Lemondrop

For the average American, Christmas means eating a big ol' turkey. And stuffing with chunks of said turkey all up in it. And also gravy made from the turkey's "drippin's."

For the average vegetarian this means a day spent politely insisting you ate way too many radishes and are completely stuffed, especially if you're spending it with your significant other's family for the first time instead of with your own folks.

It can be a very tricky situation -- people tend to get riled up and feel like you're judging them if you don't eat the same foods they do, so if you've never done this before, the best way to handle this situation is with food and a sense of humor. Because, believe me, you're going to need it.

For starters, make sure your partner tells their family you're vegetarian, without making a big deal about it. Second, you're going to need to bring some food, but you have to be smart about it -- you don't want to draw too much attention to yourself, or else you might spend your day in the bathroom making devil faces into the mirror and trying not to burst a blood vessel.

You should bring an appetizer (say your S.O. made it so it doesn't seem like you brought your own meal), because once the holidays hit, people will put meat in everything. Seriously. Not even cucumber slices are safe. You should also bring a side, but it shouldn't be something that was going to be served anyway, unless you are asked to make it or get the chance to volunteer to make something. Otherwise that second dish of "weird, vegetarian" stuffing is just going to sit there and make you feel like a failure.

I like to make something like corn pudding, because it seems like a side dish, but in reality when paired with a salad it's a meal unto itself. Plus this one, with its red and green pepper strips, is also a little festive.

Once the drilling on the subject of vegetarianism begins, typically halfway through a meal, try to brush it off with a joke. Sometimes a nervous moan or shoving a gigantic mouthful of mashed potatoes into your mouth while kicking your boyfriend under the table works too.

At the very least the mashed potatoes will give you time to think of something funny to say. Do not look up angrily and hiss "My mother was a jackal" in a demon voice. It's weird how nobody gets that joke.

Fortunately, meat and its company tend to shy away from the two most important parts of any holiday meal -- pies and booze. So if things start to get really bad and you realize you're starting to crack under the pressure of being asked 12 times whether or not you eat fish, just remember that at meal's end you're going to cram three slices of pumpkin pie down your gullet to soak up the two bottles of Pinot you "accidentally" drank when nobody was looking and feel like a total champ.

After all, isn't that what the holidays are really about -- drinking too much because you're surrounded by people who intimidate you, then eating way too much dessert? When you think of it that way, it's really just like any other Christmas, vegetarian or not.

P.S.: Vegans? You're screwed.

Emerald Catron is a writer, non-asshat vegetarian, and super-frequent Lemondrop contributor. Her boyfriend is a super-nice guy who loves her a whole lot.