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First Amy Dickinson told an advice-seeking reader that she was a "victim of [her] own awful judgment" for getting drunk then getting raped. Now the advice columnist for the Chicago Tribune wants us to feel bad for her. Dickinson has been bombarded with outrage from readers since her Ask Amy column ran Nov. 27, but she'd largely stepped back from responding until an email from one reader apparently hit too close to the mark.
Washington City Paper's The Sexist got hold of two emails -- one written to Dickinson and the columnist's response.
Said the reader: "If the lady who wrote to you asking for help never gave consent and thus had sex against her will (see 1) OR if she was too incapacitated by alcohol to legally consent (see 2), she most certainly was raped and she should know that the law is on her side, even if you aren't."
Dickinson's response? "... how dare you call me a rape apologist. I see you are a student or affiliated in some way with [law school]? I would expect someone from [law school] to be more educated, careful, respectful and circumspect. I'm not sure why I would expect that, but I'll adjust. Meanwhile, I don't pass inanities along to people who write in to my column. I figure this young person has suffered enough indignity."
Well, Ms. Dickinson, we'd expect someone handing out advice in a national forum to be more educated, careful, respectful and circumspect. Especially when talking about rape.
As she obviously needs a refresher, a rape apologist is anyone who buys into the myth that rapists can be provoked into raping based on what the victim does or not do. It's blaming the victim, pure and simple, which is what you did in paragraph three of your "advice" wherein you stated, "Getting drunk at a frat house is a hazardous choice for anyone to make because of the risk (some might say a likelihood) that you will engage in unwise or unwanted sexual contact."
"Unwanted sexual contact" is a gussied up way of saying "rape," correct? And you noted that getting drunk at a frat house is directly linked to it?
Sounds like a rape apology to us.
And although Dickinson finally responded on Tuesday in her column to one of her disturbed readers, her excuse that "I certainly didn't intend to offend or blame her for what happened," doesn't hold water.
Why? Because she had to throw a zinger in there: "I hope she will do everything possible to stay safe in the future."
Because it couldn't possibly be anyone's fault but the girl's, right?
Think Dickinson got it wrong? Sign the Tell Amy Dickinson to Correct Her Rape Victim Blaming Advice Column petition.
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Friday 11 December
By Peter
As many have pointed out, this is a two-pronged situation, and screaming the PC line just doesn't cut it. Of course the rape isn't justified and the rapist should be prosecuted. But to say that the young lady didn't act foolishly in putting herself in this situation just doesn't make any sense. No, she is not legally responsible for her own rape. But if I were her father, I'd put her over my knees and spank her. Ooops, forget that. That would be fodder for another PC column, I'm afraid, and the lady who wrote the story we're commenting on would probably want me thrown into jail.
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Friday 11 December
By Judy Rocha
PLEASE!!! Women stop being sooooo stupid. We're lifting our blouses for girls gone wild, were sexting pics of our naked bodies, we're boozing it up in bars getting obviously falling down drunk, we're sleeping with our boyfriend's best friend, we're sleeping with married men, we're wearing bracelets that tell everyone we give B_ _ _ J_ _ _ _, we're taking money for sex acts. Nuff said about how stupid we can be. We are not responsible for what anyone does, rape, slap, hit, mental abuse, slander. Now exactly what did this idiot think was gonna happen as she walked up to that bedroom, did she think she would see lit candles all over the room, rose petal thrown around about, a picnic blanket laid out on the bed with wine and cheese. (oh! and don't forget the single rose in a beautiful vase. Mmmm, or was she just thinking of how she might please this guy or how cool she was probably looking to the other party goers who watched them walk away hand in hand to the bedroom. Or was she thinking of what she would tell her friends the next day, making it out to be something beautiful (and not the sleazy thing it was). I am not a regular reader of Amy Dickinson, but instead of targeting your anger on this woman why don't you put your obvious free time and expertise in civil rights (we have the right to act anyway we want to, say anything we want to, treat our kids anyway we want to, to good use and travel around to colleges and high school where the girls are really "going wild" and teach them how to respect themselves. We're gonna a get raped, whether we are 50 and sitting on a couch watching tv, or 19 wearing a mini skirt coming out of a club. Take a minute and think about what you can do to protect yourself, if this girl was lying on a bed fooling around (granted she wasn't tied up) when things got rough how far do you think he could've have gotten with mace in his eyes. NO! she said "remember I told you no sex ok" as she's sitting there skirt around her waste.OMG!!!! PLEASE WOMEN STOP BEING SOOOOO STUPID!!!!!!!
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Friday 11 December
By Melissa
I guess you were there watching it huh since you seem to know what went on.
Friday 11 December
By Susan
I was not offended either. I think her point is that all young women need to be careful and make sure to take precautions themselves so that the likelihood of this happening is lessened. Getting drunk at a frat party, a bar, or anywhere else makes you vulnerable. While it does not make it right for any man to take advantage of you, young women need to be smarter about this and not put themselves in these positions. No one can know whether some unscrupulous person is going to be there to take advantage of you when you choose to get drunk. So use common sense when drinking - don;t accept a drink from a stranger, don't leave your drink unattended, keep your wits about you and drink in moderation.
Would this same situation have occurred if this young girl had not been drunk? Probably not.
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Friday 11 December
By Nora
Amy Dickinson's mistake was pointing out the girl's poor judgment first, before noting the man's guilt.
Ms. Dickinson did clearly state that if the girl did not give consent (and she didn't), then she was raped, and she advised the girl to seek medical and legal help.
One should be able to go to a party or bar, and have fun, but the reality is that when a person gets drunk, it makes that person vulnerable to others. That was Ms. Dickinson's point. If a person is so incapacitated that she cannot think clearly or is semi- or unconscious, then she cannot defend herself from someone trying to take advantage of her.
The act IS rape and the man is the guilty party. Whenever possible we women need to avoid putting ourselves in situations that make us vulnerable to those who would be willing to do such a terrible thing. Why take that risk?
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Monday 14 December
By Bob
Nora, the whole concept of rape is beyond me. To blame this poor woman is beyond excuse. I am now 61 years old and I have wanted to have sex since my earliest memories of puberty, but I have never in my life taken the word no to mean anything other then no. I have been with women who may have had a little too much to drink, but I have never taken advantage of that situation. I think that any man who does is not a man at all. I don't care if the woman is passed out and won't remember a thing. It is still rape! Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I believe that men now think that it is okay to get someone drunk and take advantage or believe the hype that this advisor is saying that it was all her fault. That must mean it is okay to rape someone who is incapassitate, Right? Sorry Amy, Wrong answer. Duh? Did I just get slapped up the side of the head and discover that it was a perfect world out there? We all are at risk every single day! Sometimes we put a little more risk in there then we should, but that in no way justifies gettting robbed, raped or injured. This woman was raped period! I don't care what the conditions were. Too much booze, to little clothing or maybe a little too much flirting. It was still rape.
Friday 11 December
By aol reader
To the people who are so bitter towards the author, did you read the article before posting your hateful comments? The author did not give a rape apology. She said "Were you a victim? Yes." and "No matter what -- no means no. If you say no beforehand, then the sex shouldn't happen. If you say no while its happening, then the sex should stop." and also "See a counselor to determine how you want to approach this. You must involve the guy in question in order to determine what happened and because he absolutely must take responsibility and face the consequences for his actions, just as you are prepared to do. He may have done this before." As you can see, she is not saying it was not rape or that she caused it. Only that she put herself in harms way by getting drunk at a frat party. She even said "First of all, thank you. I hope your letter will be posted on college bulletin boards everywhere." In the hopes that other college girls don't get in the same situation.
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Friday 11 December
By Michael
I don't understand why everyone is so upset? What don't you know about how Liberals think? What can I say, she's dispicable, and the Chicago Tribune is a cess pool full of air heads!
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Friday 11 December
By Matt
blame schmame... who cares. It seems EVERYONE wants someone to blame for the irrresponsibility of thier own actions. O.K. It was rape.... DUH!!! But ya don't blame the whale for killing the cute little penguin. Men are pigs.. Drunk men are worse. And I am a man. DO NOT put yourself in a BAD situation and try to BLAME SOMONE ELSE! Its a wonder this sad sack of crap hasn't tried to sue the columnist for money because HEY!. .SOMEONE'S GOTTA PAY!! GROW UP!
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Friday 11 December
By Lisa
Obviously Ms. Dickinson has never been raped. If she had - she may have had some compassion - some understanding. To try to put blame on the victim is totally unacceptable and very irresponsible. Is standing at a bus stop risky behavior? Is sleeping in your own bed risky behavior? Hell - being a woman is "risky" behavior. As awful as her response was - I still wouldn't wish RAPE on her. It ruins you. But then she might understand.
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Friday 11 December
By Karen
I agree with her advice. To paraphrase my mom, it's the rapist's fault, but the young women is still traumatized, when she could have avoided the whole deal by being smarter. And the law student who says the law is on the women's side obviously hasn't gotten to the Florida Kennedy rape case, where the judge said there is no rape if the woman is too drugged to remember the action. Grown-ups-you must teach your daughters, nieces, etc. how to watch out for themselves! By the time "the law" gets involved, it's too late!
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Friday 11 December
By Stephanie
This is absolutely ridiculous. Every night millions of young girls go to frat parties where alcohol is being passed around like candy. If you feel justified to say that she shouldn't have put herself in that position then why couldnt' the same logic be applied to walking home alone at night??? Just because someone drinks does not mean they deserve what they get, it's still rape! Being a former college student myself, these instances were unfortunately common but it's knowing what do to when this happens and it's having great friends that are always by your side. You can't stop young female college students from drinking but you can teach them to be observant and never go alone.
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Tuesday 22 December
By loe
The columnist said the right thing, if the law allows drunk women to press charges against men and send them to Jail for rape then the law is wrong. This blaming the victim cry is so lame, stupid, and completely emotinal, ignoring the obvious. First off it makes another person responsible for another persons actions. She was drunk! and had sex while drunk therefore the other person is a rapist? If she was against her will intoxicated then she can claim no resposibility. Secondly, it's her word against his and she's drunk at the time, how can her testimony hold up in court, how do you know she wasn't the aggressor. She shouldn't have gotten drunk at a frat house. Stop treating women like their these perpetual children that need to be protected from their own foolishness. You don't walk into a male prison naked as a woman then come out 2 days later talking about how you were molested. That would be foolish because that's the very definition of an un wise choice, but getting drunk at a frat house and getting drunk at a guys house or going to his room and jumping in his bed after midnight is unwise if you want to get through the night unmolested. People need to stop giving women a free pass when they have a responsibility that every human on this planet has, and that's to make sure you protect yourself.
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Friday 11 December
By p c williams
she is not qualified or capable of giving advice unless it is to one of her own and i pity them for having a mom who is such a tool!!!!!
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Friday 11 December
By Sara
The people who are not offended have not been through something like this. YOU DON"T KNOW. You couldn't possibly know how this affects someones life. Do you not think the victim already blames themselves. They do..over and over again. Telling someone after the fact that they should have been more responsible for their actions does not help, but in fact adds to the incredible trauma that they are already going through.
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Friday 11 December
By s
it is the girls fault!
if you're incapable of thinking straight and not being able to defend yourself it's your own damn fault.
she put herself in the situation and nothing's going to change what happened.
yea, it sucks that some guy you didnt want to have sex with had sex with you. but now you know to not get drunk at a frat party.
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Friday 11 December
By Stephanie
I completely agree! Obviously she is not thinking about the people she is giving advice to, only herself.
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Saturday 12 December
By Wendy Thursby
This advice columnist lacks perspective completely. It is difficult to remain safe as a woman. You can walk tall, ever vigilant, be trained defensively and still ,at some point in time, trust the wrong person to be safe with you. Your advice, at this point, to the victim--is mundane and incredibly obvious. Who is in charge of these frat parties? If boys can be so out of control ("boys will be boys") then why are they allowed to happen in the first place? There is a basic devaluation of women ongoing in this society. Everyone is subjected to that. It numbs most everyone, it seems. Be sensitive, be gentle, be kind to this victim. She just experienced and learned some awful truths about human behavior. Hopefully, she will heal and advocate at some point.
Friday 11 December
By Jay
I remember a few occasions where really hot girls had to much to drink at parties at my house when I was a teen and young twenty. I remember one who was half naked and boy was she beautifull. I covered them up with blankets, gave them a pillow,made sure they were ok thru the night so they could sleep it off. I never and the other guys at the party never and would never had sex with them in that condition. Not because it's 'illegal' but because it wasint "Right". Amazing that we even have to talk about these things.
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Friday 11 December
By Janet
Wow! How inconsiderate you are, and obviously blissfully naive about rape. First and foremost the rape survivor always blames herself, it takes time to heal and sort out your feelings. Then, and only then are you able to see it is not in any way, shape or form, your fault. Do you really think this woman needed to be told she put herself in a dangerous situation? I highly doubt it, she is living a nightmare and pointing out that it was some how her fault was downright cruel.
Does frat house + party + drinking = rape? If so, am I also to assume young boy + priest = molestation? No wonder rapes are so under reported in this country! It's so much easier to blame the woman, isn't it? Keep this in mind, that rapist could be your new neighbor, mailman, co-worker, you name it. Think about that the next time your daughter, wife, or girlfriend walks out the door alone, Oh, and don't forget to check if she is properly dressed and not enticing anyone.
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