Today's question is about flirty exes and what the hell they want from us:
Nick's opinion is that if that happens to you, you should be afraid. Very afraid. He thinks that if an ex contacts you after many years with flirty emails, there's trouble ahead, and he points to all the relevant facts. Exhibit A: Guys always harbor a soft spot for their first. (Is that true? Most guys I know just went after whatever would sleep with them for their first and barely remember anything.) Exhibit B: The emails are flirty. Exhibit C: He took the time to find his first online. The evidence is compelling.Nick wonders what the best-case scenario of this "friendship" would be, as do I. Once people go from partners to exes, they enter a shadowy gray purgatory stocked with former therapists and the people you made friends with the first week of your freshman year but never saw again. You might have shared intimate experiences with them, but your time is done now, and there's no going back. What do exes do when they hang out? Go out drinking? Talk about feelings? Help each other move? Tell horror stories about past relationships? It's an area too full of tripwires.
I find that when an ex turns up randomly, he is either bored and wants some drama, is re-evaluating his whole life (possibly with the help of AA), or wants to show me what I missed out on by leaving. But as my best friend says, "I have enough friends, and an ex is an ex for a reason."
Nick's advice is to write the ex back politely and stress that you are married and wish him well, and while I don't disagree with that, I'm wondering why we're tiptoeing around so much. The woman writing in is scared that her ex will make a move, but if she's not into her ex anymore, there's nothing to fear. I would suggest that you speak plainly with him (via the Internet, of course) and let him know that you feel weird even contemplating a friendship because of how flirty he's being, putting the ball back in his court. He may pull a boy move and claim he was just being friendly, but you'll both know the truth. I would, like Nick, really encourage you to think about whether or not you want to be friends with someone you have this kind of history with, but if you do want to attempt it, at the very least you should start off being honest with each other.
What do you think about the guy advice and the girl advice? Have you ever successfully friended an ex? Have you ever had to set some serious boundaries with an ex-turned-friend? Tell us everything in the comments!
Check out GuySpeak on Twitter and Facebook!
Comments:
Add a comment
Monday 23 November
By Julie
I am friendly with many of my exes, and if not for my current overly-jealous boyfriend, I'd be friends with more of them. Most of my relationships started out as friendships, and although there may occasionally be some odd sexual tension, I did date those people for a reason--I must have enjoyed their company.
BUT, if I haven't talked to an ex for a while, and he suddenly decided to contact me, I always assume he just wants one thing (especially if he's flirty, but even if he's more coy about it).
Reply
Monday 23 November
By Becky
Give the man a cookie! Nick you hit the nail right on the damn head. And your friend who said the whole "I have enough friends, and an ex is an ex for a reason" is dead on also. The only reason that people continue a "friendship" with an ex is for the convient booty call for when your current romance sours, which is pathetic. If it didn't work out as an intimate relationship what makes your think that a thing as simple as friendship is going to work? Come on. My advice to the write is to do exactly as Nick said. Tell him thanks, but no thanks.
Reply
Wednesday 25 November
By Geo in Cali
I recently had my ex husband contact me on myspace- since I've cut of all other communication it is the only way he can find me. I'd managed to go several (wonderful) years without contact with him. He stressed how much he missed me- blah, blah, blah. Since I had made it VERY clear that I never wanted to hear from him again, I simply changed my profile picture, (which was just my face) to one showing my new boyfriend and I posing happily together. no muss- no fuss.
Reply