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Lesley Arfin is the kickass author of "Dear Diary" a longtime contributor to Vice magazine and one of the raddest girls we know. So it makes sense that we'd go to her for advice. Got a question about love, relationships or that burning sensation?Q: I've been with the same guy for 12 years and have always respected the relationship. I've found evidence where he hasn't been faithful, yet when confronted, he lies. How can I truly catch him without going overboard? He works out of town regularly, and I'm sure his male co-workers will cover for him. --- Signed, Scorned.
Dear Scorned,
I mean, look, 12 years is a long time. If you can't call him out on his bullshit now then I think the situation has more to do with you changing than the relationship. You have to be honest if you want out or not. (It's OK if you don't, by the way.) I say confront him with evidence; if he doesn't admit it and you still don't believe him, go to couples counseling.
Or you can just say you're going out of town and then "surprise" him by showing up unexpectedly wherever he might be gallivanting. But you know, shit like that never really works and will just end up making you look like a psycho.
I hope this helps. I know how hard this stuff is.
xx
Lesley
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Saturday 14 November
By PsychicReadersOnline
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Saturday 14 November
By Ruth Woods
Agreed...based on my on experience and having been with someone for 5 years and thinking all along that we would get engaged and married, drop him. You'll find a sense of freedom, calmness and look forward to the possibiliies of finding "true" love and happiness, not someone who is taking up space and giving you empty promises. Life is too short to be frustrated and angry at the one person who you are to love and be loved by. Someone sent me this not sure where it came from but speaks volumes to me in regards to a relationship. "The strength of a man isn't in how many women he's loved. It's in how true he can be to the ONE woman he's trying to love."
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Sunday 15 November
By rockygurl2
I was involved in a relaitonshape with a fireman (should have been my first cliue) that he was separated from his wife and they were divorcing. I met him in Baja, MX during a bicycle ride. We were both the same age, and he loved doing all the same outdoor things I did. He even got my daughter a Halloween card which I thought was a nice thought and when he wasn't working his shifts, he was at my house after he went to see his three kids and would soon be at my house waiting for me.
Then wifey poo figured out he wasn't begging to come back, he called me and said he had something to show me. Right away I knew what it was, it was full of I am sorry I treated you so badly all these years, but want you back. Why he showed it to me was horrible. I could care less about how she felt, and even worse that I believed him and how well we got along. He asked if he could call me and I thought about it and said he could call, but that was all.
I did miss him and don't believe in infidelity, but called him and said I couldn't take not seeing him, my second big mistake. We saw each other for two more months, when we went on a ski trip, taking HER CAR instead of my 4 X 4 truck. As I waited for him to get gas, I knew I didn't have the strength to leave him, and noticed my purse had fallen open and my checkbook laid in front of me. I took a deposit ticket, tore it in half with my name on it, and put the other half in my purse. She found it like I knew she would, and that ended that.
What angers me most about women judging women who get involved with separated or married men, is we have no way to find out for sure what he is telling us is the truth. We even went to the Dodgers game when they last won the title in 1988, and he slowly pulled me away from where they were taping people going in saying he wanted to get in so we could get settled. He didn't want his wife nor kids seeing us together.
They forget we didn't take the wedding vows, he did with her, and because of my beliefs and knew what I was doing was wrong, I ended it right then and there. If he was doing it to her, if we had got together, would he do it to me? The answer is probably yes, she may have won the war, but I won the biggest battle of all, the loss of trust. It hurt, but I knew seeing him after he went back to her was wrong, and it hurt when I knew I had to end our relationship, as he seemed to have his cake and eat it too. One of his friends who was also a fireman told us (there were three of us who drove down from Los Angeles), he liked to meet women down there sometimes for a fun time. Clue number one I had forgotten about. It hurt not to see him, but would have hurt more if we had gone on longer playing his game.
So before women judge those of us who get involved with men who tell us they are separated, after all, when he wasn't working, he was with me, I did believe they were going through a divorce. He was lamenting about all the wood shelves he built in the house, poot baby. Remember we didn't take the wedding vows with him, he did with a wife who didn't want him, that was until she figured out he wasn't begging to come home. Kind of a wake up call to her, when we went water skiing in MY boat, and snow skiing in the winter. Things she didn't like to do, and what was breaking them up. So don't blame us for breaking them apart, he was the one doing the breaking apart when she made it clear he could only come to the house to get his clothes or see their kids. I knew I could not compete with 17 years of marriage and three kids, and did what I knew was the right thing to do, leave the cheater for someone else and I am sure, by then she had her hooks back into him again, making him miserable, they deserved each other. I certainly learned my lesson, the hard way, but better to have it break up before I got hurt anymoe and he would be in a miserable marriage.
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Tuesday 17 November
By Tart and Soul
Cheating isn't the worst thing that can happen to a relationship, especially one as long as 12 years. It's entirely possible that your boyfriend had an affair, and once he got himself out of it, realized it wasn't truly a threat for the love he feels and the history he has with you. However, if he's been caught, he needs to own up to it.
I read this really great book called Love, An Inner Connection. It's all about building a healthy relationship with someone and the pattern relationships usually take on their way toward commitment. But the challenge is to endure the difficult moments on your way toward true love. Reading it may let you know whether you've got a true love connection you need to work on, or something unhealthy you need to let go.
Check out my blog post, Love, An Inner Connection:
http://tartandsoul.com/2009/10/12/love-an-inner-connection/
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Wednesday 18 November
By What?!
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Best that you dump him!
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Thursday 19 November
By Elisa
Can you get into a corporate email account?
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Thursday 19 November
By Todd
I totally disagree with Mr. Fredric Williams. He sees too many gray, green, blue, etc. Emotionally raping people, subtle or not, is does not require we all sing Kumbaya and let all the loosers in our lives. I said avoid, 'red flags'. A red flag is when your significant other won't reveal where he works even after dating a year, or avoids the topic of marriage or why you have a woman's phone number in his pants pocket, that sort of stuff. Everyone has imperfections, Mr. Williams. Leaving the toilet seat up or having a testical or tit bigger than the other is an imperfection. Ignoring the looser in your life to cheat (therefore granting him permission to cheat) is a red flag. It takes being an adult to come to grips with the hard fact that you have to kick this twit out of your life without so much as an excuse.
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Sunday 22 November
By mary
all men are cheating fools when they live in a fantasy world, thinking every girl they see, should look like brittany spears
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Tuesday 24 November
By JT
Dear scorned,
Get out of the relationship! I'm a guy & I can tell u that iit ain't worth it. My relationship went thru the same type of shit. I cheated for years and simply, bold-faced lied about, knowing all the while that my spouse knew the truth. It's hurtful, it's messy, and it's just plain wrong. Staying and tolerating it only gives him carte blanche to continue doing it. Leave, give him a moment of "pause" to consider wether the grass is really greener. I can almost assure you that when he see's you walk out on his ass, he'll come to his senses and realize what he's really losing!! Be strong girlfriend.
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Tuesday 24 November
By yabbi
My friend's husband cheated on her for almost all of her 28 year marriage. He never gave her a chance to respond to his needs as he saw them. He spent 2 twelve year terms with 2 different women, finally leaving her for the 2nd woman. So many lies, so much duplicity. How awful and hurtful can you get? She is entitled to a full life and he denied her that life. That is patently unfair, wrong and immoral. Cheaters are not interested in your feelings. Leave them immediately.
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Tuesday 24 November
By Jill
12 years is a lifetime - so now it's a loss of more than just a relationship. It's the loss of a family member and a friend. Love is not a faucet, you can't turn it on and off.
You know he's cheating, you're hoping if you can get "proof" it'll spur you into some kind of action. It won't. It will only hurt. Here's my advice, get yourself together, to move on, regardless of what he's doing...stop snooping. And when you're strong enough, walk away and realize no matter how long it takes you to make that choice, it's your life and all the naive advice about dumping cheaters and find someone new..blah blah blah, is just that.
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Tuesday 24 November
By MAW
After 12 years, move on with your' life. He is a loser, don't join him, you can do better.
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Tuesday 24 November
By dr deth
get a grip woman. he just wants some stank. some strange. can you imagine banging the same tail for 12 f'ing years!? let me tell you, it gets old quick.
lets get something straight... its all about instinct. there is no god and the fairy tale of marriage is like santa and his elves. religion is all based on lies. its about control. id advise you to find a strapping young stud with a very large penis and get your thang tapped out till you cant walk. then give mr. slick some sloppy seconds to feel the gape... there.... now doesnt that feel good. lifes too short. get your freak on while you can. remember... we are all floating on a tiny ball in the center of the universe. its all by chance, its fractal. do you really think anyone cares...? deal.
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Wednesday 25 November
By Been There
Why do you need to catch him? You already know that he did it!!!! Either tell him that you know whats he's done and leave him, or, if you love him and want to work it out, why don't you say "Honey, I know that you've cheated on me. I want to work this out, so tell me WHY you cheated so that we can work on our relationship." His answer as to why he cheated is going to be what YOU need to work on. He may say that you don't give him sex.....well then start rock'n his world so that he doesn't want to go anywhere else for it. If he says that he doesn't like coming home to you because you're always in a bad mood...well work on giving him kisses and complements when he gets home and cut out useless nagging! Guys are very simple, just ask him why he did it, and do your best to change what you can control!
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Wednesday 25 November
By The Devil's Advocate
I don't condone cheating, BUUUUUUUt........for the most part in many cases, if he's cheating it's because you're not giving him what he needs. Have you ever thought about YOU being the reason why he cheated? Maybe he's not the one with the problem, maybe you're the one with the problem. It bothers me to read everyones comments suggesting that you should "dump that dirt bag" or "you deserve better than that"....well maybe HE deserves better than you! What are you doing, or aren't you doing that has him looking elsewhere? People are so quick to attack the cheater (Again, cheating isn't the answer) but he's running away from you for a reason!!! I don't mean to sound harsh, but people tend to blame the cheater when in reality "cheating" is just the effect of a more rooted problem. Think about it.
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Wednesday 25 November
By Lenore
Some men are cheaters forever. We met through online dating and been together for 6 years. The man I live with currently, cheated on his ex wife for 32 years and now doing it to me. I figured it out and confronted him and he has lied stating that he is not having an affair. This man is selfish and only thinking of himself. He is with a 35 year old woman with a child and he is 60 years old. Neither one of them have any money. He likes the thrill of being with younger women. I told him that we will part ways as soon as the house is sold. I will not be with a man that does not respect me as a person. I want my name off of the mortgage and 1/2 of the equity. I am better than that and do not deserve a cheater in my life. I am embarrassed that I trusted this man.
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Tuesday 01 December
By Remy
You have a 12 year relationship, not a marriage. Enough about HIM, what about YOU? Most important, what do YOU want and why are you so invested in this friendship - with-benefits?
If you want to be married, with or without kids, is this the guy? What is the hold up? If you are both waiting for something better to come along..... WTF!?
As for cheating, we need to get over this fantasy. Your friend wants to fuck other women. You can choose to go or choose to be ok with it. You are expecting and wanting him to change. Move on. H eis who he is. And so are you. Take a stand, take responsibility. If you want different things that doesn't make him a bad person. Quit being such a spineless simp. Ask for what you want. If he doesn't want the same things, get going!
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