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Your family is nuts. You know it, they know it, and by God if you bring anyone along with you, they're definitely going to know it. But somehow, you always arrive for the holidays expecting the best. Maybe it's the smell of delicious food, the idea of spending time with loved ones or some secret wish deriving from a Hallmark Channel movie.

Whatever it is, it quickly disappears as soon as Nana can't find her teeth, the men drank too much beer before dinner, and someone makes a comment about your love life (or lack thereof.) Here's a list of what to expect, and how to keep from going to jail for stabbing someone at the dinner table (yourself included).

1) If you bring home a significant other, you can expect the talk to turn to marriage vows. "So, how long have you guys been serious?" "This is the first time Sarah's brought someone home, you know. You must certainly be special." Or the classic: "You know, I was just Sarah's age when Bill proposed."

How to cope: Announce your engagement. Everyone will congratulate you, you'll be the center of attention for the night and you'll piss off the cousin you can't stand. Sucker. Besides, you know this probably isn't going to last anyway.

2) You just met your cousin's girlfriend. You hate her. From her holier-than-thou attitude, the way she calls you hun, and their PDA at the dinner table -- all of it makes you want to barf. You even hate her side dish. (We do sweet potatoes with marshmallows in this family, thank you.)

How to cope: Stab her with a fork. Kidding. That's too messy. Try slipping in side comments that make her uncomfortable and rave about his last girlfriend's cooking mastery. Have a serious discussion with your cousin later, while she's trying to impress everyone by doing the dishes.

3) Your grandma is going to be the nuttiest one in the room. From her comments about your dating life to her reminiscing about the good ol' days, she's just one step away from the crazy granny in "Wedding Crashers."

How to cope: Record her crazy stories. This will make good material for any future creative endeavor.

4) You can expect your 16-year-old cousin to be too cool for anyone, and to make it known. You'll see him sitting silently in the corner, texting and listening to his iPod full of hardcore music, making a comment about all the "little kids" running around.

How to cope: Call him "kiddo." Pat his head. Talk about your love of Britney Spears. Reminisce about the days when he would play with Barbies. Watch him squirm.

5) Why does your 17-year-old cousin have a better sex life than you do? Her phone is blowing up and she talks to you (are you cool now?) about the three guys whom she's "hooking up with." She explains why she broke up with Jake and how's she's all about keeping it casual these days. Wait, is that a tongue piercing?

How to cope: Keep it cool. Listen. Hell, maybe you'll learn something. Then remind yourself that she's 17. If you're religious, make a date to take her church.

6) Your cousin made it into college this year, thank God. A liberal arts major, you can expect him come to dinner totally stoned and talking about countries in Africa you haven't even heard of.

How to cope: Tell him the shoes he's wearing were made by sweatshops in Latin America. Encourage him to follow his heart and become a documentary filmmaker and leave the country. If he succeeds, you'll be related to someone worth bragging about. If he doesn't, well, at least you won't see him next year.

7) Your mom and aunt, after cooking all day, will soon bust out the wine in the kitchen and commence giggling and remembering their teenage years.

How to cope: Grab a glass and join them.

8) You won't get the wishbone. You're even too old to play.

How to cope: Those things never work anyway. You're too mature for that BS. Eat another piece of pie.

9) Your married, expectant cousin will hint at marriage for you, talking about her husband's best friend whom you'd be perfect with.

How to cope: Talk about all the fun you have being single. Remind yourself that you're not going to be gaining 30 lbs. anytime soon and that you don't have to ask before going out to get sloshed with the girls. Oh, the things to be thankful for!