Lemondrop

Everyone has that certain someone on the holiday list who's impossible to buy for -- the father who gets everything he wants for himself, the killjoy relative who doesn't believe in the crass commercialism of Christmas, or the BFF who's moving to Yemen bringing only those items she can shove into a rucksack. What's a generous girl to do?

Well, cease pulling out your hair and praying a fat bearded dude will drop down your chimney and solve all your problems, because we've compiled a celebrity-inspired gift guide designed to help you navigate even the trickiest seasonal-gifting situations. WHAT DO YOU GET FOR ...

... the dude who just married someone he hadn't introduced his kids to, after merely a month of dating? This friend of yours clearly is under hypnosis of some kind. A bracing bucket of cold water might make the most thoughtful present. As a bonus, if he accidentally spills some on his new bride and she melts, that ought to prove your point just as well.


... your friend, who can't stop pining for her toxic exes even though they ignore her and/or make fun of her in public? Perhaps she'd be receptive to an eHarmony membership, as she clearly has disastrous taste within her current social circle. We also suggest trying a New York Giants jersey, because, well, we just have a nagging feeling that might rankle one of her former boyfriends. Plus, hey, at least ONE person on that team is probably single.

... the dude you golf with, who has 14 mistresses and just got publicly busted? We would advise against providing this person with any additional technology, as the aforementioned public nature of his problems can be traced directly to his inability to understand that texting your mistresses -- or in fact doing anything that can be proffered as proof of iniquity -- is really, really stupid. Instead, stuff his stocking with a hammer, with a note attached that explains how he could use it to destroy the offending devices.

... your neighbor who has eight children and an ex-husband who wears Ed Hardy clothes, aka the international wardrobe of douchebags? Booze. Lots of it.

... your neighbor who is the ex-husband who wears Ed Hardy clothes, aka the international wardrobe of douchebags? Get him yet another pair of flip-flops, because seriously, it's not worth spending more money than that on this yokel.

... your cousin, who habitually wears leotards accessorized with freaky eye masks and giant, hoof-like heels? You're not even trying, now. Obviously, buy the poor child some pants.

... your co-worker, whose constant fighting with her wretched parents and on-again/off-again girlfriend, coupled with her refusal to return to her trademark red hair, is seriously working your nerves. An all-expenses paid trip to a remote island without Internet access, cell phone coverage, television cameras, motor vehicles, liquor licenses or TMZ.

-- the semi-deadbeat baby daddy who is posing for Playgirl? This is a sticky wicket. You could try giving him the gift of a Facebook group called "Yes, but he doesn't know how to USE it," but really, that's more of a gift for his ex. If only it were easier to gift-wrap a clue. Talk about one-stop shopping.