By jenniferstewart
i date'd a guy who used too date nothin'g but stripper's so one day at a freind's behest he told me that he was in the men's room and he saw the guy out of the corner of his eye small city he told me so small it was a speck no wonder he used toy's with you too little too count
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Sunday 23 May
By Kurt
I am in the same boat. After 15 years my wife is still bad in bed. When she initially tries to do better, she can pull off something great. But its short-lived. Maybe we should get together and show each other how it's done.
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