It's been said that, in matters of love, "When you know, you know." But when it comes to matters of cohabitation, sometimes you can be right about the guy, and not the living-together part. I know because my boyfriend and I recently learned that while we're meant to share our lives, we're not meant to share an apartment. He and I moved in together after just six months. Yeah, I know, much too soon, but it was the logical thing to do as we were both moving out of our places and had the opportunity to take a short-term sublet in New York City. It seemed like no big deal to live together for a bit, but obviously, that wasn't quite true. But to be quite honest, we were still in the phase where sex was good (like really, really good) that I didn't even care -- the thought of a permanent hotel room sounded pretty incredible.
And it was incredible. For the first three months.
When The Initial Thrill is Gone
At first, we were incredibly happy, despite being broke (did I mention we were both unemployed at the time?). In fact, I thought we had worked out pretty much the perfect scenario -- we didn't have to commute to one another's places anymore, and I was saving on the grocery bill. I had a new roomie who gave out sex, free back massages and would run out for tampons and gummi bears at midnight, no questions asked. I was one lucky chick.
Until one night, he came home from work, walked over to the couch, and tried to give me a peck on the lips. "Babe, stop," I said, turning my head so his kiss landed on my ear. "I'm playing Spider Solitaire, and I'm like one deck away from winning the expert level and the watching the cards fly over the screen."
And that was the beginning of the end, my friends. Not of our relationship, but the notion that this sexy creature who I used to want to lick every time he walked in the door with his cute little grin and almost-gay messenger bag, wasn't doing it for me as much as say ... Minesweeper. It wasn't like our sex life disappeared; it just turned into the scheduled, predictable (looks like doggy-style, again!) sex that I can only imagine marriages are made of. Every so often, we'd get overly tipsy on gin and tonics and do something crazy, but it'd usually wind up with him passed out and me convinced I was pregnant for a month.
First the Sex, Then the Talking
That was just the physical part. Emotionally, we wore out the deep conversations pretty quick. Soon, we'd put "Arrested Development "on during dinner because we didn't have anything that interesting to say to each other. We were close, of course -- we took turns doing dishes; we bought a cat; we read books together in bed in our sweatshirts.
I wasn't unhappy. Just instead of a sexy courtship where I'd jump out of bed to brush my teeth in the morning, it turned into a comfortable marriage where we'd discuss our finances over dinner, then have a glass of wine with a DVD. We talked about our cat a lot. We were married in every sense but legally.
And I don't want to be married. Because I love my boyfriend, but I still have a lot of partying to do.
The Beginning of the End (of the Beginning)
In a weekend of a panic, I hopped on a flight to visit my friends and had an insane girl's night to reevaluate my life. I returned to my apartment and my boyfriend afresh.
"Babe, we're way too young to be this boring," I told him.
He nodded, saying, "As much as I love that you love to sing Clay Aiken in the shower and 'speak' to our cat, we need lives." And then he said it: "We need to date each other again."
So we did. I moved out, and spent the whole first week in my new apartment painting and missing him like crazy. Pretty soon, I was picking up the phone to tell him every trivial detail in my life because, well, I missed him. It turns out, absence doesn't just make the heart grow fonder; it makes the sex-drive kick into overdrive, too. Sure, there are pros to shacking up, but hey, we've got the rest of our lives together to live in the same place.
Beth Brennan is the pseudonym used by Lemondrop bloggers and contributors when we want to write naughty stuff but keep our jobs/boyfriends/dignity.












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Thursday 12 November
By Jennifer
Great article! I had a similar situation, only mine ended poorly. My ex and I moved in together when we first started dating (we had been good friends before) and I truly believe that set us up for failure. It was great for the first year, but then he had to move away for a job while I finished school and things went downhill from there. Hopefully, this will be a warning to those in love. If you want to stay together, don't move in together too soon!! Wait as long and you can!
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Thursday 12 November
By Alain
forgive and forget .........10 years down the drain i just console myself not to look back i might loose my resolution if i look back and looking too far ahead into a possibly lonely future is scary ,.......so i just try to forget
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Thursday 12 November
By Sean
I can add nothing to your story except, how wonderfully pointless. When you are gone, it will be as if you never existed. Let's see, engaged in coitus, it seems, as often as possible, drinks a lot, publishes same, and hopes for a future of some vague responsability. Truly, an empire builder. One of the reasons that Europe is dying is because they, like you, have managed to postphone adulthood indefinitely, finding child raising too fearful, and commitment just not their bag. But, you are free do to so, and your passing will be just as anonymous as your life. However, if enough of your friends live such pointless lives, this country too, will pass. But why should that matter to you, since only your gratification is important. All hail, self-absorbtion.
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Thursday 12 November
By Michelle
Wow Sean
That is pretty harsh. This couple is very young from what I have read. Maybe impetuous of them to jump into living together. Not ideally for the right reasons.
As for countries dying off because they fear commitment, marriage. children, and all the other things that come with coupling. That is society and governments fault. They took the natural order of things, and screwed the natural rolls of men and women. I do not wish to deepen my comment on this. However, last thoughts are. We're becoming the same sex. The differences between men and women now are shrinking. So many seem to find no long term attraction, or reason to need each other. "shrugs" I am all about equal rights. I do find it sad, in order to have them, men and women are losing touch with reasons to be attracted to one another.
Well then.. I suppose that was a but of my own rant. The couple in the story are young. Who knows what they will do in the future... :)
Regards
Michelle
Tuesday 15 December
By Mickey
Bitter???
Friday 13 November
By smg45acp
This little sweetheart doesn’t have even the tiniest glimmer of a clue what love is.
The reason so many live-in relationships fail is because love without a foundation of respect and commitment isn’t love at all.
Shacking up is just a way of screaming “You’re alright, but I sure am not willing to make any commitments to you and I certainly don’t respect you or hold you in high enough regard to consider you a permanent partner.”
Baby, let me let you in on a little secret, You are never always going to have “great sex”. It’s normal in the ebb and flow of relationships to for things to cool off and heat up. I will bet you every dollar I have ever made that sex will get real lousy for a while when you are having children. Are you going to bail out then too?
Sex isn’t going to be great when you get old. Basing a relationship on sex is the kind of thing an airhead 20 year old would do.
The total narcissism of this piece just revolted me.
If the writer continues with her current mindset I predict, no guarantee, failures in all future love relationships.
You can respect some one you don’t love.
But you can never truly love some one that you don’t respect.
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Friday 13 November
By MissZ
The story was over as soon as it started. When she said they moved in together after only dating 6 months.....well, there's your problem. What's the matter with people? Do you think moving in with someone is like one big, never-ending party? Or orgy in this case? It's hard to take such a serious subject seriously when it's written by someone so immature.
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Saturday 14 November
By sue
Holy cow you people are harsh. You are blaming the decline and fall of western civilization on one 22 year old?!? LMAO-that says way more about all of you than her.
Living with someone is actually a good thing to do when you are young, say under 25. It gives you a taste of what it's like to share your life with another person without making things too complicated. After 30, it's seriously stupid for a woman to move in with a man unless she has no desire to get married.
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Monday 23 November
By Audrey
You know, I'm tired of hearing people say "don't move in with your boyfriend too early". How would we learn if there were no trial and error in life. No one can predict the future. My thought is if you go into something with a negative attitude nothing is going to work out. If you keep a positive attitude things may not work out either but atleast you can say you tried. Life is about making mistakes. I'm just sayin....
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Thursday 03 December
By pat
i agree with smg45. she doesn't know what love is, only 22?! uh, right you are an adult now, not a partying teenager. grow up and act your age. she is revolting, immature, and narcissistic, like so many people in their twenties. if you think i'm being harsh, I call it REALISTIC. GROW UP AND STOP PLAYING HOUSE, KIDS, IT WENT OUT OF STYLE TEN YEARS AGO.
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Sunday 28 March
By Caroline
You must be joking, right? 22 is not a magical age where people become adults - most of the entire decade of the 20's is spent learning how to become an adult. The part of the brain that determines the difference between good judgment and bad judgment, and maturity, and all that literally does not become fully developed for men until they reach age 25 - it is a scientific fact. It is totally obvious that the author and her boyfriend are way too young to be living together, most especially because they don't see the seriousness of the choice (too many people do it for logistics like rent, which is a terrible reason), but I must say I am very impressed that they were mature enough to not let it spoil the relationship altogether. I give her a LOT of credit for taking intiative to move out, live on her own (so important for young women!) and revive the relationship. If they stay together, their chances of success will be much higher once they've grown up a bit. Seems like you could take a lesson from her, because yelling at her in the comments is definitely not something a mature adult would do.
Sunday 03 January
By tavy
I am getting ready to move in with my boyfriend of about 7 months. He is by far the most amazing creature i have ever met. He is an amazing father figure and the man that has taken my breath away over and over again. Oh btw i am 28 years old and believe that this is what i want out of my life and couldnt be any more excited. Yes i am fearful but i am totally happy with my decision.
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Tuesday 12 January
By Lush
Okay, okay. I'm 24 now, and to a certain extent I get where the writer is coming from, because I was in the same boat a couple of years ago. That relationship ended terribly...but because the truth was we just weren't good together, not that we weren't good at living together.
It DID feel like being married and tied down way too young, and it was terrible.
That being said, about a year later I moved in with my boyfriend of what was then about four months, and I can honestly say we're still on cloud fucking nine together. You don't run out of things to talk about if you're with the right person, and have interests and passions outside of each other. We do fun things together and apart. This helps, trust me. And for godssake, the couple that plays together stays together! We go out and party on the weekly...and, happily enough, have each other to have amazing, drunk, 6 a.m. stumbling home sex with. And our sober, Tuesday night LOST-watching, post-glass of wine sex? Even better.
What I learned from being in a very similar and very different situation is this: living together isn't all that different from living alone - it's that in a relationship you just have someone else to hold you accountable for being a bore the majority of the time. So if you are, that's why it's not working. Be an interesting person, ensure you're partnered with someone interesting who has goals and interests, and all will work out from there.
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Friday 15 January
By rachel
That is what is wrong with this society today....my old boyfriend and i lived together for 5 years and I would give anything to have my old life back.
His attitude matches yours as in"we need lives." Hello, what do you think life is like when you're married? Maybe you are just an adrenaline junkie and need constant change. People like you can't keep a commitment going because its boring. Maybe the guy actually cared about you. Man this makes me sick
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Sunday 17 January
By Em
I am getting ready to move in with my boyfriend after only 4 months of dating. I am not blissfully stupid...some things will work and some things just won't. I currently live at his place anyway...I don't even have clothes in my own apartment. I don't think there can be a time line on things...it's like saying because you have been with someone X amount of time you need to be ready for marriage, that is just a close minded approach on extreme situations. A couple needs to be ready. They need to talk about the things that annoy them and the things they do, including what is important to them and what they are willing to not do. In my case, my boyfriend is older than me, by a large amount and likes to go out, to stay home and sometimes do nothing all day but watch sports and then cook dinner. And my life style is the same way. I like to go out, but sometimes I just want to be home. We have friends in common but we have friends that don't even know the other one that well. We have both never took this step, but we want to make sure that this is something that we can't live without so that one of us doesn't redirect their life and then it fall apart, this step increases the odds... We miss each other when we are apart, we work opposite shifts and longs hours, and when we get home we are really excited to be around each other. We work in similar fields and have both realized that we can help each other with ideas and we use each other for feedback and the others experience. We are not sure it will work, but hey after 20 years it could still fall apart, we just know that if we go out separately we are excited when we walk in the door and the other is sleeping in our bed and then to eat breakfast together and share our night.
One important thing is to not give up who you are, if you are boring, be boring, but don't force the other to always be with you. With us and a busy work schedule, we eat together or get a drink together before going out. If needed force yourself to do a girl's night or guy's night especially if you never leave home, it will make the other person feel less guilty about having their own life.
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Tuesday 19 January
By Laronda swaggamillion
I was with my fiancé for three months before I moved in with him and I thought it would be blissful all the time. We act like fools around each other. We can do anything in front of the other and not worry about judgement. There are many hard times when we get into a rut or have arguments but we talk all that stuff out. It takes a lot mentally and emotionally to live with someone but if you have mutual respect and god as the center of your relationship then nothing anybody else says matters. I'm going on six months of living with him and yes we seem married already but if you really love a person then making it official doesn't matter. I don't feel like people have the right to act married when they aren't. It's a sin to even look as if your sinning. I'm getting married next month and I'm only 19 and people say ok too young but they need to speak for themselves because I'm making sure god and respect is the center of our relationship not sex and partying.
Wednesday 28 April
By h
gosh, so harsh sean. actually, the world would be a better place if we didn't add to the population by having children, it is already overpopulated and using up all its resources.
i found it insightful to read the author's story, i'm in a similat situation only we moved in after 3 years together. i feel like we are a married couple, and while i love him the passion has gone. reading this has made me wonder if whether once our 6 month minimum tenancy is up we should move out so we can see each other out of choice, without the irritations ( less sleep, mess etc)...
selfish? why not be selfish? why not have your relationship as it suits you and be happy and have a fulfilled sex life rather than being unhappy and stuck in the same house together because of some outdated notion that you 'should'. it doesnt mean you dont love each other its just finding what works for you. you only have one life and if you dont have responsibilities eg children why not make it suit you the best you can.
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Wednesday 05 May
By Anonymous
It's women like this that make me glad I swore off relationships for good and stick to being asexual. Thank you for proving my point about how disgusting women are in general.
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Sunday 05 September
By Jackie
My boyfriend moved in with us (my family and I) after we had been dating for about three months. (The situations surrounding this are rather complicated and involve crackhead cockroach-breeding neighbors, an opiate-addicted mother, and a hoarder grandmother.) I was barely 17, he was barely 18. He moved into his college dorm room about two weeks ago after having been living with us for about nine months.
We haven't had any of the problems anyone here has said come with living together. We're content being an old married couple. Our sex is still phenomenal (it's only been disappointing a few times), we don't hate each other, and we don't feel like we need to "party" and have "our own lives." It feels rather strange not having him around all the time, now, but not much has really changed, to be honest. I'm a bit confused about all of these comments saying that living together too early on is terrible. Of course, my boyfriend and I had a transcendental 9-hour phone conversation the second time we ever spoke. I guess we don't really have a conventional relationship.
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Friday 17 September
By Jessi
I thought this was a good piece. I'm not in the same space as the author - but from where she is coming from, I thought she pretty authentically addressed some of the thoughts around couple-dom, and living together. What's up with all the hating? You didn't have to read the darn thing.
My thoughts are that it's hard to be a successful couple (even without the living arrangements) when you're young, broke and still have a lot of self discovery to go through. Knowing who you are, what your purpose in life is & what you want from your relationship is pretty crucial to success in partnership / relationship.
Anyway - my boyfriend and I are contemplating living together sometime in the future. My lease is up in about 8 months, and we've decided to talk about it - explore the idea and see how we feel about the time we spend together and the time we spend apart. A lot of it has to do with how well we communicate with one another.
Definitely a thing to ponder - this sharing of lives in the context of our crazy society and world.
Good luck y'all!
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