Lemondrop

The holidays are all about spending time and spreading cheer with your family and loved ones. But sadly you can't pick your family, and awkward moments and off-the-wall comments are almost expected from at least one relative. (You have seen Christmas movies before, right?)

Don't fret -- no matter how shocking something (or someone) seems at the time, it'll be a good memory for holidays to come.

Just ask the following hostesses, who've seen and heard it all.

Please do not touch
"My cousin is a nurse, and he's not quite all there. When he started to give my sister's very shy boyfriend an impromptu 'healing massage' at the dinner table, we were all very amused. Thankfully the guy handled it well, and he and my sister are going to get married. We hope." -- Julie, 26

From the mouths of aunts
"Last Thanksgiving I had dinner with my boyfriend's family. During dessert, I had asked for a very small piece of chocolate cake, and I got passed a freaking gigantic slice. Just then, my boyfriend's aunt looked at me and said, 'Oh, you must be an alcoholic.' Everybody turned and stared, and nobody noticed when she corrected herself and said 'Oops, I meant chocoholic.'" -- Em, 24

For rent: holiday date
"My uncle brought a very young, very attractive woman to Thanksgiving. We spent the rest of the evening trying to decide if he had found her in the Yellow Pages." -- Chris, 31

To serve and protect
"One Christmas my senile grandpa put on a jacket, got out his shotgun and declared, 'I'm going up on the roof, and if I see a fat guy and reindeer anywhere near this house, I'm gonna blow his head off.'" -- CJ, 30

Here (eventually) comes the bride
"My grandma used to tell a hilarious story about how when I was young, I'd planned out a very specific outfit for her to wear to my future wedding. " -- Annie, 27

Genocide supporter or book lover?
"A couple of years ago while we were opening presents with my mother-in-law, she announced out of nowhere she thought 'Mein Kampf' was well written." -- Hiland, 28

Smackdown
"I playfully smacked my dad during a Christmas Eve game of Monopoly. He wasn't injured, but very seriously announced that he was he was 'shocked and hurt' that I would hit him. So naturally I started bawling. The rest of my family wouldn't speak to me. It became known as 'The Year Meghan Ruined Christmas.'" -- Meghan, 28

Think your family is even weirder and more hazardous? We asked Harriet Cole, Sense and Sensitivity columnist for the New York Daily News, for advice handling the stickiest of holiday situations:

The men in my family think it's their right to sit and eat dip while my mom and I cook and clean. Is there a way to shame them into helping?

Instead of making them feel bad, invite them to help with a task and promise a special treat (extra dessert) afterward. "This will work best if you separately enlist at least one of your male family members to participate in advance, so you have an ally in the effort," suggests Cole.

My sister-in-law wants to host Thanksgiving this year, and she's a terrible cook. Can I just bring over all of the food? Or is that rude?

First, you'll want to thank her for offering and then talk to her about the menu. "Suggest dishes that you can bring and recommend anybody else in your family who may want to pitch in," says Cole. "If she admonishes you for wanting to bring food, press a little more and remind her that this is a family time and you want to support the family in any way you can." If she still won't have your helping hand, be sure to go to her house with a full stomach. Cole reminds us: "The point is for family to get together and have fun. Also, have an open mind. She may fool you with a caterer or a few tasty dishes."

My family usually enjoys a glass of wine or two with dinner, but my Aunt Bernice always feels the need to get totally hammered. Short of having a dry dinner or hiding the booze, is there any way to politely cut off a boozy relative?

Ah, the age-old family booze question! "One way to cut down on Aunt Bernice's consumption is to put the bar in an inconvenient location," offers Cole. "Or you could appoint one person to be bartender, and when Auntie is coming close to having enough, instruct your helper to add water to her wine to cut down on the alcohol content." Sneaky!

I'm gay, and I've only told my parents and siblings that I'm getting married soon. I'd like to announce it my extended family, but I have a few homophobic uncles and my mom says it's "not the time" and that I'd be spoiling everybody's time. This is a joyous event and the only time of year I see everyone at once. Must I keep a lid on it?

"If you are about to get married, you obviously are ready to proclaim your commitment publicly," Cole says. So go for it, "but not at the beginning of the visit. Give everyone a chance to enjoy each other and reconnect. Then gather the group, including your homophobic relatives, and tell them." Express with conviction that you're happy and that you have found someone with whom you want to share your life, and ask for their blessing. You'll most likely get it.

My elderly mother lives with me and can't travel due to her health, so I've planned a quiet Thanksgiving with my grown siblings. My brother's much younger girlfriend has three horrible kids whom I hate. Is there any polite way to ask that they go to their father's house this year?

"You are not having the family spirit right now!" exclaims Cole. "You hate her children? That's pretty strong." Instead of banning them from your family gathering, figure out if you can create a separate space where the kids will dine without disturbing the adults. "If you honestly don't believe this will work, consider inviting the children later just for dessert. Explain to your brother -- if you believe it's true -- that your mother can't handle all the activity of young children around her all day long. Then let him figure out a solution."