Liz Rizzo is a BlogHer.com contributor who writes about love, sex and relationships.For the record, the last time I was single I did make an honest effort to date in the high school bracket. That is, someone I could potentially have been in high school with - an eight-year age bracket of four years on each side. But then the guy who caught my eye on OKCupid was 28 at the time. Nine years younger than I was. I loved his profile and so I shot him an email. We were at dinner that Friday night and the rest is history.
And my history is one of dating younger guys. Has been since undergrad. Certainly there's a floor. I'm not particularly interested in dating any 21-year-olds now that I'm 38. But dating younger guys -- be it by two years or 10 -- is just part of who I am. I'm open to any number of experiences; it's just more likely that whomever I date next will be younger than me.
Now, normally I don't like to link or even acknowledge drivel, but I find this piece by Spencer Morgan in the New York Observer has some fascinating aspects I keep thinking about: "Rrrowl! Beware Cougar's Young Niece, the Cheetah." Amusingly, while trying to Google this article to re-find it, I found myself trying to remember which cat I'm supposed to be today. Lynx? Puma? Leopard? Cougar? Seriously, I can actually imagine a ridiculous pullout box in some stupid magazine, complete with representative cat pictures.
But OK, the "Cheetah." Two things really struck me as I read this man-fluff piece. And I'll tell you right now, I'm not going to address the obvious rape problem, nor the misogyny per se. I find those aspects disgusting, and a little sad, but not particularly interesting. No, what interests me is a male/female friendship issue, and also the truly odd perception of age and attraction dynamics between men and women. First, friendship. I've come to realize that while I think of myself as a person and of my friends as my friends, some men (and maybe women) come from a completely different perspective. Reading the opening of Morgan's column, what first strikes me is that this poor woman probably thinks she's friends with these guys. And she actually thinks she's a whole person whom they regard as a person. But instead, Spencer Morgan doesn't see her that way. He sees a woman. An older woman. He sees her as an Other. Not a friend.
I'm reminded of comments I read once from in regards to a young woman who went into a house with five male friends and was gang-raped. The older women said the young woman should have known that would happen. The problem, of course, is that the young woman thought that these guys were her friends, and also, that she was a full person. She wasn't thinking of herself the way those guys were. I find it incredibly sad that anyone would judge this young woman for thinking of herself as a person and for thinking of her male friends as her friends. Judge instead men who don't first think of women as human beings just like them.
And then, of course, Morgan acts like there's something weird about a 29-year-old woman hooking up with a 24-year-old guy. She must be desperate. He must be drunk. Or maybe ... they're both just horny? Or attracted to each other? Or both? (Obviously, I'm taking the presented rape scenario off the table here.)
It's true that your 20s is when some people -- men and women -- begin to date younger. I certainly wasn't dating guys nine years younger while I was in high school. But, I have to wonder if Morgan would find a 29-year-old guy dating a 24-year-old woman quite so titillating. And if not, what the heck is the difference?
Seriously, in 2009 when people are so diverse in their wants and desires -- despite what advertising and entertainment and ridiculous trend pieces may try to tell you -- can't we just get over this ridiculous fascination with women dating younger men? It simply doesn't make any sense. It's just not that strange.
Here's something I'm embracing more and more as I get older: my age. There was a recent episode of "Accidentally on Purpose" where Billie (the 30-something woman) starts to talk to Zach (her 20-something love interest) and says, "When I was your age ..." She catches herself by admitting that she hates that she's saying that, but, well, "When I was your age ..."
I find myself going there sometimes, and you know what? There's nothing wrong with it, just like there's nothing wrong with or sordid about older-woman/younger-man relationships. I don't date younger guys to pretend I'm not the age I am. And with a nine-year age difference, the fact is sometimes I do have some life experience to share. I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like being my age isn't OK. That's why I have my full birthday on my Facebook, and I don't hesitate to throw it out there. I'm 38. I don't have a problem with that. Neither do the men I date.
George Clooney gets to run around with gray hair and be sexy. You know what? So do I.
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Friday 08 January
By Kimmy
J, you're a complete idiot and this statement you made validates it. "Women become notably less attractive to men as they age; men don't become quite as notably less attractive to women as they age." Um I'm not sure who has been lying to you but men DO in fact get notably less attractive and more so than a woman. So take a good look in the mirror and know, youre day of being old and not so attractive is coming.
Wednesday 17 March
By julie777
wow J,
men age just as badly or worse than women do. Women don't go bald. Women a bit out of shape look better than flabby men. Women work on themselves and it pays off whereas most men don't and one day they are hideous Mr. Potatoheads.
J, I so seriously think you are a woman hater and insecure with yourself too.
Tuesday 05 January
By ellie
I am with Pamela and Sharon! I met my companion online. I did not disclose my age when we met, but, told him I was old enough to be his mother and then some. His response was - we are just gaming partners what difference does it make? As the friendship developed he pressed for my age. I was fearful of losing the friendship but gave him a dose of reality and sent him a picture. To my surprise he was not frightened away. We have been together nearly a year - never have a dull moment . We are best friends and business partners (on a 50/50 basis in case you were thinking he is a gigolo.) We will meet in person for the first time on our one year anniversary. I am 60 and he is 24 and we have enriched each others lives tremendously.
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Wednesday 06 January
By Reborn
There is no doubt that older and insecure men are having the most problems with older women dating younger men. I too am an older woman who looks much younger than I am. I am 53 and most people think that I am 35. Yes much younger men find me attractive and I would date them if I were not stuck in this marriage. It has very little to do with the virility of the younger man, but that would be important, for me it would have more to do with how intelligent he is. I am finding that younger men see life a a lot differently than older men. Older men are set in their old grumpy undesirable ways not to mentioned that shiny new beer gut. Who wants that! Not I said the cat! Yes younger men are physically appealing to older women and whats wrong with that. Have you seen those six-packs UMMM! Older men date younger women all the time and can probably keep them if the money is right! (Hugh Hefner) I think the problem is that older women no longer feel the need to stand in line and wait for some older man their age who she does not find appealing yet society says she should be with. Thank God that women no longer feel tied to old traditions. Enjoy yourselves ladies and let these old tired hatin' men grovel in anger thinking about that good lovin you're gettin from that younger man with whom he can no longer COMPETE. Order your Viagra you woman hating guys and go sit the hell in front of the T.V. and rub that shiny new beer gut! deal wit it!
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Wednesday 06 January
By ScribusMedicus
Personally I think younger men find older women enticing because the older woman is no longer searching for her identity in a relationship. She is mature, knows who she is and doesnt expect the man to BE her life. He is an added addition to it, but isnt IT. Older women have found their careers, too. In short, they arent stuck in the "what/who do I want to be when I grow up?" routine. Nobody, either male OR female, likes to "babysit" in a relationship. If you arent a whole secure person coming to the table, then you're going to have problems and that is that. Chronological age makes little difference; however, maturity age makes QUITE a bit of difference.
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Tuesday 12 January
By Michele
Amen!
Thursday 04 February
By Jena
That was so well said!!!!! Sometimes I tend to forget who I am (42 years old) and get a little "needy". And I know that turns a guy off. As long as I can keep things in check, I do much better mentally. I am very successful, nice looking and mostly confident. Why is it when I get with a guy I really like, I lose that confidence? I wait for the call and when he doesn't call I feel he has found someone else. I know that isn't true. He has a real life, career, I am not his whole world, which is how it should be. How can I get to that place mentally where I don't obsess? Oh well, I guess no matter how old we are, we still feel like that high school girl, the difference is, we know what not to do. We still think about sending him that text.... we are just more disciplined not to hit send. LOL
Wednesday 06 January
By Layla
My husband is 32 and I am 39, and we have been together for 9 years and married for seven years now. Initially, I was not set out to meet a younger guy, he just happened to be looking for what I was looking for at the time we met, which was a serious relationship. Even though we only have a 7 year difference, sometimes it feels like there is a decade difference, because I miss the conversational level I can have with a man that is closer to my age, sometimes my husband just doesn't get it. Sometimes I feel like I am raising a second son. If I had to do it all over again, I would have married someone closer to my age group.
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Wednesday 06 January
By bj
being married to a younger man is hard when you reach the late 60's. you are ready to retire, he still has to work...think hard on it. however, all the years you can spend together might still be worth it. just the retirement thing stinks.
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Wednesday 17 March
By julie777
I think it is ridiculous to stay out of a relationship b/c of traditional age ideas.
I am a 54 year old woman who looks late 40 but very pretty. I get hit on by younger men my whole life and have wasted so much time agonizing about it and trying to limit who I will date. Right now its really wild- biggest gap yet. 22 year gap. What will I do? Well, they start it- they come after me.
God gave me sex appeal: big time. I can't change that about me and I am tired of fighting about it in my head.
I do feel insecure but there is a super chemistry going on. I would be an idiot to walk away.
I find men my age to be grumpy, jaded, and boring and so set in their ways.
And I do love sex and always have and the boys have not kept up with me.
Bring me a handsome fun sexy man my age and I will take him. But there are about 20 of them on the planet and all taken.
So we date the beautiful young boys. Muah!!
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Wednesday 07 July
By Jim
You're a twat.
What a pointless article. So you date someone 4 years younger. Big woop.
My sister is about to marry a guy 17 years older than her and i've never seen anybody make her so happy.
Age is irrelevant. Love conquers all.
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