A girl who appreciates the ramifications of a fourth-and-long Hail Mary on Super Bowl Sunday is an amazing find, like a head coach who doesn't wear pleated khakis. So when a girl's as excited for pigskin season as we are, we're looking forward to sharing boneless wings and broken remotes.
But if you're just along for the snacks, we can appreciate that too -- just be sure you don't rack up penalty yards by making one of the following calls, guaranteed to send you to the bench.
10. "I only watch them when they're winning."
Nothing grinds the gears of a diehard fan more than a fair-weather game watcher. Sure, it's more fun when they're dominating the division, but showing love for your team when they're down in the dirt is the same thing as showing love for your man when he's not at his best. That sort of unconditional support goes a long way.
9. "Football is so confusing!"
Not sure about a rule, term or ref's call? Ask us! Any conversation that places us in the role of expert is a touchdown, so don't be afraid to inquire. (But only if you're going to listen and not ask again. Plus, the basics
aren't that hard to grasp.)
8. "Come on, don't paint your face. It's so lame."
Ironic, isn't it? You prefer that we abstain from makeup, yet won't let us see you without it?
7. "This is barbaric."
No more barbaric than a Prada BOGO sale on Black Friday. At least with football you can eat nachos.6. "Brett Favre seems nice."
His performance in "There's Something About Mary" notwithstanding, general guy DNA coding has mutated in the past two years to regard him as a selfish, attention-seeking, legacy-stomping, fan-abandoning douchewhistle. In 2007, Favre "retired" as a hero in Green Bay, Wis., then signed with the New York Jets for one season, "retired" again, then returned for one more season as the QB for the Packers' longtime archrivals, the Minnesota Vikings. And that's why we'll never buy Rayovac batteries, Wrangler jeans or Prilosec again.
5. "Why do you play fantasy football?"
Because, for some reason, the NFL refuses to acknowledge our 40 time of 15.5 seconds as impressive.
4. "I don't care who wins."
Then why are you watching the game? Even if you're rooting against our team, having an opinion is part of the fun!
3. "I want one of those pink jerseys."
Girls in football jerseys are hot; they show that sexy tomboyish side, demonstrate loyalty, and are ready to have a good time. Girls in pink football jerseys, however, would rather look cute than enjoy the game. Choose the former team.
2. "You're obsessed!"
Don't think of it as an obsession; think of it as a display of unbridled passion. Sexy, right?
1. "It's just a game!"
This statement is the single-most offensive assertion you can make to a fan because, quite simply -- and this goes for baseball, basketball, hockey, and the like -- no, it's not.
Matt Christensen has written for Maxim, Cosmopolitan and Match.com. Go Buckeyes. Go Browns. Read more "10 Things Not to Say" columns here.
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