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Today's question is about how to handle a boyfriend who keeps trying to have anal sex and gets pouty when it doesn't happen.
Tricia89 wants to know if this situation is weird, and Cary McNeal (hilarious that he's known as the "Wise-Ass" on GuySpeak) is on deck to let her know that no, it's not weird for her not to want to have anal sex, and no, it's not weird that her boyfriend gets angry when she refuses. It's selfish, he is quick to point out, but not weird. Most of us can't imagine a world where anyone would be OK with something going up the down escalator. Both Cary and I are sympathetic to your feelings.
Guy/girl couples around the globe have all experienced the wordless struggle known as "the dolphin", where a guy, accidentally or intentionally, aims for the wrong hole and the girl makes the dolphin-like noise of negation. This is a very sensitive area.
Cary thinks that you should discuss this matter outside of the bedroom, and I think that's a fantastic idea. He suggests letting him know how you feel about anal sex, apologizing for your stance, and telling him sweetly but firmly to stop pressuring you to have it while you're mid-romp. If your boyfriend doesn't comply with your wishes, Cary advises to stop sleeping with him until he shapes up, which I love because it is the go-to punishment that all guys recommend for their platonic girl buddies having relationship troubles.
I must say that I am of two minds about your situation, Tricia89. Let me show you:
The knee-jerk feminist side of me is rather alarmed that this man repeatedly attempts to do something to you sexually that he knows you don't like, and then has the gall to be angry when you refuse. The sex life you build with your boyfriend should be vulnerable, hot, safe, and fun, and it should belong to both of you.
Constantly wondering if he's going to breach security flies in the face of everything that intimacy should be. Being in a relationship where this is a normal behavior may not be healthy for you.
However, the seasoned, grown-up me has a few questions, though. Why is it that you're so against anal? Please do not misunderstand: If you have tried it and truly hate it, I am not suggesting that you just give in. But I am suggesting you explore all your options. Is it the physical discomfort? The sheer idea of it?
Is this about anal sex, or about just trying something new and freaky in the bedroom? Talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you're more than willing to work with him to spice up your sex life, but that you want it to be a joint effort and not just something he wants that you don't.
Do some research on anal and any other fun sexual adventures you can think of, maybe at a porn store together, and make this situation something that's fun for both of you, rather than a weird battle line that's drawn on your ass.
OK, now it's your turn to sound off on the guy advice and the girl advice. Have you ever had a man try to attempt a sex act you hated? Have you had any anal escapades? What would you do in this situation?
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Monday 07 December
By almost30
For a long time, my boyfriend was enamored with the idea of anal. He'd never tried it, I'd never tried it, so one night, we did...and didn't get very far! It hurt, I dolphined, he stopped. That was enough for us...especially after I told him about the potential (very messy) consequences of anal. So, we have a deal: he can knock on the back door, but not come in.
Maybe you could make a similar deal with your boyfriend. You'll receive anal, if he does first--while you're wearing a strap-on!
Reply
Monday 07 December
By Julie
Any guy who agrees to that is not a guy I want to be dating. I've suggested the strap on to every boyfriend I've had who asked to have anal sex, and they have all refused to let me do it to them. It's kind of a boyfriend-test for me. Not gay? Check!
Sunday 20 December
By Hangnail Horror
You go girl- use a dildo or anything the size of his penis and penetrate him first,
Actually both sexes have a G-spot there and it can be a great experience for both of you. Let him know it doesn't make him gay. But if he whines alot remind him of why you don't wanna do it. Love is not supposed to be painful unless your wearing handcuffs. Anal sex only hurts for about 2 minutes then it's time to rumble.
Thursday 28 January
By Katie
My boyfriend always tries anal when he has had a drink, but i dont like so i just ask him how he would like it if i shuved a dildo up his arse and he backs off lol
Tuesday 23 February
By Elan
I agree that she should figure out why it's a no-go, and go from there. I have tried anal sex with a couple past beaus, and it truly depends on him. His size, how much lube, how he asks or works up to it, and frankly, how he treats you during it. If he's good in all those areas, it can be very enjoyable for a woman, somtimes getting me off simply because I know how much he loves it. This was a particularly special guy, he also loved having a finger or two in his ass, or rubbing his prostrate. And honestly, he was one of the most "manly" guys I've ever dated. (Marine engineer and carpenter)
Monday 07 December
By Caitlin
It's kind of a red flag to me that he tries over and over again when she's made it clear to him that she doesn't want to do it. A guy who won't respect you sexually, no matter how trivial it may seem at the time, is NO GOOD.
Reply
Monday 07 December
By Erin
She said she tried it she doesn't like it. He needs to stop pressuring her. Clearly it's not her thing. This isn't like disliking oral, this is sticking something up a one way hole, you need lots of lube and then you start off super small. One finger at a time, pinky first. If she doesn't like she doesn't like it no amount of shaming or pressuring her is going to suddenly make it comfortable for her. I don't like the guy advice it's one sided. Next time go to Em and Lo, they know alot more and they are women so they are a little more sympathetic about women not being forced into things or coerced by men who clearly know nothing to do it.
Reply
Monday 04 January
By Peter
Well then dont you think that if they go to that site, then it will be just as one sided since they're all women?
Dont falsely promote equality. It gets you in trouble.
Monday 07 December
By Catherine
My experience with anal is this, the man that respects me and I am in love with I allowed to experiment with, although, It was not something I had been asked or expected of in past relationships. My fiance and I are very passionate and open with each other, and we love to please each other in the bedroom. For us, anal is something we do on occassion, when the mood strikes. being the receiver, I must be very relaxed and he must be very gentle. If the moment is perfect the orgasm for us both is very intense, if not, it is nothing but painful. deep penitration is out of the question. So guys, respect her, you wouldnt want anything shoved up your ass, dont expect she would either, it can be as painful as you emagine it would be
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Tuesday 08 December
By King David
Once upon a time there was this dear lady who loved to have sexual experiences with me. We did some things that are only dreams of others, and always out of loving respect for each other. One afternoon we had a "nooner" and as we enjoyed the "spooning process", and rest, things became excited again and soon we were GENTLY trying this act. After a time of gentle touching we finally were in a position of climax - me being so very surprised that she was UNBELIEVABLY into the finality!!! After we ended she said that it was the MOST powerful event that she ever experienced -- and she had a great deal of knowledge! After that she became virtually obsessive due to the powerful ending of the event(s). My last partner was chronically anally raped by her so called "husband" (we later found he was actually gay, and sadistic) so she was not very inclined however just gentle touching and massaging was very productive to her enjoying the event, without any insertion. Just make sure there is a TOTAL clean area, particularly with the touching/massaging idea.
Friday 15 January
By oxnardman
I'm trying to get my girl to try it but she's a little embarrased what should i tell her to cool her
Monday 07 December
By Julia
I have a "you first" rule when it comes to anal. I mean, he's the one with the prostate, so why should I be the first one to take it up the rear?
So far, no one has taken me up on the offer - which is awesome, because it's really not something I think I would be into. Plus, my rule shuts up any further prodding of the issue. Example:
"Man: Hey babe, Anal would be really awesome
Me: You first.
Man: Um, nevermind."
Reply
Tuesday 08 December
By Akima
The guy isn't respecting you or your body to pressure you into something. I'd say find out what he's thinking. If anything, get out of the relationship if things keep up or really punish him till he gives into respecting you and your body. My boyfriend will, maybe, never ask for anel since he says he'll never take anything up the ass. So, personally, I think I have no problems. I say talk to him nice and hard and use those silly 'I' statments to get your point over very well! Good luck!
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Tuesday 08 December
By louise
Anal sex is obviously a turn on to men because the passage is tight and that in itself gives the male more pleasure. The secret to both partners enjoying this particular activity is steady as she goes. The woman has to lubricate herself and him extremely well. Then he has to be very gentle and very slow.
The female partner also has to relax as this is a muscle and if it's tense, then you'll have problems. Just relax and when the female starts to get into it, and she will, it is great sex. It can be as comfortable as regular intercourse, and when the male can penetrate his partner all the way, and both lovers are totally connected, I promise you, you'll do it again.
Just remember to lubricate alot and relax, there's no hurry. The other thing to keep in mind is that it doesn't have to be funky just because it's through the anal passage. I would suggest that the female partner make sure she has voided. Last - if the male partner cannot do it slow, slow,slow, then don't do it as she could end up with physical problems.. That being said, it's really a great feeling and men do like anal sex. They just do. So, keep an open mind and..........That's all folks!
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Tuesday 08 December
By dannyfrom504
god bless you angel. women like you make the world a better place.
Tuesday 08 December
By taught a few
If you man is curious or likes something the woman should try or do it for his pleasure even if she doesn't like it, because what you won't do, another girl will, and if this is something your man likes is curious about or in to, just because you won't do it, don't think he is just going to wait for you to come around or do without. Of course when they break up, she will do it for the next guy without a problem. it is the same way when the first guy tries to convice a girl to give them oral, the first guy has to go through all the bull, then afterwards she is sucking on everything with a pulse, taking it to the face and throat like a pornstar
Reply
Friday 11 December
By Blanquita
Apparently, you have been hurt or something. To suggest that anyone do something they don't want to do because their partner will go seek it somewhere else if they don't....doesn't really do anything for you at all. Talk about about abusing yourself. If you don't like doing something, don't do it...very simple...and if your partner decides to leave and seek it somewhere else....say a big "f-u", keep any gifts that person gave you and move on to someone who will respect you and understand you.
Wednesday 16 December
By Alyssa
What on Earth is wrong with you? How would you feel if your girlfriend, who is supposed to love and respect you, continued to do something that you have clearly expressed you don't want? And it is okay for a women to cheat on a man if he doesn't want to do all the different kinds of sex acts she wants to do? I don't think so. If sex is the only thing that is important to you, go find some whore who will do whatever you ask for. If you want a loving relationship you can't expect your partner to be into everything that you are and do whatever you want "just to please you". Unless you date yourself.
Friday 01 January
By tryit
so true. thats me.
Thursday 20 May
By cantbseriouz
i agree...