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You swore you'd be BFFs til the end of time, but lately the friendship has been heading straight towards a flatline. And when there's no hope for recovery, sometimes it's simply best to pull the plug on the relationship."It's important to recognize that not all friendships last forever," says Dr. Irene S. Levine, professor of psychiatry at NYU and author of "Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend." "They're dynamic and change over time, and two friends don't always change in the right direction." Here, she gives us the how-to on parting ways with your best friend.
Heed the signs.
"When being together feels like it's consistently draining you of energy, it's time to think about ending the friendship," Dr. Levine says. Does your stomach knot up every time she calls to meet up? Does she always leave you hanging when you need her most while you drop everything to be by her side?
Realize that relationships aren't perfect, but if it's become a toxic one filled with mistrust and disagreements rather than movie nights and martinis, it could be creeping toward its expiration date.
Break it down gently.
Remember that you were besties once upon a time, so try to keep the hurt to a minimum. Plus, she might not have a clue that you want out. "Avoid a direct confrontation and don't break up in the heat of an argument," Dr. Levine suggests. "Unless there was a betrayal that you need to talk about openly, step back slowly, seeing less and less of one another."
Expect backlash.
Not only will this affect your ex-buddy, but any mutual friends as well. Let them know that you're no longer BFFs, but hold off on the dirty details. "Try to understand the hurt your friend feels at being dumped without having a say in the matter," Dr. Levine says. "You'd probably feel the same way." And own up to the breakup. "Instead of blaming the other person, assume responsibility for your decision," she adds.
Heal and move on.
Pity parties shouldn't be the only activities on your calendar. "Engage in life with the people and things you enjoy," Dr. Levine suggests. "Try to remember all you're taking away from the relationship and the lessons learned."
Comments:
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Saturday 05 December
By BOB
This was mediocre! I am sorry but you need to know the truth.
Reply
Tuesday 08 December
By ruberta
I agree! This a shallow look at a life-changing event (best friends don't come along every day). Perhaps the term "best friend" can be over-used?
I have three "life long friends", and I dont' always agree with them, don't spend lots of time with them, because we are all mothers, wives, daughters, and involved with church and our work....but we can always know that there is
acceptance and emotional intimacy, regardless of how long it's been since we talked.
Then there are the toxic folks, who don't know how to be positive, and if I have a friend who is dragging me down, and we have lot we don't agree on, then I wouldn't have called that person a "best friend" anyway, because that's a relationship based on time.
I think a better strategy is to spend less time with that person, but wish them well. Explain that you're changing and need space.
If, in my opinion, spending less time with that friend causes him or her to
confront, question, or feel hurt, then it's time to be honest . Acknowledge that everyone is different, you're open to other friendships, and you hope that person can be open to find other friendships too.
Sometimes just realizing your needs and the needs of the other person, can give not only understanding of the dynamics of the relationship, but develop
more communication and trust.
I think trust is the basic factor for a successful relationship.
What do you think?
Tuesday 08 December
By Eve
unless you have been in that place it is hard to understand the terms "a toxic best friend". It just happends, slowly, people change and you find yourself holding your side of the best friend part and always waiting for the other to do their part as always.. but the rules change, other people get involved and OY!! you are left in the middle of nowhere with no bottom to stand on. I get it! I was there. I pulled out, no explanation nessesary on my part. I did it long enough. Yes there was hurt but the hurt was mutual. I was saving myself and my piece of mind!! < -- that does not come by every day either!
Move on, heal yourself and those around you if possible . because toxic friend hurt those in your circle as well.
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Sunday 25 July
By chickie
I need your helps with my hurting/grievence lots lately abt bff. I don't understand why my bff refuse to talk abt what happened between us. I keep told her that we really need to talk/solve also understanding communicate better. Since I am deaf and she is hearing. Only thing I didn't know how much the hearing ppl sensenitive abt quote "bitch"> I just said to her to "stop bitch", suddenly she said we are finish bff in a moment. I was so shocked and said what ????? why she do that to me? since we had been very very close as sister as bff 24/7 hrs everyday. then sunddenly she refuse to talk abt it and want to forget it what happen. i told her , No way we need to solve it and it will not continue between us ugly agruement or else. but she continue growing refuse to talk abt it at all. I feel that she doesnt care and keep it herself as black heart inside of her. I am the worst hurting bad , grief bad, go thru shit. dont know what am i suppose to . I really want to talk and come to see her but I cant. I know she refuse and still angry at me. How can I solve this ???? Anyones advise me abt this? I know it was very hard on me right now.
Thank you,
chickie
Reply
Monday 03 October
By Marie
I guess she is a sensitive person. Chickie, I don't think your relationship is over just because if this one incident. I believe she was hurt many times before but never spoke about it.
If she's so better, try to understand her. If she doesn't respond to you, then you just have to show respect for her feelings & leave her alone :)