Choosing a gift for your new parent friends and their kids isn't always easy. Parenting techniques vary from household to household, and every family lives by a different set of beliefs. Some parents only clothe their children in 100 percent organic cotton, while others might feed their kids Skittles for breakfast.
Below are some suggestions to help you tailor each gift to the corresponding parent archetype. So whip up a batch of Grandma's famous Christmas fetus cookies and get creative, whether you like your friends' little ones or not.
Type: Brand New Parents
What to Gift: This couple wavers between talking about how tired they are and how amazing their lives are now that they have a new baby. Give them a gift basket that says, "Welcome to parenthood! Now stop complaining." Items include:
-- His and Hers Pillow Cases (for those late night debates)
-- Baby Sleeping, Do Not Disturb Signs (so baby's naps go uninterrupted)
-- Placenta Teddy Bear (for novelty's sake)
-- Mom Jeans (a "cheeky" welcome to the club token)
Type: Parents Who Travel
What to Gift: Smart Baby Case (complete with air purification unit, LED screen and auto-diaper functions!)
Type: Parents With a Crazy Kid
What to Gift: Put together a basket that will help your friends -- and everyone else -- stay sane. Items include:
-- Leash (for the kid)
-- Hill Pill (for the parents)
-- Nyquil and Popsicle Containers (for sleepy time)
-- New Parent Apology Cards (for public outings)
Type: Environmentally Obsessed Parents
What to Gift: Anything that involves cloth diapers, butt-wash spray (yes, it exists) and fleece wipes are all good. Buy a gift basket from your friend's favorite overpriced eco-baby store and watch her squeal with delight.
Type: "Hip" Parents
What to Gift: Anything that looks like it's owned by Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. Gift basket items include:
-- Le Baby Styling Gel (for baby boy's Mohawk)
-- Heelarious High Heels (for baby girl's fashionista demands)
-- Baby Bangs (they're like ironic mustaches for babies!)
Type: Overcautious Parents
What to Gift: Depends on the particular neuroses plaguing your friends. Is their baby lactose intolerant? Does he have a weak immune system? Perhaps he's exhibited some adverse reactions to peanuts. Cover all your bases and buy them "The Parent's Guide to Food Allergies" to show how much you care about their little one's well-being.
Type: "Modern" Parents
What to Gift: This couple is on the cutting edge of parenting. They love art and technology and especially enjoy combining those hobbies with their roles as parents. A few gift suggestions:
-- iPhone Apps for Moms (because they're the future of parenting)
-- Ultrasound Art (because their baby is a masterpiece)
-- LEGO Digital Camera (because their kid is the next Warhol)
Type: Collector Parents
What to Gift: Some parents want to bottle up every memory they have of their kid's continual development. Help feed this obsessive-compulsive disorder with the following:
-- Tooth Box (collecting children's baby teeth is so trendy, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt designed a box for their new charity line!)
-- Belly Button Box (for their baby's adorable umbilical cord stump)
-- Scrapbook (for keeping track of all the big "firsts")
Type: Potty-Training Parents
What to Gift: Potty Parties are all the rage among the new parent sets, so don't be surprised if you get invited to little Brayden's Saturday afternoon celebratory fete. To show your support, contribute to the cause with a Potty Party Gift Basket. Items include:
-- Toilet Seat "Platter" (for the buffet)
-- Cake Tower made of TP and underwear (for sh**s and giggles)
-- Potty Throne (for the discerning potty-goer)
Type: Confused ParentsWhat to Gift: Some parents are just plain clueless. These are the times when being a friend counts the most. Encourage your friend to figure out who her baby daddy is with a thoughtful Paternity Test Gift Basket. Items include:
-- Specimen containers
-- Saliva collection swab
-- Maury Povich at-Home Paternity Test
-- Brief Questionnaire (with phone number of nearest lab to have samples obtained)
-- A "World's Best?" or "#1 Mom/Dad?" Balloon
Bonus Gift! Get on the Wait List: Twoddler (for the kid who loves to communicate!)
B. is the author of STFU, Parents, a "public service" humor blog.
Comments:
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Tuesday 22 December
By francesbean
What about parents who feed their kids skittles for breakfast WHILE wearing 100 organic cotton, while bathing in soy milk and drinking a placenta smoothie?
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Tuesday 22 December
By Bre
This article is idiotic. Nothing helpful, nothing amusing. What is the point?
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Tuesday 22 December
By Joy
It's a joke. Written by the writer of STFU Parents. Pull your head out of your ass.
Tuesday 22 December
By Lyrical
Meh. Not as funny as I thought it would be.
Reply
Tuesday 22 December
By brian
The fact that some of these items exist justifies writing a story. It's a funny spin on the holidays, I like it.
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Tuesday 22 December
By Sarahhh
Love it, i think i remembered everything on here from stfuparents. You forgot to mention giving a new mom her "mommy card", sort of like a "ghetto pass" that allows her to be smug, demanding, condescending, and to name her child things with two e's on the end or extra y's. (Caydynne).
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Wednesday 23 December
By Mama24
OMG I hate the extra Y's. Friends named their Baby Haydyn Maylynne (like May the month and Lynn). It can't bear to write or type it unless I am making fun of it. Also I know an Aydryannah? Who does that? I HATE the new take on the classics like Jaycub, Mychael, Jaycyn (a boy in my son's class no lie), Sybastian, I have seen them all. Most of the time the real good ones come from the girl that is 17... but don't worry she will be 18 and 3 days when the baby gets here.... Those girls can kill a name Makaylinn, Nevaeh, Adyryannah (like I mentioned above), Kristianah, Katana, and my favorite Twins Brycen and Maicen (boys) yeah they can murder a kids name. What is up with Jayden and Jaidyn, Jaedyn, Jaydyn, I am so sick of Jaden and Brayden! I have normal kids names One has a Y because it's Brooklyn, and the other has a y because it's Zachary. I wasn't trying to be all like Brookelynne and Zacharee.
Friday 25 December
By pixie721
Oh, Bre your dour lack of imagination is showing. How can you say there is nothing useful or funny about this article? That Smart Baby Case should be required for air travel. It may be the most useful gadget of all time. The other gifts may not be up your alley, but some people would find them smart, useful, and funny gifts even though the article itself is tongue in cheek. Those baby bangs are fugly. If you want to abuse something, abuse those because they deserve it.
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Monday 28 December
By Kayla
@mam24 Katana? As in the Japanese sword? Most of those "names" you typed don't look like anything more than drunk type. Makes me wonder what the next generation of pregnant teens and "trendy" mothers will come up with.
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