Kristen Stewart. Like the stock market, how to hang a "floating" shelf and chalupas, her popularity is something we'll never understand. We don't see the appeal of Kristin Stewart the Actress, of Kristin Stewart the Sex Symbol or Kristin Stewart the Stoner. Today, "The Twilight Saga: New Moon
" will be unleashed on the world, with more of Kristen Stewart's terrible facial expressions, hangy eye-bags and wooden acting -- proving, once again, that Kristen Stewart is the worst.
Kristen Stewart Is a Horrible Actress
Did you see "Twilight?" Because I sat through half of it before giving up, and I can honestly say that this Shaker chair (left) is a far more skilled actor than Kristen Stewart. As Bella, Stewart is a blank-faced dish towel, a hollow chasm bereft of emotion. Rather than channel any feeling through her characters, she resorts to annoying facial tics -- like chewing on her lip and blinking a zillion times.
And the Internet agrees with me. See?
Kristen Stewart Thinks She's Too Cool for School
Here she is at the premiere of her film "Adventureland
." In jeans and a T-shirt. Would it KILL YOU to maybe slap on some makeup and BRUSH YOUR HAIR? Where is your mom?
And she literally thinks she's too cool for school (she stopped going in seventh grade
and still doesn't have a high school diploma), too. Dropping out of school early had a profound impact on her geography skills. Witness her in this "David Letterman" interview:
I'm actually going to be in Europe for a little while. I'm not sure we're going to end up in London or Berlin. Wherever we end up I'm going to drive to Russia.
Let's hope for Berlin.
I'm actually hoping for London.
You cannot drive from London to Russia, Kristen Stewart.
Kristen Stewart Has ONE Facial Expression.
KS's face makes me want to punch it. That's because she is physically unable to emote.
On the left: KS being sadsville in "The Messengers
On the right: KS conveying happy in "In the Land of Women
Can you tell the difference? Neither can we.
And look at her here expressing grief and consternation in "Twilight
." Like above, she has the same slightly confused expression (a sure sign that she's a mouth breather).
Kristen Stewart's Boyfriend Rob Pattinson Is Prettier Than Her
This actually isn't a reason why she sucks, it's just a fact that makes me jealous of her. Rob Pattinson is a hot manchild. Real talk.
She Gets Awesome, Undeserved Roles, Like Playing Joan Jett in the New Runaways Biopic
Joan Jett is a rock and roll goddess and feminist icon. KS is not even close. Where Joan Jett is badass leather and studs, KS is Hot Topic at a Long Island mall. Sure, I'll still go see "The Runaways
," but I'll probably grimace through the whole thing.
Are you going to see "The Twilight Saga: New Moon?"
Julie Gerstein is an editor at Lemondrop.