So, you got dumped. It happens to the best of us. Right now you're probably wishing you were wearing a dirty pair of sweat pants and gorging on extra-sharp cheddar. Or worse, listening to loud music
and writing in your new "Hate Journal." We want to help you break the cycle of Sara Lee and "Hoarders" reruns, so we've come up with a list of (gasp!) books to occupy your time and keep your mind off the man that got away better than any Kate Hudson movie ever could.
"South of the Border, West of the Sun" -- Haruki Murakami
A lonely, melancholy novel in which a man must choose between his wife and family and his mysterious first love, all while wondering what has become of his life. What? We never said we were trying to cheer you up. It's not Murakami's best work, but it suits the mood when you're heartbroken. It's like listening to The Cure, only you don't have to look around peevishly while you do it.
"Carrie" -- Stephen King
Classmates: "Hey Carrie! Plug it up!"
Carrie: "Hey Classmates! You're all going to die!"
Why read a trashy romance novel when you can read a trashy horror novel about the outcast girl getting revenge on everybody who put her down instead? It's slightly less embarrassing, and might actually make you feel better for a hot minute. (puntastic!)
"Matilda" -- Roald Dahl
If you're into the whole "girl moving stuff with her mind" thing, but want to bypass the blood and gore and killing, we recommend Matilda, by Roald Dahl. About a little girl with mental powers and a lousy family who never gives up on her dreams, and if you're really sad it will probably make you cry, either because you wish something good would happen to you or you don't understand why you're not 10-years-old anymore. So...approach with caution."The Cave" -- Jose Saramago
You think you've got problems? Maybe you should read The Cave. Even if there is a big fancy "Nobel Prize Winner" sticker on the cover to make you feel smart, you can actually tear through this one in a few days. And that will give you a sense of accomplishment you haven't felt since you put your recent ex's favorite shirt under the broiler.
"Parasite Rex: Inside the Bizarre World of Nature's Most Dangerous Creatures" -- Carl Zimmer
Do you need something to so totally fill you with paranoia and fear that you can't even think about the worm that just dumped you? How about a terrifying book about worms! AGH! You'll never walk barefoot in the street again, plus you'll be so full of disgusting factoids that you won't even have time to mention what's-his-name at a party -- you'll be too busy grossing people out. FTW!
"The Awakening" -- Kate Chopin
How about a little Victorian sex-fiction to ease your troubled mind? A feminist book before feminism was even a thing -- you know you want to read it.
"Breakfast of Champions" -- Kurt Vonnegut
Aside from being totally hilarious, illustrated by Vonnegut himself, and a really quick read, you can also always make it to the end and think "at least I wasn't dating that guy."
"The World According to Garp" -- John Irving
Fine. We give in. Sometimes you just need a good cry. DO: let the wonderfully developed characters of this John Irving novel make you weep inconsolably. DON'T: Make three bags of Xtreme Butter Microwave Popcorn and resign yourself to watching Marley & Me.
"Moby Dick" -- Herman Melville
If living well is the best revenge, then nothing says "Look how much better off I am without you" quite like reading the
Great American Novel. Although, if you manage to make it through all the (hilariously homoerotic) chapters about types of rope and who cleans what all the way to the end, you might end up with second thoughts about those vengeful thoughts you've been harboring.
The Ol' Flask-Hidin' Bible
Some of us seek comfort in the Good Book. The rest of us can seek comfort in that flask full of hooch we've got hidden inside one
. *Bonus* Since it only holds 4 ounces of liquor, chances of an embarrassing drunk dial are slim.