We like to think that eating our body weight in turkey and Grandma's cornbread stuffing is just our way of paying tribute to our pilgrim ancestors, but who are we kidding?

We all know that we're just trying to stuff ourselves full of protein so we'll have enough energy for the Black Friday shopping bonanza. And if staring down the barrel at a 4 a.m. wake-up call so you can join the Wal-Mart stampede has you quaking in your boots, the essential items listed below will help you get through the biggest shopping day of the year alive.

A Detailed Shopping List and Agenda: Your goal for the day is to get in and get out, which means you can't waste time wondering which perfume Mom wears or what your little brother's shoe size is. Know ahead of time which stores you want to hit and in what order, and look online for a heads-up on specific sales so there aren't any surprises when you show up.

An Empty Bladder: Yes, it's important to stay hydrated, but anyone who's had the misfortune to step foot inside a mall bathroom on a quiet Tuesday morning can only imagine the fate awaiting them on Black Friday. Instead, quench your thirst and get it out of your system before you leave, then bring a small bottle of water to sip slowly as you shop. And when you've finally got your shopping done, you treat yourself to a supersize Big Gulp.

Aspirin: Headaches and aching muscles are the price we pay -- well, that and the jaw-dropping amount on our credit card statements -- for mega-sale madness. Pop a couple in the a.m. to thwart any aches and pains.

Layers: You may need that heavy parka when you're cooling your heels in the parking lot waiting for those slow-moving sales clerks to open for business, but once you're inside the shopping stampede will bring your body temperature to Saharan levels. Wear slim layers (such as a cami and leggings) that you can easily try on clothes over in lieu of waiting for a dressing room, plus comfortable shoes that you can slip on and off without having to lace up and a jacket that you can toss in your shopping cart or tie around your waist in a pinch.

A Notepad: Trust us, you are not going to remember that you parked on Level G4. Write it down -- or splurge on valet.

Energy-Boosting Snacks: Keep up your energy and stave off hunger pains with a plastic bag full of protein bars and raw almonds. That cinnamon-slathered soft pretzel is not your friend!

A Shopping Buddy: As with "The Amazing Race," the person you choose to spend Black Friday with must perfectly complement your personality. They must be fast, efficient, skilled in the fine art of "defensive shopping" and decisive when it comes to purchases. Above all, they must have a cell phone with excellent reception or, if you really want to get gung-ho about it, a set of walkie-talkies for price-comparison checks. (Hint: It may sound lame, but wearing a similar distinctively colored item -- say, a neon-pink headband or scarf -- will make it easier for the two of you to spot each other if you get separated.)

A Big Canvas Tote Bag: If you're making lots of smaller purchases, you can avoid having to carry a ton of tiny shopping bags if you just merge them into one simple tote -- just be sure to keep your receipts. On the other hand, if you're hitting the mall and expect to be cleaning out every store, you may want to consider bringing a small wheeled cart, like the kind little old ladies use for laundry and grocery shopping. Yes, it's a nuisance, but it will keep your hands free and you will avoid a trip to that special place in hell reserved for people who fiddle with their cars in a packed parking lot without actually leaving. Nobody likes a parking-spot tease!

A Computer: If all else fails and you decide that rock-bottom prices aren't worth the crowds and post-traumatic stress disorder, just screw it. Plop yourself in front of the fireplace, dig into some Thanksgiving leftovers, and be thankful that there is such a thing as Cyber Monday. (Or just live vicariously through these Black Friday vets.)

Tell Us: What has been your worst Black Friday experience?