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I'm a young mom -- young enough that people often ask if I got married because I was pregnant with my now 4-and-a-half-year-old daughter. But that would mean that I conceived her nine years ago, making her the longest pregnancy in the history of the world. I don't bother explaining to people that I got married long before I got pregnant, because math obviously isn't their strong suit. Neither is tact.
My husband and I passed our nine-year wedding anniversary in September. We got married when I was 18.
With the popularity of the "Twilight" books, a hot topic on the Internet seems to be whether marriage at 18 really works. I didn't marry a supernatural creature, and I can only speak from my own experience.
I was 18, head over heels in love with my 22-year-old boyfriend, and we'd decided to live together. But a priest didn't need to guilt us into making it official; we went to him. He did rush things along so we would cease to live in sin and hopefully make some Catholic babies. By most Internet accounts, I should be on kid number five, all of whom sleep in the same bedroom (whether I should still have teeth varies by site), but she's an only child. (We're "one and done" with our daughter.)
The truth is, we married unusually young but we are incredibly (almost depressingly) normal. A good date night is dropping our daughter off at her grandparents' and eating homemade nachos on the couch while watching a really bad romantic comedy (and when I say really bad, I mean did you see "The Proposal"?). I volunteer to bring snacks to her pre-school. He comes home from work to play with LEGOs. Our fights don't amount to much more than the occasional night on the couch (hey, he snores) and there's always the make-up sex.
No Regrets?
We've been married nine years. If I regret anything, it's that we seemed to have gotten old before our time. I'm only 27, and I stay in and watch bad TV on a Friday night. A night out in Manhattan with my girlfriends requires advance planning and an internal debate: Do I want the hassle? In the end it was the promise of a visit to a good cupcake bakery that swung me toward the city and convincing my parents to watch our daughter.
Perhaps that's the only negative aspect of marriage at 18 for me: I'll practically prostitute myself for a really good New York City cupcake.
Young marriage it doesn't doom you to a life of poverty or bad self-esteem. One study even found younger married women are more likely to step up and take financial responsibility, and less likely to have financial fights in their marriage. We got married young, but we were both well out of high school (I graduated at 16) and with no baby on the way, I daresay we had a better chance at making it work than the couples whose first year of not keeping their hands off each other is better termed "can't keep their hands from smelling faintly of diaper."
Living Proof
If you want evidence that age is just a number, prop our marriage up against our friends'. Throw all those statistics about marriages failing at me, and I'll point you in the direction of the friends who waited until well past the legal age to say "I do."
One friend is on husband number two (a fabulous guy whom I'm glad she found). Another is going through a messy separation (from a total tool -- again, glad she's there). A third had a child with a man she's since severed all ties with and is planning her wedding to a second (again, much more fabulous) guy.
I didn't let my eyes go wide and swoon because a guy happened to glitter in the sunshine a la "Twilight." If you're looking for him at 18, 28 or 68, you probably need a refresher course in life. Might I suggest you start with math?
Jeanne Sager is a blogger and a reporter for the Sullivan County Democrat. She shaves her head annually for St. Baldrick's Foundation, a children's cancer charity.
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Thursday 17 December
By lulu
I'm so glad to see this article!!! I believe in keeping oneself pure until marriage, and it is impractical to think that putting marriage off in the prime sexual years of ones life is a good way to do that. I believe that young marriage is actually the way things should go, I also think that to be prepared for it people need to be in the company of good counsel, and listen to it's wisdom.
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Thursday 17 December
By kait.
I honestly love this story. My boy-friend and I are the same, even though we've planned for some days and in the end we've had to re-plan, we're officially getting married in December 2010, right before we both hit twenty.
Being from families who married young and encourage a good financial ethic, we're way ahead of our time as well. While others are still dating, partying, and doing other things, we're planning a wedding, and looking forward to spending most weekends at home together on the couch watching t.v. and playing videogames or something.
You're story really helped, because it gave an insight of someone who is not the norm in today's world. I appreciate it (:
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Friday 18 December
By Stephanie
Well I have to make a comment on this because my husband and I got married when I was only 17 yrs old, and today is our 17 yr anni!!!! I have to say it works as long as you believe in one another. I'm excited to hear that there are more people in the world today to take a challenge in life and go with it, I have to say it's always been a winding road but eventually it all settles down to love and supporting each other....
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Monday 21 December
By trish73
I too, was 17 years old, and NOT ready for marriage. I was not pregnant, was celibate, up until two weeks AFTER my marriage. My father was in a hurry to get we two girls, out of his hair,and his wife. I married a lazy someone, that didn't amount to a dime. But, I was Daddy's good girl, and never talked back, he said you, and Frank are getting married, in Reno, two days from the time he made that announcement. I just shrugged, or shook my head. Don't know which. That was the worst day of my life, or, pretty close to being the worst. I stayed married to him, I couldn't support the four girls, I had, and he didn't hold a job, long enough, to take him into court, for child support. I put him in jail once, and all his friends were in there, so they sat around playing Pinochle, drinking coffee, and loving it. So, I came east, to be with my mother, who didn't want me to marry in the first place. She couldn't stop it, she was in Nova Scotia, with her husband, and when she found out, it was too late. When they came back to the Washington D.C. area, I moved here, with my girls. My husband was a womanizer, a pathological liar, you name it, that was him. Again, since I was so young, I had no skills, to support my girls, so, I depended on what little money he brought in, and my step-father helping out, financially. He even stole a check from one of his girlfriends check book. And, took her to N.Y.C. wined, and dined her, on her money, though she didn't know it, at the time. When she found out, she called me, and said she was going to have him jailed. Well, I ended up, picking up the bad check, to keep him out of jail, as my step-dad said, at least he does bring some money in. Now, I have been a widow, for over 17 years, will never marry, again. I will not be buried with him, I will be buried in another cemetery, away from him. I put him in the Catholic cemetery, next to my Church, and I will go elsewhere. I am Catholic, too. And, I had the marriage rectified, about 10 years after the Reno marriage, so I could receive Holy Communion. My girls are all grown, have families of their own. And, I am a 75 year old widow, bitter widow, when I think of him, so I try not to.
Friday 18 December
By Charlotte
But did either spouse go to college? People often ask me why I haven't married my boyfriend of 4 years who I started dating when I was 18. My answer is that I'm working and trying to finish school and want to close one chapter of my life by getting my degree before I open the next chapter. We are friends with several couples about our same age and they all have children but the difference is that none of them went to college so they didn't have that delay between high school and starting a family.
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Monday 21 December
By browntim71@aol.com
Just because you have gone to college, doesn't make you a more upstanding person. I married my husband when I was 19. I was in college then and I still take courses on the side. My husband is a college graduate. We now have 3 children but our lives are great. We are financially stable and our children don't miss a thing. While education is very important, I think sometimes the wrong emphasis is placed on such things. I think this article is a great testimony to people who are mature and work hard. I'm just thankful I will have an extra few years to "grow old" with my husband.
Monday 21 December
By Amanda
I am 18 and my husband is 20. We got married in October of this year. So we are newlyweds. No, I am not pregnant and we don't plan to become pregnant. And guess what... we are both is college. Just because you get married early does not mean you have to have kids or you can't finish school. I find it easier to do the work and get things finished w/ him encouraging me and giving me the strength to finish college. I am going for Physical Therapy.. not the easiest degree by far. And we are very much in love.
Monday 21 December
By marriberri
College is not everything. There are plenty of jobs and other career paths that do not involve college. Education is always a sure path and you will never lose but that not is for everyone. Basically, this couple is of a different mind-set than you. To you, living means to fulfill all your wants first, then commit to someone who may ask you to alter these wants. There is nothing wrong with a little self-interest but this couple believed living life meant to make each other happy and make the necessary sacrafices to succeed (that is in life and love). It's just a matter of when one is willing to sacrafice all their wants.
Monday 21 December
By Kim
I have to comment that I got married at 17 and we had our son the following year in 2002. I was an early highschool graduate and my husband has been in the military (active duty) and still is for his 13th year. Marriage and family not including deployments alone delayed school a bit but my husband now has his BBA and working on his MBA and I am working on my Pre Med studies, Just because we married young and have a, and by a, I mean 1 child doesn't mean you cannot continue to strive for your own personal goals. You grow together as a family and it is a very interesting journey that makes us stronger everyday. I hope this is helpful to you.
Monday 21 December
By Lindsay
Charlotte,
Is your boyfriend is college, too? My husband is 7 yrs older than me, allowing him to have a career before I finished college, so it wasn't a big deal for us to get married while I was still finishing up school. Everyone warned against it, but it honestly worked out for the best for us. He could take care of the finances while I focused on my schooling. If your boyfriend is still in school, I would suggest waiting to get married until one of you is finished (it does take money to be married and have a roof over your head), but as long as one of you as a full-time job, it's definitely do-able.
Monday 21 December
By pushover
i didnt go to college. i make almost 80k a year and have a bunch of college graduates at my disposal. being a college graduate honestly means nothing anymore other than you can drink lots of beer and come home with overpriced fraternity shirts. im so tired of people throwing college in other peoples faces.
Monday 21 December
By Anna
I applaud you wanting to finish school first, but having been through the school route (mostly unmarried - the same as you) I want to point out something I learned. If you need help paying for school, being married gives you more "points" so to speak with government financial aid.
I'm not saying someone should get married just to go to school. But if a couple is discussing getting married and one or both of them is in school, it is something to consider. Especially if they need help with paying for school.
Friday 18 December
By richelle
I love this. My mom was 18 and my dad was 22 when they got married, and not because of a pregnancy either (I came over a year later, lol) and it's been over thirty years and they are still happily married.
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Friday 18 December
By Mister Nobody News
It's a wonderful article and I couldn't agree more with the author. The comments on this post are interesting, of course, because they reflect everyone's hopes and fears. The person who stated they were trying to finish college before getting married for instance believes that one can't be both spouse and student. Others have commented that being married it wonderful and they just love it. My two cents are that marriage is what you make of it and it should not be held to anyone elses standard other than you and your spouse. If you cant be a spouse and a student you should ask yourself why? If marriage is constantly blissful also ask yourself why? The life you share with your spouse is something that should be a benefit to both parties but it is always a "working" relationship which means if you are always happy than someone's hiding something....
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Friday 18 December
By Danaé
My husband and I got married this year just before both of our 21st birthdays, relatively young by most standards. And we felt that "too young" judgement in the ways a lot of people looked at us when we said we were engaged. We are both students finishing our last year of university, both financially stable and not in debt, and we both work hard and are looking to do grad school next September.
I hated then, when people said "Congratulations" while at the same time looking at me like I was ruining any future I had. It was nice to read your article and hear some similar sentiments. I complete agree with you that marriage is not an age-dependent thing (with some exceptions of course). We were ready at 20, some aren't until they are 30 or 40 or 50. It really depends on the couple and how much you are willing to work together.
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Saturday 19 December
By becca
I am so happy to see this! My parents are against being married before hitting your mid 20s, no kids before 30s. I just turned eighteen, and am happily engaged :) We are saving up for a wedding now--so no date--but i hate the idea that love should be restricted by age. thank you for posting this :D
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Monday 21 December
By JACKIE
I read all your comments on getting married young. But it seems to me that none of you have actually been married that long. I've been married for 30 years, and I can tell you that we didn't get married young I was almost 30 when we married. I'm glad that I personally had the oppertunaty to be young and stay up and party with friends, I enjoyed being young and just worrying about just myself, guess that makes me selfish. When I did meet my husband we dated 3 years neither one of us wanted to rush into a marriage. my advice and no one asked for it , is to take your time and enjoy being young, have fun, party, travel, be your own person before you give your vows to another
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Monday 21 December
By Kevin Powell
My husband and I married when I had just turned 19 and he had just turned 20. He worked while I went to school. After I graduated, he started his own business and I taught school. We were young enough to not worry about the odds being against us! In May we will celebrate our 36th wedding anniversary. So I guess it worked! By the way, our only child is in college now. I am kind of glad he hasn't met that 'special someone' yet, but, if he does, I am all for him getting married young also!
Monday 21 December
By me
not everyone enjoys having that lifestyle.
Monday 21 December
By nicoleros
i got married at 18, right out of high school. we met online in 2 very different states. moved to one state and get married a few weeks after i had arrived. it is hard when ur family doesnt support u. some of my family disowened me. others were very disappointed in me saying im smarter then that and have my whole life ahead of me. Girls if u love him that much and can heart the fact that ur family just might not approve, its up to you. both of u in the end. we have been married for 6years now and we have 1 child, hes our one and only. i walked through crap and passed, everyday is something more to look forward too. its not easy but it can be a blessing.
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