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Today's question is about how to handle a boyfriend who keeps trying to have anal sex and gets pouty when it doesn't happen.
Tricia89 wants to know if this situation is weird, and Cary McNeal (hilarious that he's known as the "Wise-Ass" on GuySpeak) is on deck to let her know that no, it's not weird for her not to want to have anal sex, and no, it's not weird that her boyfriend gets angry when she refuses. It's selfish, he is quick to point out, but not weird. Most of us can't imagine a world where anyone would be OK with something going up the down escalator. Both Cary and I are sympathetic to your feelings.
Guy/girl couples around the globe have all experienced the wordless struggle known as "the dolphin", where a guy, accidentally or intentionally, aims for the wrong hole and the girl makes the dolphin-like noise of negation. This is a very sensitive area.
Cary thinks that you should discuss this matter outside of the bedroom, and I think that's a fantastic idea. He suggests letting him know how you feel about anal sex, apologizing for your stance, and telling him sweetly but firmly to stop pressuring you to have it while you're mid-romp. If your boyfriend doesn't comply with your wishes, Cary advises to stop sleeping with him until he shapes up, which I love because it is the go-to punishment that all guys recommend for their platonic girl buddies having relationship troubles.
I must say that I am of two minds about your situation, Tricia89. Let me show you:
The knee-jerk feminist side of me is rather alarmed that this man repeatedly attempts to do something to you sexually that he knows you don't like, and then has the gall to be angry when you refuse. The sex life you build with your boyfriend should be vulnerable, hot, safe, and fun, and it should belong to both of you.
Constantly wondering if he's going to breach security flies in the face of everything that intimacy should be. Being in a relationship where this is a normal behavior may not be healthy for you.
However, the seasoned, grown-up me has a few questions, though. Why is it that you're so against anal? Please do not misunderstand: If you have tried it and truly hate it, I am not suggesting that you just give in. But I am suggesting you explore all your options. Is it the physical discomfort? The sheer idea of it?
Is this about anal sex, or about just trying something new and freaky in the bedroom? Talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you're more than willing to work with him to spice up your sex life, but that you want it to be a joint effort and not just something he wants that you don't.
Do some research on anal and any other fun sexual adventures you can think of, maybe at a porn store together, and make this situation something that's fun for both of you, rather than a weird battle line that's drawn on your ass.
OK, now it's your turn to sound off on the guy advice and the girl advice. Have you ever had a man try to attempt a sex act you hated? Have you had any anal escapades? What would you do in this situation?
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Wednesday 30 December
By flo-bo
Scott - i find your argument really quite confusing. For the first half I thought you were speaking against the change in recent years that may have made anal and other sexual acts more socially acceptable (tho not necessarily more prevelant.. I just read James Joyce's fabulously filthy love letters earlier today and he and his wife were doing all this and more back in 1909 they just weren't blogging about it! http://johnhamilton.us/2/jamesjoyceletters.htm ) But then you end by arguing that a woman should be prepared to try it to keep her husband (against the threat that he will go elsewhere!) I'm a big fan of anal but I also very strongly believe that if there is one place you should never be forced or feel obliged to do anything you do not enjoy it is in bed with your lover.. the main problem this woman has is not anal, but her partners lack of consideration for her feelings on the matter.. In this situation she has no obligation to give him 'a couple of opportunities to get it right' as if he can't be trusted to not try opportunistically he definitely cannot be trusted to take the time and care needed to make it an enjoyable experience for her. Good anal sex can only happen if you can totally trust your partner to put care for your wellbeing above his excitement at getting to try it and be able to take things very slowly and even pull out if needed. If the guy is untrustworthy enough that she can;t stop him trying to 'surprise' her with it, there is no way he is trustworthy enough to make it a good experience for her.
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Wednesday 30 December
By flo-bo
Scott - i find your argument really quite confusing. For the first half I thought you were speaking against the change in recent years that may have made anal and other sexual acts more socially acceptable (tho not necessarily more prevelant.. I just read James Joyce's fabulously filthy love letters earlier today and he and his wife were doing all this and more back in 1909 they just weren't blogging about it! http://johnhamilton.us/2/jamesjoyceletters.htm ) But then you end by arguing that a woman should be prepared to try it to keep her husband (against the threat that he will go elsewhere!) I'm a big fan of anal but I also very strongly believe that if there is one place you should never be forced or feel obliged to do anything you do not enjoy it is in bed with your lover.. the main problem this woman has is not anal, but her partners lack of consideration for her feelings on the matter.. In this situation she has no obligation to give him 'a couple of opportunities to get it right' as if he can't be trusted to not try opportunistically he definitely cannot be trusted to take the time and care needed to make it an enjoyable experience for her. Good anal sex can only happen if you can totally trust your partner to put care for your wellbeing above his excitement at getting to try it and be able to take things very slowly and even pull out if needed. If the guy is untrustworthy enough that she can;t stop him trying to 'surprise' her with it, there is no way he is trustworthy enough to make it a good experience for her.
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Wednesday 30 December
By flo-bo
whoops - sorry for repetition.... :0/
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Friday 01 January
By frankenberry
don't worry about it. he'll find someone who likes it.
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Saturday 02 January
By Wyrd
';-; I keep explaining to my husband that it is not "physical discomfort", but searing pain. We've only done it a VERY few times, and he's never forced it, but he asks constantly, despite the fact I've cried every time and once bled just a bit as a result.
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Friday 10 June
By KFT
My husband lately has been constantly pressuring me to have anal sex. We have been married 14 years - 10 year ago I agreed to and we tried it maybe a dozen times. I cried EVERY time, HATED IT. Finally he promised to stop asking. Things were good until the last 6 months- apparently the statute has lifted.
It has reached the point he is withholding ALL sex from me until I consent. I don't know what to do. I do not want to lose my marriage over this but I am not changing my mind. If I have neer tried it I may consider differently, but I did try it, and more than once. No means no.
Saturday 02 January
By 23Girl
well, I thought that anal sex would hurt, and I would bleed.. stuff like that..
the fact is that when I look at my poop (yes... my caca), sometimes is as big as my boyfriend penis... So I came to the conclusion that it fits
So, we tried... and after several attempts... he could penetrate only half of his penis (it's 20 centimeters, it's a big stick...), but I felt no hurt or pain at all... actually it was kinda of interesting...
So, I'm really excited to try again... =)
If you tried and you feel pain, then you are doin' it WRONG, girl...! Thousands of chicks doesnt feel pain, so the problem is with you... not with the type of sex...
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Saturday 02 January
By Mick deWitt
Somewhat surprisingly, the mature porno star Ron Jeremy had a very comprehensive article on how to make a woman comfortable with anal-sorry, but I don't have a link. From what I recall, some of his main points were giving her an orgasm another way first, to relax her; always lots of lube, and start with something small first, then work your way up-if need be forget about your penis the first time, just a finger, then two, very slowly. I recall several women commenting on it saying it was very good...and true.
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Friday 15 January
By Oxnardman
Iv'e never got any girl anal, Iv'e given some licks down there but no luck even though I could see those licks really gets them hot
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Monday 18 January
By Gary
I am definitely not gay and I definitely love to take it up the ass. I also love to give it, but, frankly, on the giving it side, it's fingering her anus while sucking her clit that is best; I just love to have her cum over and over like that. Similarly for me, giving me oral while using a dildo on me is absolutely fantastic! It's all about trust, closeness, and relaxation.
G
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Thursday 04 February
By input (pun intended)
i had a boyfriend like this. i, like emily, had the initial reaction that he was a dick for pressuring me, but then, again like emily, realized maybe i needed to at least try it out. after all, we had tried other stuff together, so why not this? (i think something about anal sex pisses feminists off more because it seems somehow more invasive and derogatory.) anyway, we finally tried it, but i was so convinced i wouldn't like it/something would go wrong that i just lied there. it was totally unenjoyable. but i think that was my fault partially (after all, if i just lied there during vaginal sex, i probly wouldn't have much fun with that either). but, it wasn't the terrible horrible thing i thought it would be. so in conclusion, i would advise all those fearing anal sex with their boyfriends to at least try it, and, when you do try it, try to enjoy it. have fun!
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Saturday 06 February
By harleyhoney
Anal sex to me is better than vaginal sex. Now don't get me wrong, it took years and years, (I'm talking like 20 years of my husband trying to get me into it). I had tried it once before with him and it hurt so bad that I never wanted to do it again. But we were very young and didn't know all we do now about taking it slow, fingers first, lubrication etc. It gives me the kind of orgasm I could never get with vaginal, there are so many nerve endings in the ass. Even just inserting a finger slowly inside is pleasurable. Once you work into having a penis inside, (again, very slowly and very wet) getting your ass stretched out enough to take the penis you can take it very deep. I prefer doggy style, so I can massage my clit while he takes me from behind but once we get into it, OMG... fucking amazing!!! Enough that I get tears in my eyes from how good it feels.
You've got to have an understanding man, who will take his time to get you ready for it but damn, the payoff is so worth it for him (and you) if he will just take the time for the preperation.
Don't take my word for it, try it for yourself, for me I'd rather have it than vaginal. Plus when you are menstruating you can use a tampon in the vagina and let him take you in the ass. Just a thought!
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Wednesday 17 February
By David
I think anal can be very erotic, however some girls/women just are not into it. Just like some women won't do oral(go figure). The real fact is that the internet promotes anl like it is an evryday thing but I caution listen to Drew Pinsky MD on the anals of having anal!!!! If your girl won't do it no biggy find another way to get each other off!! Anal is not for everyone and can also be extremely messy and unromantic. Move on women are one big errogenous zone!!!!!
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Tuesday 27 July
By cupcakez
anal sex is not bad at all if you do it right, lots of lube and if you have talked about outside of the bedroom there shouldn't be any issues..my bf and i had tried a few times without lube and it just didn't work very well..we talked about because i knew it was something he wanted to try and I do love to keep my man happy. I really enjoy anal sex, we don't do it every time we have sex but it is nice every once in a while. open your minds a little bit ladies :)
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Thursday 05 August
By privatecitizen
cyberfool-
I agree with all, except that the man should wait to really get into it after the woman orgasms. I am a female, and love anal. I orgasm not only in my vagina, but my anus as well. While I am quite excited and open leading up to orgasm, once I do peak, and the muscle finishes pulsing, then it starts to close up again, and if it goes on much longer, it becomes painful. I suggest the ladies take an active frontal play role on themselves as it is going on, and try to delay orgasm until the man is just about there.
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Sunday 15 August
By Steve Shepp...
Mildly drunk one night. Tina more so, went into the bedroom and came put with her toy firmly attached. A couple more beers and I passed out. Next thing I remember was taking it up the pipe!! Afterwards she let me do her when I want. Now I know and when she sais it hurts...
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Monday 16 August
By craig christ
my girl dident like it at first but over time she has grown to like it my ex loved it so i was used to getting it if she would have said you first i would have said yes just to get her to do it it may take time to get to like it never say never
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Saturday 04 September
By aaaaaa
im sorry but a lot of guys are really big assholes about it. Ive had guys "accidentally" try this on me too. And I am not below kneeing someone in the balls if they happen to do this to me "accidentally". Dump him.
Seriously, dump him. Any guy that doesn't respect your wish to not do it, ESPECIALLY since you actually even tried it and didnt like it, doesnt respect you.
And frankly, for me a guy that wants to experiment anal on me should accept the fact that I'm going to experiment it on him. Thats my litmus test for men that are "experimental". If youre truly expecting me to do something I dont want to do because I should be "open-minded" then they should be open-minded. If they're not open minded, there's no reason for me to be.
My rule when it comes to anal sex is, if theyre not even willing to accept my finger in theirs, theyre certainly not putting theirs in mine. All of these guys are into anal sex not just because its biological but because theyve seen too many porn flicks. This is certainly not a reason to comply with them. Actually anal sex for men is not "gay", its pretty pleasurable for men, and on a whole it is more pleasurable for men than women because there's a male "g-spot" there apparantly, or so I've been told. So yeah, I'll break my rigid idea of sex, but only with someone thats actually wiling to experiment, not someone thats into this, I give it you take it stupidity. No, I dont want you near my asshole, asshole.
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Monday 01 August
By Mandi
Ya know what totally pisses me off? When people have the nerve to say, "Do it, even if it hurts you, makes you feel uncomfortable, or you just don't like it. Do it because he WILL find someone who will." First off. That's total, complete, utter bullshit. If he DOES go somewhere else, then good riddance! You're better off. Never do something because of pressure. You'll regret it. I did. I regret it! Further more, sex is supposed to be loving and intimate. Your partner should want you to feel good. You should feel protected, safe, and secure in his arms. If you don't... then there's something wrong. My relationship with my hubby is amazing! He never pressure's me. In fact. It's a turn off for him If I do anything sexually that I don't normally do because I want to be better than his last. By the way, in my previous relationship.. the guy put it in the wrong hole, and it hurt so much I cried. It was pain like I've never felt before. I told myself never again, but since then I've tried it, and liked it, but it's not something I'll do because I'm asked to. I have to want it. If I don't want it, I can't relax, I can't get into it, and it just hurts... imagine feeling like your gonna go number two while in the sack.... yeah.. not cool. Anal is not a requirement, if HE says it is... get rid of the selfish bastard. :)
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