Here's the deal: I've been single for a while now. I've had relationships on and off during the past few years, but for the most part, things didn't work out and it's caused me to do some thinking. Relationships always start off with that honeymoon-phase spark. You think the other person is absolutely perfect and can do no wrong, but once things calm down a bit, you start to realize all the things that annoy and aggravate you.
So, in the interest of full disclosure, I've decided to chronicle several of the things that make me a bad boyfriend. This way, once we start dating and things go terribly wrong, I can at least say I warned you.
I Hate Your Dog
Let's just get the worst one out of the way. I'm just not a dog person. When we start dating, I will pretend to like your dog. I know how much you love the little guy, so I'll play nice. However, I will get secretly annoyed every time you can't sleep over because you have to let him out. Not to mention your dog's other qualities -- the weird smell, poor bowel control and the tendency to destroy household items when left alone.
I'm the Sweaty Guy on the Dance Floor
I can see it now: We've been dating a few months, and we're at your cousin's wedding reception. There's a handful of people dancing, but I'm the hot, sweaty mess waving his jacket in the air like a helicopter. Some girls complain that their boyfriends never want to dance. You will have the opposite problem with me. When the inevitable Facebook photos start popping up, I'm the one people ask about. "Looks like fun, but who was that gyrating, red-faced, bearded dude?" Me.I Am a DVR Cheater
If we date, it's inevitable that we'll have our one night a week where we stay in to make dinner and watch "our show." One time, though, you're going to have a conflict with our TV night. I'll say, "No worries! We'll just DVR it and watch it later together." But here's the thing -- when you're gone, I'm gonna watch the show. By myself. Because I have no patience. Then, when you come over the next night, I'm going to pretend I didn't watch it and act surprised at all the important plot twists.
I'm a Hopeless Fashion Case
Each of my past girlfriends has eventually tried to influence my fashion choices. This is due, in part, to the fact that I wear more or less the same thing every day: dark jeans, a cowboy shirt and a black hoodie. Sometimes I like to switch it up and wear a black band T-shirt. You never have to worry about things matching when you wear all black, right?
I Legitimately Enjoy the Music of Taylor Swift
I pride myself on my musical tastes. I read Pitchfork
, and I check out new bands and go to shows. But I also have a dark side: I love cheesy pop music. In my car stereo, alongside Bon Iver and Fleet Foxes, you will find Taylor Swift's new album, which I listen to completely non-ironically. You may be thinking, That's not so bad.
You might even like Taylor Swift, but I guarantee you that when you're sitting in the passenger seat while I'm singing along to "You Belong With Me" at the top of my lungs, your opinion will change.
I Won't Change My Facebook Relationship Status
Look, there's a time and a place where you announce your romantic intentions in front of all your friends and family members you barely see; it's called a wedding. We don't need to go putting all our business out there for everyone to see on Facebook. Call me a "glass half-empty" kinda guy, but unless you're the above-mentioned Taylor Swift, the odds are that someday down the road we'll break up, and then every single person I know will cringe when they see that "Phil is now single" announcement on their news feed. No one needs that. Especially me. So it's just not going to happen.
Phil Williams lives in Richmond, Va., and strives for Internet-celebrity status here and at philhasablog.com.