Is The New 'Bachelorette' Engaged?
'In Fantasy Land, We Teach Our Kids Abstinence -- And They Listen'
Money woes are one of the biggest factors in the breakup of relationships and marriages. To help you and your SO get on the same page in the new year, Lemondrop talked to Manisha Thakor, co-author of the recently released book, "Get Financially Naked: How to Talk Money With Your Honey."1. If you think your relationship has long-term potential, you need to have The Talk. "Society does not encourage us to discuss money openly and honestly with each other," admits Thakor.
"So in the early stages of dating you have to rely on 'seemingly small' signs -- how your sweetie talks about money, deals with paying the bill when you are out together/with others, what kind of lifestyle your honey maintains," Thakor says.
After sussing out your potential partner's pecuniary profile and thinking that the relationship is going to go the distance, Thakor suggests "being bold and finding out more definitively by taking a financial compatibility quiz." (Conveniently, Thakor has a two-page compatibility quiz posted on her book's site.)
2. Figure out your financial "must-haves." If you're a big spender, and he's more frugal (or vice versa), then Thakor says it's more difficult, but not impossible to build a life together. "The solution is not to try and turn your mate into a carbon copy of you," she says, "but rather to find out for each of you what are the financial 'must-haves.' Together you can set up a plan that lets each of your unique money urges to be satisfied.
"For instance, to help the frugal mate you could set a dollar amount for purchases above which you both agree to consult each other. To help the big-spending mate you could set a dollar that each person is allowed to spend a month, no questions asked." Alternatively, Thakor suggests a "financial three-way" where you each keep a separate bank account and have a joint account for shared expenses.
3. Don't preach or pass judgment. Some people are very set in their ways when it comes to managing their money, so it can be hard to watch a partner making what you perceive to be mistakes or missteps. "In order to ultimately come up with a plan that meets both your needs, you want to start off by really listening, with an open mind, to what your partner's financial dreams, hopes, fears and current reality are," says Thakor. "The key is to present the rationale behind the conversation as a way to bring you two closer and to make sure you both have a fighting chance of having your finances support your dreams."
Tell us! Have you had The Talk with your significant other? How did it go over?
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Tuesday 05 January
By Shenay
Ive been with my boyfirend for 6 yrs, Im 43 and he's 51. He has a very good job making 6 figures, Im a widow with one child making half of his salary. He will NOT buy me anything unless it is an "occassion." I even have to pay for myself when we go on vacation together. I recently asked him why after 6 years he couldnt pay for our up coming vacation, especially after we've been together for 6 years and Ive never asked in the past. (by the way this a vacation for my bday and valentines day) He NO and then proceeded to say "Why after 6 years do I have to still wine and dine you?" OMG what a cheap jerk...needless to say this will be our last vacation together!
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Tuesday 05 January
By Holly
First of all, Shenay, what are you doing with this guy after 6 years? You're still his "girlfriend"? You aren't little kids anymore, you are grown adults, fully capable of figuring out if you are in love and want to spend the rest of your life together or not, and in that case, get married!! He is obviously not buying the cow because he's getting the milk for free!! He makes you pay your own way, doesn't get you anything unless it is an occasion, and tells you that after 6 years he doesn't think he has to "wine and dine" you? You should cross your legs and keep them crossed, and tell him that you don't think you should have to lay down for him for free anymore!! A relationship is a 2-way street, and while he shouldn't have to foot the bill 100% of the time, making you pay your own way for a vacation when he makes twice what you make is rather insulting. If it were me, and I had to pay my own way, he wouldn't be getting any sex from me on the vacation!! Furthermore, I wouldn't waste my money on going on a vacation with him---go someplace else by yourself or with your girlfriends and have a blast!! That will show him that you can pay your own way and you prefer to pay to spend time with your friends in which you love their company! You say that this vacation is the last one---why bother with it at all? Save your money and tell this guy to go piss up a rope---you don't need him----he sounds like a selfish, self-serving, greedy, cheap old man. If this vacation is a "gift" for your birthday and Valentine's Day, then he should pick up the tab. It sounds like he only wants what's between your legs, but doesn't want to pay for it to show his appreciation. You can certainly do better than him. You are now 43, and you say you've been with him for 6 years, so that means you have been with him since you were 37? Get out now while you're still young and find somebody else who appreciates you---don't let this idiot steal the years you have left to be young. He is 51 years old now---does he expect you to take care of him when he gets too old and sick to take care of himself, when he hasn't treated you with any respect or appreciation whatsoever? Let him find someone else stupid enough to put up with his crap.
Tuesday 05 January
By Karen
DUMP HIS CHEAP ASS!!!
Tuesday 05 January
By Laurence
My wife was recently divorced when we met. Her ex was wealthy and she never had to worry about paying the bills. Consequently, though she never just bought what she wanted, she did buy whatever she felt she and her four children needed, and she always had the money to do that. She has master's degrees and has a very good job but still spends more than she makes every month, mostly on her adult children who are just now finishing college. I sat down with her and went over what our budget should be and it seemed we would have plenty of money for the house and other bills, but she "forgot" what most of her bills were, consequently, four months into the marriage I discovered she had four thousand more in bills than we brought home. I suggested she file for bankruptcy but she refused. We had to short sale the house since it represented most of our bills. Now we live in a smaller house, but still nice. I pay the rent, utilities, food, my car and whatever bills I run up. I pay for both when we go out and for her kids as well if they go with us. I even pay for her youngest daughter's college tuition. She pays all the other bills which are all hers; credit cards, loans, cars, etc. If she doesn't have enough money to pay for something extra out of her salary then she doesn't get it. I paid off her credit cards once, about a hundred grand, with the idea that she would pay me back, but now she can't. I refuse to lose any more money on the deal as we're both in our mid fifties. Before I met her, I had virtually no bills and was about half a million in savings, now I've lost about two hundred grand and with the current bills, it's clear to me that I will never recoup what I lost. To a certain extent I feel like I've been used, but not in an overt conscious way on her part. I just had to put a stop to it before I went bankrupt [paying her old bills and for her adult children. Good people but having tough times finding work. I think the mistake I made was in assuming that what she was telling me about her bills was accurate, not really checking them myself, then putting her and her adult children above my own needs. I wanted to retire in comfort, she wants to work till she drops, so she doesn't save anything. I look back over the last two years and I keep realizing that if I had put all my savings into the stock market in Feb, we'd have millions right now, but I was so depressed over what I had lost and found living with her so difficult, that I just shut down and forgot about things. Don't make the same mistakes I made. Make sure the person you marry is financially compatable or it will ruin your life and you will never recover.
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Tuesday 05 January
By mjkkota
These are great tips. Since money & finances are one of the top reasons couples argue and sometimes split it is a must do to understand your spending and have a budget. I love this website smartmoneymom.org for tips and advice on creating budgets, saving money, managing credit, paying down your mortgage, savings deals/rebates and coupons, lists of free sites to take surveys and do secret shops to make a little extra money and more!
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