Lemondrop

When you really think about the insanity of working in an office -- I mean really think about it -- it becomes sort of galling that we're all not having a ton of sex.

I mean, let's take a moment and wrestle with the reality that most of us will spend most of our lives away from family and friends, day after day, conscripted into cubicles among a bunch of strangers. It's really a miracle everyone hasn't protested this inhumanity by getting routinely day-drunk and humping en masse in the conference room.

Think this is a weird sentiment? Let me flesh it out.

I'm not saying we should all be cheating on our spouses at work. Look, if you want to be married, be married. What I'm talking about is for us singles, out there spending a huge chunk of our fertile years cooped up in crazy cages, being slowly sterilized by the office microwave.

How do I know about office sex? I've had it. And it was incredible. I'll tell you why.

I Have Paperclip Marks on My Butt
I started a job out in California. My very first day, while at a meeting with my new "team," a woman at the front of the room and I shared a brief, wonderful smile. At first, we were merely co-workers. Then a friendship began to blossom. Fifteen months later, she was inching out of her skirt, mounting her desk, doing a dramatic arm-sweep of a coffee mug filled with pens, and brought me into the rarefied realm of Office Sex. It. Was. Awesome.

Haven't you ever found yourself, over the course of time, undeniably drawn to a co-worker if for no other reason than the proximity, the shared burdens, the common enemy of a boss? This can lead to office sex! Now, haven't you ever been attracted to a co-worker, and then, over time, found yourself deeply smitten with him because you got to see him five days a week and liked the person he was? Anybody can be charming with a gin gimlet in his hand, but to find someone appealing with toner ink on his pants and complaining about Microsoft Excel? Office sex calls!

Why It Beats a Starbucks Run
At the office, we reveal a side of ourselves that our parents and our friends don't get to see. We are Work Us, where we create these complex relationships with co-workers forged in shared resentment and excessive downtime.

You know why I think office sex is so explosive? You're sort of forced to treat everyone courteously, and there are rules in place, and the real truth about rules is not that they were meant to be broken, per se, but they make you more creative. They birth all sorts of interesting ways to rebel, all the while maintaining a guise of professionalism. When getting essentially "paid" to play "Tetris" is such a thrill, just imagine getting paid to flirt and grope on company time. The touch of a hand, the protectiveness (covering for them in front of the boss, etc.) -- it's a glorious game!

Caveat Humptor
Look -- don't forget that the reason you have a job in the first place is health insurance, not endless orgasms (although one certainly makes the other easier). So don't get caught. The copy room, conference room and supply closet are all wonderful places ... to get fired. Stick to the desk inside the private office (yours, hers, his, whatever), the after-office-hours (watch out for security cameras!), the secret bathroom in the basement that nobody knows about with the locking door, etc.

It's also important to pick your partner wisely. An obvious rule: Do not sleep with your boss. Just don't. And don't sleep with a subordinate, because you will get sued and take the company down with you. Sleep with somebody sane, a little slutty and on a similar career level -- ethical quandaries and emotional issues are unnecessary additions to the already-inherent riskiness.

Finally, and this might sound counterintuitive, but don't have office sex with someone you merely find attractive. It's actually -- like in real life -- better if you like seeing them. You know that wave of nausea that hits you when you bump into a One-Timer on the street? Multiply that by, like, a thousand if you have office sex with someone you wouldn't normally see again.

Now go, singles! Have office sex! Watch out for paper cuts. And the herp.

[Redacted]is the resident Single Guy writer for Lemondrop, and the incipient darkness that lies dormant inside the hearts of your children.

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