Liz Rizzo is a BlogHer.com contributor who writes about love, sex and relationships.For the record, the last time I was single I did make an honest effort to date in the high school bracket. That is, someone I could potentially have been in high school with - an eight-year age bracket of four years on each side. But then the guy who caught my eye on OKCupid was 28 at the time. Nine years younger than I was. I loved his profile and so I shot him an email. We were at dinner that Friday night and the rest is history.
And my history is one of dating younger guys. Has been since undergrad. Certainly there's a floor. I'm not particularly interested in dating any 21-year-olds now that I'm 38. But dating younger guys -- be it by two years or 10 -- is just part of who I am. I'm open to any number of experiences; it's just more likely that whomever I date next will be younger than me.
Now, normally I don't like to link or even acknowledge drivel, but I find this piece by Spencer Morgan in the New York Observer has some fascinating aspects I keep thinking about: "Rrrowl! Beware Cougar's Young Niece, the Cheetah." Amusingly, while trying to Google this article to re-find it, I found myself trying to remember which cat I'm supposed to be today. Lynx? Puma? Leopard? Cougar? Seriously, I can actually imagine a ridiculous pullout box in some stupid magazine, complete with representative cat pictures.
But OK, the "Cheetah." Two things really struck me as I read this man-fluff piece. And I'll tell you right now, I'm not going to address the obvious rape problem, nor the misogyny per se. I find those aspects disgusting, and a little sad, but not particularly interesting. No, what interests me is a male/female friendship issue, and also the truly odd perception of age and attraction dynamics between men and women. First, friendship. I've come to realize that while I think of myself as a person and of my friends as my friends, some men (and maybe women) come from a completely different perspective. Reading the opening of Morgan's column, what first strikes me is that this poor woman probably thinks she's friends with these guys. And she actually thinks she's a whole person whom they regard as a person. But instead, Spencer Morgan doesn't see her that way. He sees a woman. An older woman. He sees her as an Other. Not a friend.
I'm reminded of comments I read once from in regards to a young woman who went into a house with five male friends and was gang-raped. The older women said the young woman should have known that would happen. The problem, of course, is that the young woman thought that these guys were her friends, and also, that she was a full person. She wasn't thinking of herself the way those guys were. I find it incredibly sad that anyone would judge this young woman for thinking of herself as a person and for thinking of her male friends as her friends. Judge instead men who don't first think of women as human beings just like them.
And then, of course, Morgan acts like there's something weird about a 29-year-old woman hooking up with a 24-year-old guy. She must be desperate. He must be drunk. Or maybe ... they're both just horny? Or attracted to each other? Or both? (Obviously, I'm taking the presented rape scenario off the table here.)
It's true that your 20s is when some people -- men and women -- begin to date younger. I certainly wasn't dating guys nine years younger while I was in high school. But, I have to wonder if Morgan would find a 29-year-old guy dating a 24-year-old woman quite so titillating. And if not, what the heck is the difference?
Seriously, in 2009 when people are so diverse in their wants and desires -- despite what advertising and entertainment and ridiculous trend pieces may try to tell you -- can't we just get over this ridiculous fascination with women dating younger men? It simply doesn't make any sense. It's just not that strange.
Here's something I'm embracing more and more as I get older: my age. There was a recent episode of "Accidentally on Purpose" where Billie (the 30-something woman) starts to talk to Zach (her 20-something love interest) and says, "When I was your age ..." She catches herself by admitting that she hates that she's saying that, but, well, "When I was your age ..."
I find myself going there sometimes, and you know what? There's nothing wrong with it, just like there's nothing wrong with or sordid about older-woman/younger-man relationships. I don't date younger guys to pretend I'm not the age I am. And with a nine-year age difference, the fact is sometimes I do have some life experience to share. I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like being my age isn't OK. That's why I have my full birthday on my Facebook, and I don't hesitate to throw it out there. I'm 38. I don't have a problem with that. Neither do the men I date.
George Clooney gets to run around with gray hair and be sexy. You know what? So do I.
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Monday 21 December
By TelltheTruth
Cougars always seem to find out the hard way that younger guys aren't into them for their personalities as they'd like to fool themselves into believing. They are in it for the sex because as everyone knows: women are like dogsh*t-- the older they get, they easier they are to pick up. manhood101 . com
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Monday 21 December
By Julie
Young girls are also easy to pick up. That's why college guys date high school girls. When I was in college, one of my male friends specifically dated high school girls because they were more naive and "didn't take themselves too seriously", and basically treated him like a god because "OMG he's, like, in college!"
Wednesday 06 January
By anucat
That isn't always true. I date only younger men and I have found 'most' of them want to go out with someone who is mature and doesn't act like they are in junior high. They also know an older woman is not going to expect them to support them.
Wednesday 06 January
By Mary
A response to you is going to be like trying to talk to a newborn babe because you obviously only think about what makes you feel good.
In regard to your response when I was 35 I met a wonderful 29 year old and at first was going to let my age get in the way of what turned out to be the best and longest relationship in my life. We married after 6 months and were married the day he died 20years later. In his short life he had little children calling him Papa (at 30) and loved life. Just because you seem to only be seeking intial satisfaction does not make your opinion worth a pile of what you referred to us lovely ladies as. AS A MaTTER OF FACT his even younger friends started seeking out older women to marry because we know how to treat a real man and don't play mind games!Will I ever find another like him? I doubt it.
Will you ever have the happiness my love did? I Doubt it!
Tuesday 12 January
By Michele
uuuummm you are wrong at generalizing. Some of us "older" women are more particular and not as easy to pick up. I get hit on constantly and either shoot down most of them or ignore them if they do not meet my standards. But, yeah guys who are more than 20 yrs younger try to pick me up all the time. There is a different sensuality that an older attractive woman possesses. We tend to also be less uptight and don't play games. And better in bed due to experience and being more comfortable and secure.
Monday 21 December
By Aleta Schaefer
I don't consider myself a cougar because I have not gone out looking for younger guys. I have been known to try discouraging them. I am also not a particularly attractive woman ala Demi Moore. In high school I looked toward upper classmen. It's only since I'm out of college that younger guys find me. My X is 2 years younger. My youngest lover is a real shocker to me. He is 35. I My actual son is 23, so I don't compare 35 yrs old to my son. I do have friends with sons older than my lover. At this point in my life I have little interest in marriage. Been there done that. My young lover does not believe my chronological age is correct. I was a late bloomer so it seems logical that at this late date I should find new experiences. And of course, much of the relationship is for the sex. I can no longer get pregnant so that worry is over. That simplifies a relationship. My young man appreciates that. Nope did not go looking for a much younger man, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can.
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Monday 21 December
By my thoughts
I am also a 38 year old woman who is in a relationship with a 29 year old (dare I say years young) man.... and we have been in a realtionship for 4 years ... so I dont really think that he is after only one sex, .... and as for your comment, tellthetruth, "women are like dogsh*t--" .... you apparently , dont have, or have you ever had a real woman in your life.... so you opinion doesnt matter!!!!! in this case!!!!
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Monday 21 December
By Julie
You say you are 38, but you type like a 14 year!!!!! old!!!!!
I also enjoyed your slip of how "men are only after one sex"--not all men, don't forget the bisexuals!
Tuesday 22 December
By my thoughts
you in fact had no opinion, about the article.... but you still were annoying!!!!
Tuesday 22 December
By Johnnie
Nice article i found it very interesting.
girlfriend
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Tuesday 22 December
By Johnnie
Nice article i found it very interesting.
girlfriend
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Sunday 27 December
By MyLife
Okay so I always dated older men, I found that dating older men and EVENTUALLY,married to an older man really made it hard because it was boring and he wasn't very sensitive to my feelings ...not to say that all older men are boring, but the one's I dated were. So, I decided to stay single for a really long time 5 years plus then i met my now husband who happens to be 8 years and one month younger than me... I was shocked when he rold me his age... I couldn't believe it...but its true & I wouldn't want anyone else but him by my side. so its not just for sex. we want a baby together pretty soon....
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Sunday 27 December
By Diane
I'm 53-years old. I was married for many years to a man twelve years my senior, but widowed in my late 30's. For ten years now, I've been with a man 14 years younger than me. He is the first to roll his eyes at the recent cougar craze...and I'm obviously far beyond the age of the average cougar. It is ridiculous that our society buys into this idea that women somehow lose their sexuality and value as they get older...the only possible logical rationalization for this is if a man wants a woman for breeding purposes.
On TV last night, some guy in his 30's was grossed out at the idea of a still very beautiful Jane Fonda getting a bikini wax. Wake up world! "Old" people are still sexual, and those who are disgusted by it are like immature kids who are freaked out by the idea of their own parents actually "doing it." It makes me laugh to realize how soon THEY will be the ones being ridiculed.
If younger men still find me attractive, so what? I did not pursue them...in fact, quite the opposite. It is true that I look better than most women who are ten years younger than me, but I will never be able to compete with an attractive 20-year old again. Yet, I have maturity, wisdom and experience to offer. And a man of any age who is attracted to a woman (also of any age) for reasons beyond just the superficial is a man worth keeping!
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Monday 04 January
By Pamela
Well said! I have been with a younger man for three years now and I am 56 and he is in his mid 20's. He is very attractive and I also don't look my age. And no,niether one of us at this point is in it for only sex, although that part of our relationship is great also. We are just happy to be together and although he has mentioned marrage a few times, I have already been married for most of my adult life, up until my husband passed away from cancer 5 years ago, and I'm not thinking of getting married again. If he wants to leave one day he's free to go and vice versa. That's the difference with an older woman verses a young girl...we have the experience of knowing what a man really wants in a woman and we don't want or have to hold on tight..because we are more secure in our lives. They want to stay..they're not forced to stay!
Monday 04 January
By Robert
I don't see anything wrong with an older woman dating a younger man, I think its neat. Age is just a number, if you love each other, go for it!
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Tuesday 05 January
By jean
I agree, age is just a number, love has no age and if you love each other and make each other happy, then go for it as long as no one else is going to get hurt.
Monday 25 January
By Dolly
I think AGE IS JUST A NUMBER !!!! and all the stupid guys who think that woman being older makes a diference are the sex crazy stupid dumb fucks who havenever had true love ...........if the reason is love no problem all cool...so grow up & change with time ....
Tuesday 05 January
By Sharon
Possibly younger men do seek older women, for various reasons. My current boyfriend is 23 years younger than me, and one year younger than my daughter. My previous boyfriend was 12 years younger than me and we were together for over six years. However, I have dated men my age, older, and other younger ones. The difficulty comes in finding someone with similar interests and tastes who both enjoys your company and you enjoy theirs. It seems the important thing should be how you get along, how you feel about each other, the way you treat each other, and if each person in the relationship feels on "even footing." Seems a little silly to always assume someone else is with their partner for very superficial reasons.
I'm told I don't look my age, but I don't care. I'm not particularly beautiful, and that's ok. I'm not even very thin, but I just have this one life to live; and I hope to squeeze as much happiness out of it as possible. If I'm helping someone else enjoy their life at the same time, why does it matter to anyone else?
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Wednesday 03 February
By Joy
Way to go Sharon. You made me feel much better about my much younger guy.
Tuesday 05 January
By J
"But, I have to wonder if Morgan would find a 29-year-old guy dating a 24-year-old woman quite so titillating. And if not, what the heck is the difference?"
LOL...you're dumb. Pretending the sexual attractiveness of men and women changes equally with aging is silly, and asking it like you just fell off the turnip truck doesn't make it clever or insightful, just dopey. Women become notably less attractive to men as they age; men don't become quite as notably less attractive to women as they age. Hence, older men seek younger women (and frequently get them), while the opposite is much less common. This is easily observed in cultures all across the world.
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