Nick Nadel, the Chic Geek, is here to take this on one, and he has some harsh words for this moneybags boyfriend. He thinks this boyfriend is a creep: "Nobody wants to be with a freeloader, but you expect your significant other to be there for you through good and bad times." He recognizes that mo' money equals mo' problems, but he doesn't think of it as a male/female issue, but rather just that some people are stingy with their money, and I agree with that entirely. Nadel tells Richie Rich "to man up and realize that his girl is supporting him. She's supporting him with her time and energy. She's taking care of him and she isn't his mother." He then advises a swift dumping, and I don't disagree, but something about the way this question is written makes me unable to get on board with Nadel's strong words.
I have so many questions. First, why is this cash-strapped girl dating this "creep?" If he is such a creep, stop doing his laundry, stop preparing meals for him, and leave. And my second question is "Why should guys help out financially?" The way this question is worded makes it sound as if it's an expectation for men to give women their money, and that is completely ridiculous.
I'm not saying is that people in long-term relationships shouldn't help each other out, and I'm also not saying that cooking and cleaning are not considered help. But there are no automatic rules of how that help should occur. No matter the income levels, the usage of old-school gender roles should not be expected.
My guess is that the girl in this situation has been complaining to her boyfriend about how financially screwed she is, and she's upset that he hasn't automatically offered up any cash. Maybe they both think it's too awkward of a topic to bring up directly, and you know why? Because it is.
When I was a kid and accidentally broke things, it would upset me greatly, and my dad would pull me aside and say, "Don't worry honey, it's just money. It's just paper." A nice sentiment as long as you have it, sure, but it did help me to take some of the emotionality out of money. You have to take the emotions and awkwardness out of it and talk to your boyfriend about paper.
My suggestion is that instead of expecting him to help out, talk to him about your issues. Tell him that you have been really stressing out about money, and that you would like to talk to him about the possibility of him helping you out financially.
Acknowledge how awkward it feels, and ask, don't demand. Definitely mention the non-financial efforts that you put into taking care of him, and what you would like for him to do. So that you don't end up one of those couples on "Judge Judy," write everything down. It may be a loan, it may be a more concerted effort to trade his money for your caretaking services, but whatever it is, it should be something the two of you work out together.
What do you think? Should guys help girls out financially? Or should wealthy folks help out their guy/girlfriends in general? Have you ever borrowed/lent money to a significant other? We want to hear from you!
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Monday 04 January
By Aaron
Does the female presenting this question pay for rent, food, other utilities? Or is he expected to help out above and beyond this? To what extent is the higher income significant other supposed to support the lower income s/o? There is a lot more to this argument than provided, even as much as how long they have been together. If he's been with her a month, 1, 3, 5 or 10 years isn't there a different though process? I guess it's love vs compassion vs trust...from a business standpoint every person who invests in someone (Relationship or money) expects some return from their investment. In her case it's help financially and in his it's some reasonable expectation to have her around past this rough period or see some of this money back other than in household help she was likely already providing prior to needing the money.
Sure he seems to make a lot of money but who knows what expenses (school loans, mortgage/rent, utilities) or other extenuating circumstances he has that require him to have money set aside for himself if he does have any set aside.
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Tuesday 05 January
By erika
There's too many unknown variables here. Does she work full time, pay as many of her bills as she can, and still get stuck? Does she blow her money on junk and then go whining to him because she doesn't know how to budget? Is the person who wrote in the girlfriend in question, or one of her friends? The way it's worded makes me wonder. How long have they been together?
I owe my boyfriend $5,300 that I needed to buy a new car when my old one died unexpectedly. He had the money, I didn't, so he gave it to me. I have never been able to pay him back. We do live together, and he pays the rent, but I pay the gas, power, water, internet, condo fees, and groceries. It ends up being about the same percentage of our pay for each of us, even though he pays significantly more than me each month.
Whoever is richer in the relationship (long term) should help out the person who is struggling financially, male, female, or otherwise. However, the less-rich person still should budget well and do their best not to take the richer person's wallet and generosity for granted.
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Tuesday 05 January
By starrynight
I agree with the others that there is not nearly enough information in her question to really give a decent response, but she somehow seems to equate performing household responsibilities with finances. Does she want a significant other, a sugar daddy, or an employer.
Had the roles in this situation been reversed, and it were a guy who was struggling financially with a rich girlfriend, I somehow think we would have been much tougher on him in that scenario than we are on her in this one.
This is nothing but outdated gender roles at its finest. I understand WANTING to help a Bf or Gf who is in money trouble, but it's not his duty...and shame on her for relying on a man to help her out of a pinch. She needs to learn to take care of herself, and if she's not making ends meet, she needs some money management advice - not relationship advice.
This all boils down to jealousy.
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Tuesday 05 January
By nick nadel
Hi Emily!
Great thoughts. We had a similar debate in the comments over at GuySpeak.
http://www.guyspeak.com/answers/what-do-you-think-of-guys-that-make-over-250kyr-spend-freely-on-themselves-but-will-not-help-a-long/index.php#comment-4456
Some people accused the woman in question of gold-digging, and asked if the boyfriend should be obligated to support her. I don't think it's a question of supporting her. My take was that, here is this guy who has plenty of extra dough, and he can't help out his girlfriend who takes care of him even a little bit during a time of need. Based on the info, the relationship seems more than a little one-sided.
I would agree with the comments here that we don't know all the details. And I agree she should get out of the relationship if he is such a creep. (Though the person who asked the question seems to be a concerned friend of the woman in question.) He's not obligated to do anything, but it sounds like she does a lot for him. Helping her out a little bit doesn't seem all that unreasonable.
Thanks for reading everyone!
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Thursday 07 January
By La Miu, Miu, Miu
She is in no position to expect her bf to provide financially for her simply because he is well off. It sounds to me like she never sat down w/ him to discuss money like two adults, she is just fuming while she waits for him to hand her a check. Of course, if he is a creep and she is a doormat, the root of their problems has nothing to do with money. To my fellow American women: Stop giving me a bad name with your gold digging and inflated sense of entitlement. Hard work is good for you!
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Thursday 07 January
By Rob George
From two divorces (I am a slow learner), I now live by and offer the following advice: Never entangle your finances with anyone else, for any reason. That being said, helping out a friend with a gift of money is entirely acceptable, as long as the recipient doesn't come to expect it subsequently.
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Friday 08 January
By MyrtleBeachGal
I am not sure about this female, but in my case after dating for 8 months I (27y/o) pulled up a paystub and flat out showed him what I made in 2009. He (44y/o) responded to me by saying “How can you survive on that?” I make less than 20K a year and I live in a high cost of living coastal area where the sales tax ranges from 8% to 16.5%. I work for an insurance company, which is considered a good job since all of the jobs around here are called “service industry jobs”. These jobs pay less than 10.00 an hour with no benefits or paid time off. He is a Network administrator for a local non-profit hospital, and he makes three times as much as I do. Just because I know this information, does not mean I put my hand out and expect money from him. I know he is not a cash cow, be he is aware that I work hard, I help my mother out with her bills, and that I am going to school to better myself. I do not want his pity or his money, but there are some things that I just can not afford or I can afford them at certain times. Like birth control for an example it has $100.00 co-pay with my insurance for a 91 day supply. I was not on it until I met him, which is something he wants me on. So in all fairness I feel like he should pay for it. This is not something I was planning for in my budget before I met him. Would that make me a “Gold Digger”, since I asked him to pay for my birth control? To some I am and others I am not, right?
When he and I do go out to dinner, movies, or whatever it is that it switches back and forth on who is paying. There are times where I do have the extra money and I will pay more times than others, because I know there will be hard times down the road where I will not be able to pay for whatever it is that we are doing.
As for your boyfriend being cheap, well it depends on how long you two have dated. I say anything from 0 to 12 months you do not need to be asking him for money. Ask a family member or take out a consumer loan. If you ask within the 1st year of your relationship, it is going to make you look like you are only after one thing and that is his money. If you two have dated longer than a year, I feel you should talk to him about your problem and ask him if you could borrow X amount of dollars to get me by until I get my tax refund check. If he says yes, pay him back ASAP once you get that check and take him out to a nice dinner to show him that you appreciate his help. You can take it or leave my advice, but this is what I would do; but you don’t have to listen to me you will make the right choice.
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