If you're like me, you won't be able to make it home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so you'll probably have to bite the bullet and have a Turkey Day sans family. The good news: You're spared from going around the table reciting what you're thankful for ("I didn't get laid off like 15.7 million other Americans!" or "I got laid off, but unemployment checks rule!") and you won't have to limit your wine intake. The bad news: You're in charge of the party.

Well, round up the other stragglers and put on a sexy apron because here's our practical, doable guide to your first Thanksgiving. Read a detailed version below, and also print out our game-time checklist and slap it on the fridge, so you can refer to it in a freak-out moment.

RIGHT NOW (because Thanksgiving's a few days a way, dammit!)
Send out a clever invite, noting that guests should bring a bottle of wine and their slap-happy selves -- 3 p.m. sharp. Poll your friends for lurking hippie vegetarians and other special diets -- it's tres awkward when someone can't eat the turkey or the stuffing. (And tofurkey is pretty delicious.)

Consider asking each person to recommend a song for the playlist, which makes for an entertaining night.

First and foremost, read this turkey guide (and really, just follow all this expert advice). The rule of thumb is one pound of turkey per person -- but that's a single serving. If you want a heaping serving and leftovers (you do), plan on an extra half-pound per person. (A bird bigger than 18 or 20 lbs. might require a pretty big oven, FYI.) If you want, call your local grocery store -- or farm -- to reserve a bird.

SOMETIME TODAY (or early tomorrow, don't get too ambitious)
Pick out some killer recipes -- but don't overshoot. Check here for some basics and also call your mom/aunt/grandma for family dishes that will make the day. This will get you started:

-- The bird: Here are the basics, or try this super-foodie version if you're feeling frisky.

-- Stuffing: Take the easy route, or go fun and fabulous!

-- Quick, optional appetizers: everyone's favorite deviled eggs, or keep everyone drinking with some spiced nuts.

-- Obligatory potatoes: the classic mashed sweet potatoes, or the over-the-top family favorite.

-- Cranberry sauce: easy does it, or get a little exotic.

-- Sides, sides, sides: You probably need both simple and classic beans and these to-die-for Brussels sprouts.

-- Sweet stuff: Try a perfect pumpkin pie, or this fun (and easy) cupcake alternative.

Pick out two fab dinner wines, one white and one red, using this nifty guide. The guests will bring the other booze.

Now, write down every single ingredient you need. If you have it in your cupboard, cross it out; if not, get it at the grocery store. This will help ensure you don't forget anything.

ON TUESDAY
Go to the grocery and liquor stores -- and bring a friend to help carry. Remember to check the turkey recipe for the random stuff you'll need, like a bag, roasting pan and meat thermometer.

If you, like me, haven't got a ton of dishes on hand, stop by your friends' places BEFORE they go out of town to pick out the choice items you want to barrow. Remember that you'll need serving plates (at least two), large bowls, a casserole dish, and silverware for every guest. (I know I don't have 10 forks!) Hit the dollar store for funky, cheap stemware, a tablecloth and other dishes as needed.

ON WEDNESDAY
(checklist starts here)
5 p.m.
Make the dessert and refrigerate.

6:30 p.m.
Assemble the sides and throw in the fridge.

7:30 p.m.
Make the cranberry sauce.

10 p.m.
While having a pre-party glass of wine, make a playlist -- instrumental music that's not Muzak-y works great. Try some Isotope 217 or Four Tet for modern electronica/jazz, or go for the classic Miles Davis album "Round 'Bout Midnight," which has never done a party-thrower wrong. Or use your friends' suggestions from the invite. Use caution: Do not be hung over tomorrow, or your preparation will require an extra two to three hours.

11 p.m.
If frozen, put the turkey in the sink to thaw; check the package directions.

THANKSGIVING DAY
9 a.m.
Prep the bird; Set the oven to 325 degrees.

10 a.m.
Go out for a walk, collecting bright and interesting leaves, pine cones and fall flowers (and burning some calories before the immense amount you are about to consume). You'll adorn the feasting table with these items.

10:30 a.m.
Make the stuffing and put in the fridge.

11 a.m.
Shower and put on a festive holiday sweater (kidding, kind of).

12 p.m.
Put the white wine on ice. Put the turkey in the oven (depending on weight).

1 p.m.
Pour yourself a glass of wine, then set the table(s).

2 p.m.
Check the bird; if things don't seem to be going well, call the Turkey Talk-Line (seriously) at 1-800-BUTTERBALL to get a professional opinion.

3 p.m.
Cue the music. Guests arrive. Serve nibbles and open wines. Try not to show them that you're sweating.

3:30 p.m.
Check the bird again. Put the stuffing in the oven.

4:30 p.m.
Take the turkey and the stuffing out of the oven and let sit, according to instructions (about 20 minutes). Meanwhile, warm the sides on the stovetop and in the oven.

4:50 p.m.
Put everything in serving trays and place on the table. Pop open your special wines and pour everyone a toasting glass.

5 p.m.
Corral your now-buzzed guests to the table for a toast. Eat and be merry. A lot!

8 p.m.
Play drinking games and otherwise devolve into a "normal" night of debauchery. (Optional.) Tell your guests that you really don't need their help cleaning up; then sit back with feet up while they do it anyway.

DAY AFTER
Make some instant pancakes and top with cranberry sauce (a secret hangover cure). You did it!