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The New York Times Magazine recently published a weighty feature on a current national obsession: the Obama marriage. Unfortunately, the piece treated the couple, and their willingness to make hard decisions and compromises, like exotic creatures to be admired but not imitated. The truth is, the Obamas' relationship isn't that different from a lot of modern marriages.

Here are three reasons why: They've lived apart for long periods of time. This is the first time since 1996 that the Obamas have lived in the same house. But while the sheer length of time apart is shocking, their experience compares to that of many couples that manage to pull off both monogamy and separate residences.



Some do it because they don't like sharing, but most do it out of necessity. The more women start taking the kind of high-powered professional careers that used to be reserved for men, the more couples find that their jobs put them in separate cities. And don't forget military couples. The war in Iraq may not be in the headlines as much, but unfortunately there are still thousands of couples separated for long periods of time because of the war.

Her career is important, but his comes first. Feminism may have made the space for women to have big-time careers like Michelle Obama's -- as well as Ivy League educations and snappy suits -- but it hasn't quite gone so far as to give wives 50 percent of the decision-making power in households. Michelle Obama has been honest about how it grates on her nerves that Barack's career choices have impacted her life more than vice versa, but her experience is probably more common than not. We've still got a long way to go, baby.

Love means having to let go. You go to weddings and all the marriage vows talk about is commitment and togetherness. And then, if you want to have a successful marriage, you realize that kind of stuff is codependent, and you and your spouse will get along much better if you see yourselves as separate individuals. Michelle's longtime friend Yvonne Davila recalls telling Michelle that Barack "doesn't belong to" her, and it seems that Michelle understood what she meant. Other Americans have learned the hard way that maintaining your independence keeps the mystery and romance alive, which goes a long way to explaining why this first couple has more of a spark than most.

The Obamas are living more like a traditional married couple than they probably have their entire lives, right down to the fact that Michelle's job is much like a housewife's, with lots of charitable work but nothing that draws pay. As a fan of the Obama marriage, I hope this works out for them. I'm afraid that the other thing the rest of the country knows is that sometimes change is good for relationships, but sometimes you have to follow the rule "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Amanda Marcotte is the author of "It's a Jungle Out There" and writes about politics daily at Pandagon.net.

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